Ever since I was a boy, I have been finding Faberge Eggs in the strangest of places. Some would call this a power, others would call it a curse. I just call it annoying. Here are just 5 of the dozens of places that I’ve found Faberge Eggs.
In A Pizza Box – I ordered a large plain pizza from my favorite pizzeria, Uncle Nicki’s Old Style Cheese And Beef Cartel. The delivery man arrived two and a half minutes later with what I assumed was my delicious hot plain pizza, but after I paid for it and opened the box, I found naught but a priceless green Faberge Egg encrusted with diamonds. I was so upset that I swallowed the whole thing without even chewing.
In An Antique Armoire That I Stole – I once broke into a man’s house and stole an armoire from his bedroom because I thought he had stolen an armoire from me two weeks prior. When I brought his armoire home, I found a sparkling Faberge Egg nestled between some shirts. It was a brilliant golden hue with sapphires lining the edges in a fanning-out sort of pattern. Even better, I found my original armoire in my basement, so it turns out it was never stolen to begin with.
In A Bird’s Nest That I Found While Retrieving A Frisbee – I worked for a time as a groundskeeper at a small college so that I could observe my future victims up close. Most of my time was spent scampering up trees like a squirrel in order to retrieve Frisbees and hacky sacks that got stuck in trees. One day as I was doing my daily tree scampering, I found a bird’s nest that had two normal bid eggs and one Faberge Egg. I decided not to disturb the nest because I didn’t want to agitate what was clearly a very rich and fancy momma bird.
In A Carton Of Normal Eggs – This might be the strangest of all. I bought a carton of eggs from my favorite dairy store, Uncle Nicki’s New Age Cheese Store Hat Store Emporium. I brought the carton of eggs home and found a Faberge Egg inside, but the strange part was that the carton had a sticker on it that said, “Contains No Faberge Eggs,” so I was expecting there to be zero Faberge Eggs in the carton. This Faberge Egg was pink with pearls dotting the outside, and was probably the least fancy one that I’ve ever found.
Inside Another Faberge Egg – I was riding my bike with one of the Faberge Eggs that I found when I dropped it on the ground, shattering the magnificent work of art to pieces. Among the pieces was a completely different, smaller Faberge Egg that was even more beautiful than the one it came from. I quickly smashed all the other Faberge Eggs to see what was inside them, but all of the others were filled with fiberglass insulation. I now carry my teeny-tiny Faberge Egg with me everywhere I go. It makes me feel like a big fancy bird.
*****
Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.
Circus Killer News 