Month: October 2014

12 Lesser-Known Halloween Traditions

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For many, Halloween means dressing up as their favorite fictional characters, watching scary movies and handing out candy to sweet-toothed youngsters. But the holiday has been around for a while and has moved between nations, so many of the classic Halloween traditions have lost their voice… and some have just started getting popular. Here is a list of some lesser-known Halloween traditions.

 

Often, ordinary women will dress down to appear their sluttiest, while nuns will dress down to appear as ordinary women.

Hitting anyone who uses the term “Spooktacular.”

Handing out eggs and toilet paper so youngsters can trick the houses with subpar candy.

Slathering lamb’s blood on your doorframe to ward off Death.

Children enjoy bobbing for apples, while adults enjoy bobbing for contraceptives.

On Halloween night, if you stand in front of a mirror with the lights off and say “Zachary Quinto” three times, the actor will appear behind you and steal your eyebrows.

Promoting diabetes.

Starting drunken brawls with any person also wearing your costume.

Recently, haunted hayrides are being overshadowed by the increasingly popular haunted Zipcar scene.

Giving trick-or-treaters a fright by handing out copies of Gary Busey films.

Completing the harvest.

Some like to hollow out pumpkins, but the truly spirited will make their jack-o-lanterns out of human heads.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Haunted Escalator Claims Another Victim

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The Central Valley Mall in Arken, Arizona, has been the site of a series of deaths that many believe to be perpetrated by a haunted escalator. The most recent death occurred last Saturday when Delia Santiago, a 46-year-old orthodontic receptionist, fell down the up escalator for 20 minutes.

The escalator, referred to by superstitious locals as the “Stairway to Hell,” has been considered haunted since 1981 when a mall patron suffered a heart attack on it after spotting a corduroy sale in a nearby OshKosh B’Gosh. Since then it’s been rumored that the spirits of the men and women who have died on the automatic staircase inadvertently trip the living while scrambling to finally reach the second floor.

Delia Santiago’s is the fifth death attributed to the Stairway to Hell. The escalator is located in the center of the mall between a Cinnabon, a Forever 21 and another Cinnabon.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Grave Robber Guiltily Reduces Self to Grave Loiterer

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Dalton Parsons, a Kentucky small-town creep and lifelong admirer of dead things, was recently struck by a bout of self-reproach over his morbid hobbies. Parsons frequently snuck into local cemeteries to exhume freshly dead corpses and remove any valuables that might have been buried along with the deceased, which for Parsons came with the added bonus of being able to look at a dead guy for some time.

Recently, however, Parsons has lost his appetite for the necrotic and has found pleasure in just hanging around graveyards for a bit. While still creepy, many are relieved by Parsons’ change in habit. Among them was Heaven’s Hill Cemetery caretaker Samuel Walsh.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Walsh, “it’s still super creepy. If I could prove anything I’d have that weirdo locked up for life. At least he’s not damaging anything now.”

Police won’t do anything about Parsons because it’s rumored that making eye contact with the deviant can cause one’s hair to fall out. For now, residents will have to hope that Parsons continues to keep to himself and ride out his sudden remorse to a place of normality.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Teens Disappointed After Night in Haunted House Goes as Expected

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A group of teenagers from Boston recently stayed in the “Bloody Shutter House,” a small mansion outside of the city that has been abandoned since a string of murders in the 1970s, and were greatly disappointed upon discovering the house’s urban legends turned out to be true.

The house was finished in 1897 and traded homeowners frequently in the 80 years before its indefinite foreclosure, with every owner going insane, committing suicide, or being murdered by a loved one. It’s said that if any group stays in the house overnight a week before Halloween, at least one person will die in it.

This is precisely what happened when six attractive teenagers decided to brave the infamous house last Saturday. Over the course of the night, the teens were picked off one by one by vengeful spirits and possessed peers. Though horrifying, none of them were moved by the ordeal since they all entered the house expecting this to happen.

Only two teens survived the incident. One of them, Brett Farley, star quarterback of the football team and Homecoming King contender, was responsible for the deaths of three of his friends that night and will likely live out his days in a sanitarium. The other survivor, Kelly Mitchell, a popular blonde cheerleader and widely regarded attention whore, was generally unimpressed by the incident.

“I mean it was kinda scary I guess,” said Kelly in an interview while she texted her backup friends. “When you know what’s gonna happen it’s not that scary though. Brett’s always been kind of a douche, I sorta figured he’d be the one to go crazy.”

Kelly returned to school on Monday, unshaken by the terrifying event. It’s rumored that another group of friends will try to stay in the Bloody Shutter House tonight, electing to bring Netflix-enabled devices in case the murders get too boring.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nation’s Ghosts Angered by Commercialization of Halloween

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The year’s Halloween spirit is threatened by a number of angry spirits – many American ghosts have been speaking out against the capitalization of Halloween. Specters across the nation are convinced that the holiday has more to do with candy sales than it does with scaring the living.

“It’s become an abomination,” says Winston Montgomery III, former owner of a Virginia mansion who was murdered in his bedroom in 1938 and haunts the grounds to this day. “Scaring people on Halloween night used to be a time-honored tradition that I looked forward to year after year. Now I can’t so much as move a utensil or appear in a mirror without a five-year-old dressed as a superhero or a princess showing up at the door every five minutes.”

Many ghosts and ghouls are blaming candy manufacturers for the change in the holiday’s traditions. Workers at chocolate factories and candy stores across the nation have been receiving death-threats all month long, which haven’t been taken seriously since the people making these threats are proof that death isn’t really a big deal.

The dead decided to make their plight public over the weekend by attempting to organize a march in Chicago, but this proved fruitless since most of them didn’t have legs.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Making Pictures of Your Newborn More Interesting

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The happiest moment of your dreams has come true – you’ve brought a new life into the world. Obviously you’re eager to share your excitement, but your friends, family and coworkers might not be as enthusiastic over children as you are. Here are some tips to make sure everyone enjoys photos of your newborn:

 

Take a photo of your child showing off his or her gun collection.

Make sure your baby isn’t sleeping as you’re taking the picture.

Replace your baby photo with a cat photo.

Mix things up by showing your child using a napkin.

Your baby will look better in each photo if he or she is surrounded by other babies who aren’t as cute.

Place your child on a predatory animal before taking each photo.

Post all your photos on Facebook instead of showing them directly to people so that they’re easier to ignore.

Join the rest of the 21st century and take a video.

Use Photoshop to make your baby look thinner and more attractive.

Take your baby photos when your child is actually doing something impressive, such as breaking a land speed record or solving a complex mathematical theorem.

Wait about 20 years.

Quit being a fascist and let your child take its own damn pictures.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Fire Department Desperately Tries to Remove James Cameron from Area Man’s Pool

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James Cameron, famous Hollywood filmmaker and oceanographer, launched a watery expedition on Tuesday into a Georgia man’s in-ground pool without the man’s permission. Cameron had intended for this latest endeavor to take place in the ocean, but chose a random person’s backyard pool upon realizing that he’s run out of ocean to explore.

Hank Driscol, the pool’s owner, discovered Cameron early Wednesday morning when Avatar director Cameron briefly came up for air. Driscol confronted Cameron, but the filmmaker refused to leave Driscol’s pool until he discovers a treasure of some sort. It was at this point that Driscol called emergency services.

One day later, the local fire department was unsuccessful in removing Cameron from the pool. Authorities first began trying to reason with Cameron, but could not come up with the awe and wonder of genuine discovery that the film director seeks. Authorities then threatened to drain the pool, but Cameron countered by threatening to recite lines from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Since then both parties have been in a stalemate, but it’s likely that Driscol and everyone else involved will just wait for Cameron to tucker himself out.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Bus Driver Caught Operating Normal-Size Car, License Suspended

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Emilio Oher, a 46-year-old school bus driver in Connecticut, was arrested yesterday evening after being pulled over for speeding in a ’97 Ford Taurus. Authorities impounded the vehicle and suspended Oher’s license upon discovering the man’s true profession.

Oher claims the vehicle belongs to him, but local police have their doubts since the car isn’t long and yellow. Officers have been trying to locate the Ford’s real owner, but so far no one has come forward. If convicted, this will be the third offense for Oher who was indicted twice before for similar offenses.

Of course the scandal has concerned many parents in the area, who wonder how such a deviant could be employed by the school system. At the behest of the parents, an investigation is underway to determine if any other drivers in the school district have ever driven ordinary-sized automobiles in the past.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Marc Jacobs, Calvin Klein and Others to Design Stylish Facemasks for Ebola Fearful Fashionistas

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Many American companies are responding to the nation’s fear of Ebola. Among them are high-end fashion designers who aim to give their customers a chic peace of mind. Marc Jacobs is leading the campaign to bring fashionable facemasks to the American people who want to feel safe from the spread of Ebola without sacrificing their looks.

The masks will appear similar to the surgical masks worn during the 2003 SARS epidemic, only outfitted with labels and stylish patterns. Other fashion designers are jumping on the idea, going so far as adding elegant HAZMAT suits to their upcoming fashion lines.

To be clear, Ebola is not actually airborne as of right now, but the target market for the designers participating in this endeavor are the same people who pay hundreds of dollars for a handbag, so the masks should do pretty well.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Walmart to Replace Greeters with Drones

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This past weekend, Walmart spokesperson Patty Ellis announced the company’s plans to replace its Greeters with remotely-controlled drones. The proposition calls for a dozen unmanned aerial hovercraft to wait at the entrance of every store and inform customers of current promotions and sales.

“Drones are the next big thing,” said Ellis frankly. “Walmart has been trailing behind in the technology game, so it was either this or finish installing automatic doors in all of our stores.”

The drones will be operated by certified pilots in an off-site location, safe and far from any real customers. For many Greeters, this means unemployment.

“I’ve given my life to this job,” says Sheila Duncan, a life-long Walmart Greeter who died at her post twenty years ago before being revived by a customer who had just purchased a defibrillator. “Now I have to decide if I should leave my job or go back to drone school. No one should have to make that choice.”

Walmart is the fourth multi-billion dollar company that wishes to implement drones into its business, following Amazon, Google, and Facebook. Facebook has been using drone technology since its inception in 2004 in the form of its users.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.