The 7 Elements of a Perfect Super Bowl Party

The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which means many Americans across the country will be hosting parties for friends, family members and neighbors. We at Circus Killer understand how stressful and nerve-wracking hosting your first Super Bowl party can be, especially if you’ve never quite followed the sport. If it sounds like you might be in this situation, check out this foolproof guide for hosting the perfect Super Bowl party.

 

Food: Snack foods are a must. Supermarkets will be jam-packed this weekend with other game day shoppers, so make sure you bring a switchblade or other concealable weapon to the store with you.

Beverages: Getting wasted is about the only thing that makes overgrown men running into each other for an oblong ball fun to watch. We recommend procuring about 1 keg per person, however do NOT serve wine. Any seasoned football fan will tell you that wine is for Europeans, self-righteous housewives and Bar Mitzvahs.

Equipment: The big game is meaningless without a big TV. Avoid hosting a Super Bowl party if your television is 196 inches or smaller.

Superstition: Many football fans are superstitious, so don’t feel uncomfortable if a guest shows up wearing old, unwashed “lucky” underwear. You might also consider borrowing a friend’s pair of old, unwashed “lucky” underwear so that people know you’re serious about the game’s outcome.

Women: Women play an important role every Super Bowl in that they serve food, drinks, and watch children, so make sure you have a few of those lying around.

In-House Entertainment: Domestic abuse is as much an American institution as the Super Bowl itself, so make sure your party has at least one violently alcoholic sports fanatic so things get out of hand at some point. For an increased experience, you might want to invite two people of this profile who are rooting for different teams.

Activities: Sometimes people like to celebrate the Super Bowl by playing some backyard football before the game begins. If you’re so socially defunct that you need a guide to tell you how to host a party, chances are you’re not up to that kind of physical activity or social pressure. Try breaking an arm or a rib before Sunday so you have a valid excuse to get out of this sort of game.

 

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

AMC to Equip Theaters with Electric Helmets that Keep Moviegoers from Using Cell Phones

AMC Theaters announced their plans this morning to install electronic helmets into the seats of every one of their theaters by the end of 2016. The purpose of these helmets is to emit a small electric shock to movie watchers whenever they think about checking their cell phones.

Each helmet contains a series of diodes that measure brainwave activity. The helmet is then hooked up to a small computer on the back of the seat and interprets these brainwaves as thoughts, then makes the decision to zap the moviegoer if those thoughts drift to things like friends and family.

AMC has been testing these helmets since the beginning of January and is working hard to “get rid of the kinks” before 2016, according to AMC spokeswoman Susan Gredenko.

“The purpose, ultimately, is to ensure that our customers are getting the full experience of the films they see,” Gredenko added. “Cell phones are a distraction to themselves and others, and we feel that this is the best way to get rid of that distraction.”

So far the helmets have been malfunctioning at an unacceptable rate. Test subjects have reportedly found it difficult to use their cell phones weeks after using the helmets, so the effects of the helmets appear to be long term. Additionally, the helmets provide a health risk to subjects with cardiac issues, however AMC looks at that positively.

“Another goal with this is to get old people out of our theaters,” said Gredenko. “Old people are our number one demographic, and that holds true for every other major movie theater. By putting old, feeble people at risk, we limit their attendance and hopefully bring a younger, thrill-seeking crowd.”

Other movie theaters have begun to draft similar projects, such as United Artist’s “Needle Machine” which injects viewers with adrenaline every 20 minutes, and Regal’s microwave chair arms that fry cell phones almost instantly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Social Media Site for Psychopaths Goes Viral

A new social media service called “Spatter,” targeted specifically towards psychopaths, rapists and serial killers, went viral shortly after its launch six days ago.

Nicknamed “Facebook for crazies,” Spatter allows sadists and murderers to post pictures and short videos of their latest sick and twisted escapades. The site also contains a “journals” section, where users can describe in detail their latest murder, their plans to commit murder, and everything they’ve learned about their favorite stalking victim.

One reviewer on Yelp called it, “a soulless hive of pure inhuman scum that exemplifies depravity in its truest form and engenders everything our society fights to discontinue,” while another Yelp reviewer said, “finally.”

Social media analysts have attributed the success of Spatter to its attention towards the previously neglected demographic of whack jobs. This was affirmed by Spatter user “BeautifulBlades.”

“It’s magnificent to have a place online where I can meet people with similar interests and share my experiences,” said BeautifulBlades. “When I post pictures on Facebook or Instagram of the messages I carve into shaved animals, I get the feeling like nobody cares. But now, somebody cares. Somebody cares…”

Spatter was created by the same developers behind SlashMeet, a dating app for the same demographic. SlashMeet was designed to allow psychopaths and the criminally insane to find similar people in their area so they could swap stalking victims, trade weapons, or casually hook-up. The app failed, however, since most of the people who downloaded SlashMeet used it to find out who in their local area was a sadistic psycho so they knew who to avoid and/or report to the police.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

US Troops Deployed on East Coast to Combat Snow

Early Yesterday Morning the United States was invaded by a snow-tastrophe of epic proportions. Citizens in the northeast of the US were hit hardest and have been fighting off the harsh winds and deadly snowflakes on their own, up until this morning when President Barack Obama ordered troops to be deployed to the region and aid in the fight against this wintery hell.

“We can not give in to these frigid demands,” said the President during a press conference this morning. “I will not allow this great nation to be held captive under the cold boot of wet, flakey tyranny.”

An emergency meeting of Congress was called to determine whether or not the President’s breech of Posse Comitatus was justified, however the meeting devolved into an argument about global warming.

“Of course the President was in the wrong,” said Republican senator Jack Geller, “but we have to keep in mind that Al Gore was even wronger! The world is getting colder, not hotter. Also, I wasn’t quite paying attention, what did the President do again and why are we here for?”

So far it is too early to tell if the President’s decision has had any effect on the weather, but many citizens of the east coast appear to believe that military action has played out positively. This according to posts on social media sites, since everyone in the area is snowed in and cannot give us an interview.

According to local sources, troops have been firing at the snow in residential areas all morning, however the snow appears to be fighting back. It has been reported that the snow takes out one American soldier for every 15,000 flakes destroyed, although this number cannot be confirmed.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Fans Spend Weekend Denying Things and Providing Unclear Answers in Support of Tom Brady

Recently it was discovered that the footballs used by the Patriots to win the AFC championship were not inflated to regulation standards. Blame fell to quarterback Tom Brady, who during a press conference denied having an active part in the scandal. To honor their beloved sports hero, fans of the New England Patriots spent the weekend denying everything that they could.

Ryan O’Leary, of Boston, was one such man. Brian was pulled over for driving through a red light at a busy intersection. When asked why he did this, Ryan denied both seeing the light and knowing what it was for.

Another of these fans was Meagan McMurphy, also a Boston native, who denied knowing what handicap parking spaces are for and that parking meters needed quarters to work.

Other Patriots fans are copying their athletic idol by providing detailed descriptions of the state of their balls. Patrick Kirkpatrick, the head of a small distribution company in Boston, called a staff meeting early this morning to talk to his employees about proper ball maintenance.

“Make sure your balls are fully functional before handling them,” Kirkpatrick said. “If your balls aren’t up to standards then put them away and use a friend’s.”

Many children who look up to Tom Brady as a role model have begun taking after the quarterback as well. On average, a record low 11% of grade school students in Boston did not turn in any homework today, claiming to have not known that anything was due. This is a dramatic drop compared to the average of 26% of Boston grade school students who turn in homework regularly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The Bizarre Truth Behind 12 Famous Company Mascots

Company mascots are always fun and engaging but sometimes they’re not as lighthearted as we think.  Here are 12 of the most famous company mascots and the strange truth behind their past and/or creation:

 

The Geico gecko has an anthropology degree from Oxford University.  He only started acting to help feed a drug addiction that he has since kicked.

The M&M’s company holds the world record for the “Most Racially Diverse Mascot Spokespeople Who Are Also Edible.”

Ronald McDonald is the product of a botched sex change operation.

The little girl on Coppertone sunscreen products grew up to be a stripper.

In the late 1960s, Aunt Jemima was a high-ranking member of the Black Panthers.

Mr. Clean is only 24 years old.  He only looks like a cartoonish old man after being exposed to low levels of radiation while growing up near Chernobyl.

The Pillsbury Doughboy shares an ancestor with Ted Bundy.

Allstate’s Dennis Haysbert was conceived in 2004 and later animated by the same people who created Pepsi’s Brittany Spears.

The red liquid inside the Kool-Aid man isn’t Kool-Aid, it’s human blood.

Tony the Tiger is a former Black Water mercenary with a confirmed 56 kills under his belt.

Chester Cheetah, also known as “The Cheetos Guy,” has never eaten a single Cheeto. He’s allergic to both danger and extremeness.

In the early 1950s,  a young man was abducted while wondering down an empty road at night after having just fought with his parents.  The young man’s abductor was an insane and disgraced surgeon who took the adolescent to an abandoned warehouse where he liked to perform sick experiments on animals and unsuspecting vagrants.  That night,  the surgeon completed one of his experiments that until then had failed dozens of times;  he removed the young man’s brain and successfully placed it within the body of a cow.  The young man then managed to break free and kill the surgeon but was trapped inside of a cow’s body.  After years,  the young man accepted his fate but sought vengeance further.  Two years later,  he opened the first “Chick-fil-a” restaurant,  for that evil,  insane surgeon that had ruined his life and turned him into a freak forever…  was a chicken.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Retraction of the Story from Yesterday

Yesterday, Circus Killer published a story about a mysterious meteorite crash and the bizarre effects it appears to be having on the nearby populace.

We wish to apologize for publishing that article. The facts turned out to be untrue. There is nothing strange about the meteor that crashed outside of Pleasant Falls, Maryland, and the people of that town have been acting completely normally. There is nothing out of order about Pleasant Falls.

In fact, Pleasant Falls is an excellent little town that I think all of you readers might enjoy. I recommend stopping by some time. You will not regret it. There is much fun to be had at Pleasant Falls.

The people of Pleasant Falls are kind and they will assist you and your every need. You will feel at home at Pleasant Falls. It is a nice town to live in. You should consider moving to Pleasant Falls and becoming one of the hundreds of happy people who live there safely and complacently.

You may be wondering why everyone who has visited Pleasant Falls in the last few days has never returned. This is simply because they have been having too much fun to leave and have made the smart decision to remain in Pleasant Falls for the duration of their lives.

Once you arrive at Pleasant Falls, make sure the forest is the first place you visit. Ask anyone in town, they can show you where the forest is located. The forest is an excellent place to begin your trip to Pleasant Falls. Do not be afraid to be accepted and happy.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.