SPECIAL REPORT: Assholes Anonymous

A recent study found that nearly 87% of all Americans are either assholes right now or have been assholes at some point in their lives. Many assholes go their entire lives without ever knowing what they are, whereas others will recognize their problem and refuse to deal with it. A new social program, however, aims to treat those afflicted with asshole syndrome with acceptance and tolerance.

“Assholes Anonymous” is a non-profit organization that forces assholes to deal with their assholism head-on. Members gather once a week in a public place and talk about how their assholism affects the lives of themselves and their loved ones.

“I’ve been coming to AA meetings for going on seven months now,” says AA member Don Eberts. “It helps just to have people who will listen, and to know I’m not the only one suffering from a need to wear shirts with jokes on them or never use a turn signal.”

The organization was founded by Marvin Alejski, a longtime sufferer of assholism.

“My father was an asshole, he raised me to be an asshole,” says Alejski. “I know firsthand what assholism does to a family. A lot of these assholes who show up for meetings are never given a chance anywhere else. Assholes Anonymous is a safe place for assholes all across the country.”

Alejski helps fund research into the phenomenon of assholism, working closely with psychologist Dr. Amelia Luz, the world’s leading expert on assholes. Dr. Luz thinks it might even be possible to create a cure.

“The truth is, we still don’t know much about assholes,” says Dr. Luz. “We can easily identify the symptoms, for example, frequently holding up lines for no reason, ordering off menu, spending money on a bumper sticker, things like that. What we’re still unsure of, however, is what makes someone an asshole; what compels people to do such inane things.”

Treating assholes has proven to be no easy task since those afflicted with assholism are obstinate by nature. Dr. Luz says she’s seen the best results in Alejski’s program.

“Assholes Anonymous is, in my opinion, the best place that recovering assholes can go to get help,” says Dr. Luz. “The first step to beating assholism is recognizing it within yourself, and introducing yourself as an asshole to group of people who know what you’re going through. You can’t quit being an asshole unless you first acknowledge that you are one.”

As Assholes Anonymous continues to grow across the nation, more and more assholes are getting the help they need. If you or anyone you know is an asshole then don’t be afraid to seek out help. If you don’t, you’re a schmuck.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial Living At Home With Parents Hiding Secret Second Family

Thom and Dana Corrigan of Celroy, Massachusetts, were shocked to discover this past Monday that their 24-year-old son Josh had been hiding a secret second family from them for nearly three years. Josh has been living with Thom and Dana since graduating college two years ago.

What surprised Thom and Dana the most, however, is that the family their son was seeing in secret consisted of Josh and a different married couple Thom and Dana’s age. Psychologist Marianna Quinn commented on the matter.

“In most cases of secret families you have a man, typically a man of influence, who falls out of love with his spouse and in love with someone else. Instead of leaving his spouse he starts a new life with his new love, often in a different town and under a different name. And then of course the original spouse finds out she burns down the childhood home of that bitch who ruined her life but makes sure she’s somewhere public when it all goes down so she has a solid alibi… but anyway, the case of Josh Corrigan is different because he didn’t start a new family. He just latched onto a different one.”

Thom and Dana were under the impression that their son Josh had a part time job; he would play video games during the day, and then leave for his job at night. In truth, Josh had no part time job. At night he would instead go to the home of empty nesters Riley and Shauna Levinson and continue playing video games at their house.

“Our son Daniel was in a car accident three years ago,” said Shauna. “One day Josh came to our door and told us that he was Daniel, but that the accident rearranged his face so he looked different now. We had no reason not to believe him.”

In truth, Josh and Daniel had planned this stunt together while the two met as roommates in college. Josh confessed to Daniel that he had no aspirations in life, and Daniel was sick of his parents taking care of him. The two faked a car accident so that Josh could assume Daniel’s sheltered life, and Daniel could move across the country to become more independent.

The two were finally caught when Shauna Levinson caught Josh eating a burger.

“My son Daniel would never eat red meat,” said Shauna. “He’s too afraid of that mad cow disease. I’m not sure what really gave it away, but it was definitely either the burger or the fact that Josh would constantly hit on me.”

Josh has been charged with identify fraud, and Daniel has been charged with aiding and abetting. Their life’s story is currently being adapted into a comedy movie that probably stars Ryan Reynolds and some nerd.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to be a part of this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mom Can’t Work the TV

Reports are coming in that area mother Susan Fink still does not know how to work the television set that has been in her family’s living room for over a decade. Susan’s family is getting pretty tired of having to teach the stay-at-home mom which buttons on the remote do certain things.

“She doesn’t understand that the cable and the television both have to be on,” says Susan’s son Jared. “It’s not a complicated process. There’s one button that turns on the whole system and she frequently forgets to use it.”

“Every time she wants to watch something, one of us has to stop what we’re doing and help,” says Susan’s daughter Amanda. “She’ll call me on the phone to ask what channel the Food Network is on. The guide is literally on the table next to her! She only watches that and the home improvement channel, how hard is it to memorize two numbers?”

Scientists and researchers have gathered to try and figure out why Susan has so much trouble with only this one household appliance and no others, but at this point most can only speculate.

“It could be some sort of internal brain damage,” said neurologist Dr. Dean Camper, an expert in abnormal brain functions. “I had a patient once who completely forgot about the letter ‘k,’ he would simply spea without it when he taled. Or another patient I had who was unable to recall anything from before he was born. We might be dealing with something similar to those cases.”

Susan herself was unavailable to comment, but she was available to follow this blog and reblog this post.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.