Your weekly horoscope for March 16th, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Despite your determination, tenacity and iron will, you will not get the new sound system to work before the party on Saturday.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Tension will rise even further within your family this week so maybe don’t bring home any more black guys.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): He’s not flirting with you, he does that with everyone. In fact you should probably inform HR.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Big things are coming your way… no, seriously, there’s a truck coming straight for you! Run!!
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Nancy Reagan was super into astrology and she was the First Lady. I don’t know, maybe this stuff is for real.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You’ve been feeling really shut-in lately. Try reorganizing your home to make it look new, or maybe go outside and get a life.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): The only thing keeping you from your goals is you. I say that because your lack of experience and horrible credit is completely your fault.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Customarily you should leave 15-20%, depending on how the service was.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): I know things seem really bad right now, but it’s okay… you’ll die early.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You’re very angry at someone right now. Just remember to stay calm, take deep breaths and bury the body where no one will come looking.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I don’t know, where did you last remember putting it?
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I think that last date went pretty well, too, but do you really think a guy like that hasn’t been with anyone in a year? I mean, really?
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.