SPECIAL REPORT: Vampires

Humans have shared this world with many supernatural creatures over the ages. One such creature that people often celebrate this time of year is a vampire. These deadly, soul sucking, strangely attractive creatures of the night often terrorize our friends and our families, elude our laws and our understanding, and take our women and our jobs.

Vampires were first discovered in the late 1800s when a multitude of killings took the lives of several young London women. All the women had bite marks on their necks, a set of fangs that weren’t present when they disappeared, and a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight.” All of the murders were blamed on a creepy-looking Eastern European guy because of his accent, which where the Transylvanian stereotype comes from. It was later discovered that the killer was a vampiric industrialist who was wealthy enough it didn’t matter.

Since then, vampirism has been spreading throughout the western world. There have been many famous vampires throughout history, including Martin Van Buren, Al Jolson, and two of the Marx Brothers. Many famous folks who are still alive today are also struggling with vampirism, such as Melania Trump, Martin Shkreli, and that woman from the Progressive commercials.

There are a few different ways you can identify a vampire. For starters, Vampires cannot say the name of God because they think being atheists makes them smarter. If you suspect someone is a vampire, quiz him or her on all things Christ. Additionally, the myth about vampires being allergic to garlic is partially true; if you rub garlic on a vampire’s skin it will turn charcoal black and cool to the touch. Vampires also do not have a reflection, so if you shine a mirror at one you will see an image of a dog on a unicycle dressed as a clown, and not the vampire itself.

Vampires have a number of abilities that make them difficult to combat. They’re super strong, super fast, can turn into bats, cannot age, do not sleep, can stop time, can control the weather, start fires with their mind, and can eat over forty hotdogs in one sitting. Most of the ways that vampires are killed in legend have some degree of truth to them. The myth of the wooden stake through the heart, for example, is a very close mistranslation. In truth, all vampires have poor cholesterol and cannot eat red meat. A steak that has been cooked on a wood-burning stove is really bad for their hearts. Similarly, silver will not damage them, but finishing second in anything will significantly cripple their self-esteem.

The best method for defeating a vampire, however, is to simply not attract one in the first place. Vampires sustain themselves on human blood, so the more blood you have in your body, and the more openly you display that blood, the more likely it is that a vampire will point you in their sights. Essentially, if a vampire attacks you, it’s probably because you were dressed provocatively or were leading it on, so you were asking for it.

If you do get bitten by a vampire, however, then do not panic. Vampires have three kinds of bites. The first is for sucking blood, and it is used to completely drain your body of its vitality. Vampires using this type of bite will not let go until they’ve finished feeding and your body is completely drained, so you have to loosen its grip on your neck by wedging something in there or tickling it. The second type of bite is to convert you into a vampire. In this type, the vampire injects you with vampiric venom that will turn you into a vampire within twenty-four hours of being bitten. Your best chance then is to suck out the venom with a vacuum, bendy straw, or best friend. The third type of bite has nothing to do with preying on humans and is only used for eating pizza.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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8 Facts That Prove Climate Change Is A Hoax

With the media being dominated by fake news stations like CNN, MSNBC, and everything else that isn’t The Daily Caller, it can be difficult to tell the difference between a legitimate climate change report and a hoax. Like always, Circus Killer News went ahead to bring you all the facts so you know what’s real and what isn’t.

 

1. God doesn’t believe in it.
Climate change is not mentioned anywhere in the bible. If God hasn’t told us it’s real, then there’s no way it could be.

2. The Earth still gets cold sometimes.
If the Earth is really heating up then there shouldn’t be any more winters. The months would just go from November to March, but if you look at any calendar, you’ll see that this is not the case.

3. The Earth shouldn’t be the only world that’s changing.
People haven’t only existed on Earth; we also visited the Moon. If humans were truly a contributing factor to climate change then the Moon’s climate should be changing, too.

4. Electric cars don’t work.
We’re told electric cars are healthier for the environment because they don’t pollute the air as much, and therefore do not contribute to climate change. My neighbor drives an electric car, however, and he suffocated in his apartment last week, so clearly electric cars don’t keep the air clean.

5. There’s no way we’re melting the polar ice caps.
It is true that humans make places warmer; cities are often warmer than countrysides because of all the people, energy, and drugs. The polar ice caps might be melting, but since humans don’t have any civilizations at the north or south poles, there’s no way we’re responsible. Most likely the melting is due to intense polar bear sex.

6. Even if the ice caps are melting, so what?
Scientists would have you believe that if the polar ice caps melt, sea levels around the world would rise several feet, erasing islands and shrinking coastlines. What those scientists don’t admit, however, is that water evaporates into the air. If anything we should be having a thicker atmosphere, not a depleting ozone layer.

7. There are no “superstorms.”
Scientists have warned that climate change will lead the planet into a new era of highly volatile superstorms, and yet no tornado, hurricane, or volcano has every been photographed wearing the Superman logo.

8. Scientists lie all the time. 
The truth is, science has no real use in society. Scientists must lie all the time to try and keep their faux profession alive instead of getting a real hard-working blue-collar job. Other examples of money-driven lies that scientists tell are that vaccines work, that Pluto is not a planet, and that the numbness I feel in my left foot is somehow related to the 200 fluid ounces of soda I drink everyday.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Cheat to Win Super Bowl Using Divine Intervention

Super Bowl XLIX took place yesterday with the New England Patriots beating the Seattle Seahawks 28 to 24, however the Patriots’ win was met with outrage this morning when it came to light that members of the team had been praying to God to assure their victory.

It was confirmed that every one of the players spent a considerable amount of time praying to God before the game. Additionally, quarterback Tom Brady reportedly led the team in a prayer in the locker room moments before coming out onto the field.

Although this was a clear violation of the NFL’s policy on performance enhancements, the news did not come as a shock to most football fans. This has been the third time that the Patriots have cheated this season. The most recent time was during the NFC championship game in which members of the coaching staff deflated all 12 footballs that the team used throughout the game. The first account of cheating by the Patriots this season was when they were caught using mind control devices to help win a game against the Green Bay Packers in early October.

Agitated Seahawks fans are demanding blood but the League refuses to acknowledge the act as a form of cheating.

“There is nothing in the rules that forbid the usage of divine intervention during an official game,” said NFL spokesman Chad M. Matthews. “There’s a stipulation about witchcraft, the occult and several Hindu gods for some reason, but nothing about using the Almighty.”

God Himself has yet to respond to the allegations but is rumored to have been spotted attending the Super Bowl wearing a Patriots hat. This, however, has not been confirmed.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.