Thousands of college students saw disaster during their spring break when a massive sinkhole opened up in Cancun, swallowing and killing a shocking number of intoxicated business and political science majors.
“I just can’t believe it happened, dude,” said survivor Joey Simmons, a senior at Harvard Business School. “I wasn’t there when it happened ‘cause I was makin’ out with some chick from Ithaca who was Portuguese or Filipino or one of those South America countries, but you could hear it happen. I remember she was like ‘did you hear that?’ and I was like ‘I didn’t say you could talk’ and we kept makin’ out.”
It’s still too early to tell, but some geologists claim that the area became unsettled when thousands of gallons of spilled alcohol mixed with birth control pills, creatine and reproductive fluids that had gathered underground from previous spring breaks. The resulting chemical concoction was a new, unidentified acid that literally dissolved the rocks, dirt and skeletons of forgotten tourists upon which the resort town rested.
“It’s the sort of thing that you see on the news and you’re like ‘OMG I feel so sorry for those people,’” said survivor Amanda Berringer. “But like now, we’re those people. It’s blowing my mind… this isn’t the sort of thing that’s supposed to happen in America.”
The surviving spring break-ers are now attempting to fill in the crater that was Cancun to make a giant nude-only swimming pool to try and salvage what’s left of their week-long party.
Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
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