The 5 Strangest Places That I Have Found A Faberge Egg

Ever since I was a boy, I have been finding Faberge Eggs in the strangest of places. Some would call this a power, others would call it a curse. I just call it annoying. Here are just 5 of the dozens of places that I’ve found Faberge Eggs.

 

In A Pizza Box – I ordered a large plain pizza from my favorite pizzeria, Uncle Nicki’s Old Style Cheese And Beef Cartel. The delivery man arrived two and a half minutes later with what I assumed was my delicious hot plain pizza, but after I paid for it and opened the box, I found naught but a priceless green Faberge Egg encrusted with diamonds. I was so upset that I swallowed the whole thing without even chewing.

In An Antique Armoire That I Stole – I once broke into a man’s house and stole an armoire from his bedroom because I thought he had stolen an armoire from me two weeks prior. When I brought his armoire home, I found a sparkling Faberge Egg nestled between some shirts. It was a brilliant golden hue with sapphires lining the edges in a fanning-out sort of pattern. Even better, I found my original armoire in my basement, so it turns out it was never stolen to begin with.

In A Bird’s Nest That I Found While Retrieving A Frisbee – I worked for a time as a groundskeeper at a small college so that I could observe my future victims up close. Most of my time was spent scampering up trees like a squirrel in order to retrieve Frisbees and hacky sacks that got stuck in trees. One day as I was doing my daily tree scampering, I found a bird’s nest that had two normal bid eggs and one Faberge Egg. I decided not to disturb the nest because I didn’t want to agitate what was clearly a very rich and fancy momma bird.

In A Carton Of Normal Eggs – This might be the strangest of all. I bought a carton of eggs from my favorite dairy store, Uncle Nicki’s New Age Cheese Store Hat Store Emporium. I brought the carton of eggs home and found a Faberge Egg inside, but the strange part was that the carton had a sticker on it that said, “Contains No Faberge Eggs,” so I was expecting there to be zero Faberge Eggs in the carton. This Faberge Egg was pink with pearls dotting the outside, and was probably the least fancy one that I’ve ever found.

Inside Another Faberge Egg – I was riding my bike with one of the Faberge Eggs that I found when I dropped it on the ground, shattering the magnificent work of art to pieces. Among the pieces was a completely different, smaller Faberge Egg that was even more beautiful than the one it came from. I quickly smashed all the other Faberge Eggs to see what was inside them, but all of the others were filled with fiberglass insulation. I now carry my teeny-tiny Faberge Egg with me everywhere I go. It makes me feel like a big fancy bird.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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15 Best Excuses For Getting Out Of Jury Duty

Serving on a jury is an American obligation that nobody wants to do, just like paying taxes or chugging a can of beer while speeding in your Ford pick-up to your cozy coalmining job. Everyone searches for an excuse to get out of jury duty, but it can be difficult to tell what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of excuses that have been proven to work.

 

1. Give yourself Pink Eye.

2. If it’s a criminal court, confess to the crime. If they believe you you’ll be a defendant instead of a juror.

3. Use one of your three “get out of jury free” cards that every American gets wen they turn 18.

4. Don’t stop dancing during your entire summons and claim that you have a disease where if you stop dancing, your heart stops. You will be such an annoyance that they’ll have to dismiss you.

5. Conceal a large analog clock on your person. Security will hear the ticking, assume you have a bomb, and deny you entry into the courthouse.

6. Hire an actor to take your place.

7. Insist that they can’t handle the truth.

8. Try to get abducted the night before your summons.

9. Explain that judging others is against your religion.

10. Get a note from your doctor that says you have “Inflammatory Gaseous Syndrome,” and that your excessive flatulence would be an undeniable distraction to your fellow jurors.

11. Bribe the judge with unlimited breadsticks.

12. Wear the clothes and makeup of 17th century French nobility and continuously shout, “Off with his head!”

13. Enroll in a college and take only one course each semester. You’ll be able to get out of jury duty as a student for the next forty years.

14. Successfully convince everyone that you are a brain in a jar, and that you cannot make it to the courtroom without a body.

15. Have you ever heard of a billionaire serving on a jury? Me neither… so just be super rich.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial Living At Home With Parents Hiding Secret Second Family

Thom and Dana Corrigan of Celroy, Massachusetts, were shocked to discover this past Monday that their 24-year-old son Josh had been hiding a secret second family from them for nearly three years. Josh has been living with Thom and Dana since graduating college two years ago.

What surprised Thom and Dana the most, however, is that the family their son was seeing in secret consisted of Josh and a different married couple Thom and Dana’s age. Psychologist Marianna Quinn commented on the matter.

“In most cases of secret families you have a man, typically a man of influence, who falls out of love with his spouse and in love with someone else. Instead of leaving his spouse he starts a new life with his new love, often in a different town and under a different name. And then of course the original spouse finds out she burns down the childhood home of that bitch who ruined her life but makes sure she’s somewhere public when it all goes down so she has a solid alibi… but anyway, the case of Josh Corrigan is different because he didn’t start a new family. He just latched onto a different one.”

Thom and Dana were under the impression that their son Josh had a part time job; he would play video games during the day, and then leave for his job at night. In truth, Josh had no part time job. At night he would instead go to the home of empty nesters Riley and Shauna Levinson and continue playing video games at their house.

“Our son Daniel was in a car accident three years ago,” said Shauna. “One day Josh came to our door and told us that he was Daniel, but that the accident rearranged his face so he looked different now. We had no reason not to believe him.”

In truth, Josh and Daniel had planned this stunt together while the two met as roommates in college. Josh confessed to Daniel that he had no aspirations in life, and Daniel was sick of his parents taking care of him. The two faked a car accident so that Josh could assume Daniel’s sheltered life, and Daniel could move across the country to become more independent.

The two were finally caught when Shauna Levinson caught Josh eating a burger.

“My son Daniel would never eat red meat,” said Shauna. “He’s too afraid of that mad cow disease. I’m not sure what really gave it away, but it was definitely either the burger or the fact that Josh would constantly hit on me.”

Josh has been charged with identify fraud, and Daniel has been charged with aiding and abetting. Their life’s story is currently being adapted into a comedy movie that probably stars Ryan Reynolds and some nerd.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

11 Back to School Tips (College)

Whether you’re just starting out or it’s your senior year, moving into college can be stressful. Take these tips into account to make your collegiate transition simple and smooth!

 

1. Know which of your organs you can live without. This will make paying for textbooks swift and easy.

2. Learn each of your professor’s vices so you don’t waste any time when you need to blackmail them for a higher grade.

3. If a pencil is yellow, it’s ripe and ready to use. If it has turned brown then it has likely gone bad and you shouldn’t buy it.

4. Befriend your roommate’s dealer immediately.

5. Make sure all of the posters you put up in your dorm are of normal interests befitting of an ordinary young person. This ruse will ensure your roommates believe you to be an average, unassuming earth-human.

6. Check to see if your college or university has a deal with local fax machine vendors before purchasing one.

7. Carry an automatic weapon with you at all times in the event of an active shooter situation, you magnificent hero.

8. Delta house’s Boogie Nights party might not be until February, but it’s always the hottest party of the year. Start preparing!

9. Make sure to join your school’s Gay-Straight Student Alliance Club or you’ll be bullied all semester.

10. You should have a fake ID by the time you get to college so that you can easily purchase fake alcohol.

11. When you break into your professor’s condo to steal the answers to every test this semester, make sure you also take any electronics or jewelry he or she might have so it looks like a regular burglary.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Unemployed College Graduate Completely Prepared for Zombie Apocalypse

Recent college graduate Jason Wilboro claims to be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse, having spent the two years since his graduation stocking up on supplies, taking survival courses and reading up on the subject instead of searching for gainful employment.

Jason began working as a cashier within a week after graduating, but was let go soon afterward for always leaving early, giving management a tough time and not showing up often enough. Jason considered looking for a new job after this, but decided instead that his time would be better spent gearing up for the end of the world.

“I could work my whole life away. Earn money, start a family, the whole deal. But just imagine what will happen when the whole world goes to shit. Zombies are probably the most likely scenario but it could really happen any way. And when it does, I’ll be the one holding all the cards.”

Jason has since abandoned the possibility of finding employment and eagerly awaits the beginning of the apocalypse.

“It’ll be tough being one of the only survivors,” Jason told us while cashing a check his mother mailed him. “If you’re not already prepared when it hits, if you’re not strong and independent enough like I am, you’re just as good as dead when it happens.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial’s Staunch Objection to Marijuana Refreshingly Retrogressive

20-year-old Kevin Dubaccaus of Seattle, Washington, surprised his friends yesterday evening when he said he doesn’t condone the usage of marijuana.

“I just thought he was kidding at first,” said Kevin’s friend Caitlyn Baker, “but then he started reciting facts and statistics and all this health stuff and we were like… ‘whoa, he’s for real right now.’”

Kevin’s friends were fascinated by his opinion since Kevin is a forward-thinking person on all other social issues. In fact, Kevin’s friends welcomed his opposing viewpoint since everyone in Seattle generally has the same opinion about marijuana.

“It’s weird, but it’s cool,” said Kevin’s friend Anthony Tennisen. “Everyone here thinks about it the same way now. Which means that right now, Kevin is the progressive thinker. Like it totally blew my mind.”

These are just some of Kevin’s friends who are open to his opinion, however many of them simply don’t understand it. Kevin supports his opinion based on facts that some of his fellow college students are unable to comprehend.

“He was giving me all of these numbers and stuff,” said Jonathon Redmond who lives on Kevin’s floor. “I was like, ‘okay, dude, chill out, because all of these numbers have like these weird sorta colors on them and its all just like swirling around in my brain and making my soul hurt, ya know?’ And then he said that he didn’t know, and I was like ‘well who’s the dumb one now then?’”

Kevin tried coming out to his parents with his radically retrogressive views on the drug, however his father didn’t know how to pause the episode of “Scooby-Doo” he was watching and his mother was too fascinated with how her hands moved to take in what her son was saying.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.