KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Get Women To Notice Me?

Welcome to Killer Advice, a weekly advice column run by the staff of Circus Killer News, aimed at telling our readers how to live their lives. CKN only hires 10s and is predominantly read by 5s, so chances are Killer Advice is just for you.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Wayne Klochski from South Plains, Ohio. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,

I’m having trouble getting girls to notice me. Ever since I was a kid and started noticing girls, I found that I am completely invisible to the opposite sex. I’ve tried tying bells around my neck, but that just makes people think that I’m celebrating Christmas, and that always gets me arrested because celebrating Christmas in public is now a hate crime. I’ve tried leaving dead squirrels on a woman’s doorstep to show her that I’m a provider and that I can protect her, but she just called the police. What exactly am I doing wrong? What can I do to get girls to notice me?”

 

Wayne, this is a common problem amongst insignificant men. The truth is, women don’t notice you because you’re probably not worth noticing. Hit the gym every once in a while. Throw away those glasses. Get a face transplant. There are lots of different options available to you if you’re willing to work for them.

A study conducted by a bunch of nerds found that the first three things women notice about men are their face, their body, and the clothes that they’re wearing. If women aren’t noticing you, then you’re doing something incorrectly with these three things. For example, make sure that you aren’t wearing six different masks when you’re approaching women, and make sure you’re wearing a bright spandex suit that hugs every contour of your body. The number one cause of divorce in the U.S. is that husbands stop showing off their contours after they get married, but women never stop needing to see men’s contours every minute of every day, or else they turn into a skeleton.

Let’s say that you can’t accentuate any of these three things because your face was torn off by a bear, or your body just looks weird, or all your clothes are wizard robes because you’re a wizard. At this point, you need to whip out the big guns. Women love big guns because guns are made out of animal penises, which contain all of the pheromones that they need to survive. Women are also drawn to intelligent men, so you can always try impressing a lady by counting to fifteen in front of her and telling her about all the shapes you know. Women also like receiving compliments, so be sure to tell her that the odors her body produces make you happy, and that you want her body to continue making the happy odors.

Follow these easy steps and no woman will be able to ignore you, but complete any of these steps incorrectly and you could severely injure yourself, so wear a helmet at all times.

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Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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13 Ways To Protect Your Home From Intruders

This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

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With the second American Civil War around the corner, personal safety is more paramount than ever. There are many different ways to protect your home from intruders, but none have been proven more successful than the following thirteen.

 

1. Smash all the windows in your home from the outside so it looks like you’ve already been robbed. All the thieves in your neighborhood will assume there’s no more good stuff to steal.

2. Have plans and traps in place to “Home Alone” the shit out of anyone who breaks in.

3. Keep all your valuables on your lawn. No one can steal your belongings by breaking into your home if you have no belongings inside your home.

4. Paint what appears to be the inside of your house on the outside of your door. To the common thief it will appear as though your front door is wide open, and they’ll charge headfirst into a closed door, knocking them unconscious.

5. Have a local wizard cast a protection spell around your home.

6. Seal all your doors and windows with cement. Nobody can enter your home if there’s no way in.

7. Construct a border wall around your property to guarantee that thieves can only cross into your lands legally.

8. Replace your front door with a cardboard cutout of Vin Diesel.

9. Replace your back door with a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.

10. Replace your windows with several Danny DeVitos. 

11. Sell your home and live out your days on a boat. Merthieves are much easier to fend off than land-thieves.

12. Take all the extra money you have from not having your home broken into and use it to buy a private security force.

13. Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.