The 5 Strangest Places That I Have Found A Faberge Egg

Ever since I was a boy, I have been finding Faberge Eggs in the strangest of places. Some would call this a power, others would call it a curse. I just call it annoying. Here are just 5 of the dozens of places that I’ve found Faberge Eggs.

 

In A Pizza Box – I ordered a large plain pizza from my favorite pizzeria, Uncle Nicki’s Old Style Cheese And Beef Cartel. The delivery man arrived two and a half minutes later with what I assumed was my delicious hot plain pizza, but after I paid for it and opened the box, I found naught but a priceless green Faberge Egg encrusted with diamonds. I was so upset that I swallowed the whole thing without even chewing.

In An Antique Armoire That I Stole – I once broke into a man’s house and stole an armoire from his bedroom because I thought he had stolen an armoire from me two weeks prior. When I brought his armoire home, I found a sparkling Faberge Egg nestled between some shirts. It was a brilliant golden hue with sapphires lining the edges in a fanning-out sort of pattern. Even better, I found my original armoire in my basement, so it turns out it was never stolen to begin with.

In A Bird’s Nest That I Found While Retrieving A Frisbee – I worked for a time as a groundskeeper at a small college so that I could observe my future victims up close. Most of my time was spent scampering up trees like a squirrel in order to retrieve Frisbees and hacky sacks that got stuck in trees. One day as I was doing my daily tree scampering, I found a bird’s nest that had two normal bid eggs and one Faberge Egg. I decided not to disturb the nest because I didn’t want to agitate what was clearly a very rich and fancy momma bird.

In A Carton Of Normal Eggs – This might be the strangest of all. I bought a carton of eggs from my favorite dairy store, Uncle Nicki’s New Age Cheese Store Hat Store Emporium. I brought the carton of eggs home and found a Faberge Egg inside, but the strange part was that the carton had a sticker on it that said, “Contains No Faberge Eggs,” so I was expecting there to be zero Faberge Eggs in the carton. This Faberge Egg was pink with pearls dotting the outside, and was probably the least fancy one that I’ve ever found.

Inside Another Faberge Egg – I was riding my bike with one of the Faberge Eggs that I found when I dropped it on the ground, shattering the magnificent work of art to pieces. Among the pieces was a completely different, smaller Faberge Egg that was even more beautiful than the one it came from. I quickly smashed all the other Faberge Eggs to see what was inside them, but all of the others were filled with fiberglass insulation. I now carry my teeny-tiny Faberge Egg with me everywhere I go. It makes me feel like a big fancy bird.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Get Women To Notice Me?

Welcome to Killer Advice, a weekly advice column run by the staff of Circus Killer News, aimed at telling our readers how to live their lives. CKN only hires 10s and is predominantly read by 5s, so chances are Killer Advice is just for you.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Wayne Klochski from South Plains, Ohio. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,

I’m having trouble getting girls to notice me. Ever since I was a kid and started noticing girls, I found that I am completely invisible to the opposite sex. I’ve tried tying bells around my neck, but that just makes people think that I’m celebrating Christmas, and that always gets me arrested because celebrating Christmas in public is now a hate crime. I’ve tried leaving dead squirrels on a woman’s doorstep to show her that I’m a provider and that I can protect her, but she just called the police. What exactly am I doing wrong? What can I do to get girls to notice me?”

 

Wayne, this is a common problem amongst insignificant men. The truth is, women don’t notice you because you’re probably not worth noticing. Hit the gym every once in a while. Throw away those glasses. Get a face transplant. There are lots of different options available to you if you’re willing to work for them.

A study conducted by a bunch of nerds found that the first three things women notice about men are their face, their body, and the clothes that they’re wearing. If women aren’t noticing you, then you’re doing something incorrectly with these three things. For example, make sure that you aren’t wearing six different masks when you’re approaching women, and make sure you’re wearing a bright spandex suit that hugs every contour of your body. The number one cause of divorce in the U.S. is that husbands stop showing off their contours after they get married, but women never stop needing to see men’s contours every minute of every day, or else they turn into a skeleton.

Let’s say that you can’t accentuate any of these three things because your face was torn off by a bear, or your body just looks weird, or all your clothes are wizard robes because you’re a wizard. At this point, you need to whip out the big guns. Women love big guns because guns are made out of animal penises, which contain all of the pheromones that they need to survive. Women are also drawn to intelligent men, so you can always try impressing a lady by counting to fifteen in front of her and telling her about all the shapes you know. Women also like receiving compliments, so be sure to tell her that the odors her body produces make you happy, and that you want her body to continue making the happy odors.

Follow these easy steps and no woman will be able to ignore you, but complete any of these steps incorrectly and you could severely injure yourself, so wear a helmet at all times.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.