SPECIAL REPORT: Sleep

Not too long ago, Circus Killer News posted an article about dream interpretation. Shortly thereafter, we received numerous complaints from readers who did not find this article helpful because they don’t know how to experience dreams. Due to the volume of complaints, CKN has decided to do this week’s Special Report on sleep, since many of our readers seem to be unaware that dreams can only be experienced while you’re sleeping.

First, let’s explore the science of sleep. Sleep is a common phenomenon in the animal kingdom, although every animal has its own unique sleep patterns. Dolphins, for example, can only fall asleep after having an intense orgasm. Tortoises only sleep for a single five-minute period every century, and giraffes sleep while hanging upside-down from tree branches.

The reason why all living things sleep is because of aliens. All the aliens love our planet because it’s not too cold, not too soggy, and we have some pretty rad amusement parks. Because they’re too shy to be seen in public, the aliens had to devise a way of making all the animals on Earth lose consciousness for a short while, so they flew up into space and sought out Sausamzayas, a celestial being who can control people’s minds. In exchange for thirty-seven florpnaughts, the aliens obtained a machine from Sausamzayas that generates little granules of magical powder that they are able to teleport into your eyeballs every night, causing several hours of sleep. Over time, the human body gets used to the effects of the sleeping powder and begins to mimic those effects on its own by about age three.

Sleep has become an important part of staying alive and healthy. The human body actually heals faster when it’s asleep. This is because while you’re awake you use up a lot of your brainpower thinking about how worthless and insignificant you are, but when you’re asleep your brain can use all of its power to do useful things like fix your bones and tell your stomach acid to be quieter. People who don’t get a lot of sleep tend to be more irritable, better skateboarders, and less likely to have their belly lovingly rubbed by a stranger on a bus.

Sleep disorders are common among weirdoes and freaks, and can affect sleep in a variety of different ways. Two of the most common sleep disorders are insomnia, which is characterized by an inability to sleep indoors, and outsomnia, which is not being able to sleep unless you just watched someone play baseball poorly. There’s also sleep apenea, which is when nearby apes are compelled to break into your home and try to smother you in your sleep. Nobody knows what causes sleep apenea or what attracts the apes, so if you’re suffering from sleep apenea then make sure your home has been properly ape-proofed.

Normal people can have a difficult time sleeping as well. This can be the result of stress, but it can also be because of an agitation of one of your senses, such as a loud noise or having your earlobes flicked by an Angel of the Lord. There are many different methods for falling asleep quickly, including sleeping pills, sleeping potions, sleeping spells, and just trying harder. The best method for falling asleep, however, is counting sheep, so if you ever find yourself tossing and turning at night, just look out your window and count all the iPhone users you see until you pass out.

Sleep isn’t just the most entertaining way to pass the time. It’s also an essential part of being a human. Just keep in mind that there is an appropriate time and place for sleep. You never want to fall asleep while operating a vehicle or while typing a news article. If you do, you mightjdfzxlzcbvznnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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11 Back to School Tips (High School)

High school is an awkward and uncomfortable time for everyone, including your teachers. If done right, however, high school can be the easiest four years of your life. Follow these tips to make sure your back-to-school experience is a breeze!

 

1. Not using a backpack is the current fashion trend in high schools across the country. Instead, students are tying their books to four-foot long tortoises that they pull through the halls with dog leashes.

2. Beat up someone on your first day so the other inmates respect you.

3. Every morning, run your tongue under scalding-hot water so you can’t taste how shitty the school lunches are.

4. Public schools across the country are facing huge budget cuts so don’t be surprised if your teacher has been replaced with an iPad.

5. Joining a club is a great way to admit that you don’t have any friends.

6. Bring your own pillow for the federally required naptime that now replaces all music and art classes.

7. It’s never too early to start preparing for college, so go to as many parties as you can and keep binge drinking in order to build up your tolerance.

8. Bullying is never okay, unless you go to an ultra-rich prep school where it’s a class.

9. 68% of all bus drivers are registered sex offenders, so always be on your guard.

10. 74% of all bus drivers are also drug dealers, so watch out for that as well.

11. To appease both transgendered students who wish to use the bathroom of their preferred gender and anti-transgender parents who are uncomfortable with their child using the same bathroom as a member of the LGBT community, bring a bucket with you so you can do your business anywhere.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Bus Driver Caught Operating Normal-Size Car, License Suspended

Emilio Oher, a 46-year-old school bus driver in Connecticut, was arrested yesterday evening after being pulled over for speeding in a ’97 Ford Taurus. Authorities impounded the vehicle and suspended Oher’s license upon discovering the man’s true profession.

Oher claims the vehicle belongs to him, but local police have their doubts since the car isn’t long and yellow. Officers have been trying to locate the Ford’s real owner, but so far no one has come forward. If convicted, this will be the third offense for Oher who was indicted twice before for similar offenses.

Of course the scandal has concerned many parents in the area, who wonder how such a deviant could be employed by the school system. At the behest of the parents, an investigation is underway to determine if any other drivers in the school district have ever driven ordinary-sized automobiles in the past.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.