SPECIAL REPORT: Saxophones

All of us recognize the saxophone as the sexiest instrument in the world, but few of us know much else about it. Over 90% of Americans have no idea where saxophones come from, even though an additional 60% of Americans sleep with one under their bed every night without even realizing it. Circus Killer News sent a team of highly trained investigators to go out and learn as much as they could about that new sushi place that just opened up down the road. Meanwhile we spent five minutes looking up saxophones on the internet. Here’s what we found.

Many Americans believe that the saxophone was given to man thousands of years ago, when the biblical Abraham and his wife Sarah were having issues conceiving a child. To help out his bro, God gifted Abraham with a tenor saxophone, promising that it was a tool that would end their pregnancy problems. Abraham studied the instrument and became the greatest saxophonist who ever lived, and the sounds of that magnificent brass horn were so erotic that it made Sarah pregnant the first time he played it in front of her.

While that tale is highly plausible, science shows us that it isn’t true. We now know that saxophones are created in supernova explosions, and that millions of saxophones rain down on this planet every 63,000 years in a span of five minutes. The first saxophones were found by archeologist Dr. Esteban von Sax while digging holes in the ground to hide from bullies. Dr. Sax first thought that he found strange, misshapen dinosaurs, but when he placed his mouth on the end of one – as any archeologist would – he discovered that the beautiful brass shape that he found in the dirt was actually a majestic musical instrument. This is where the saxophone got the nicknames, “dirt horn,” “brass fossil,” and “dirty brass prehistoric mystical shape organ from the dirt.”

There are many different types of saxophones, including alto, tenor, bass, piano, unleaded, semi-automatic, and trans. Each one controls a different element of nature. Only The Sage – a master saxophonist who appears once a generation – can wield all of them. The Sage is the deadliest man on Earth with a saxophone, and he never uses his powers for good. Ever.

The average saxophone has thirty-two keys, plus four wisdom keys that sometimes appear during young adulthood. The price of a saxophone is determined by how loudly its keys jingle and jangle about in the wind. When played, each key of the saxophone is pressed down to unlock a different piece of the player’s soul. If every key is pressed at the same time then the player’s soul is instantly ejected from his or her body, and they must use the instrument to suck it back in before they die.

We’re learning more and more about saxophones every day, but they remain to be one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. If you or someone you know has seen a saxophone lately, contact the authorities immediately.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Poseidon Fucking With Area Man

Wyatt Shelton, of Brighton, Virginia, has reportedly been plagued by visitations from Poseidon, God of the Sea, over the last several months. Shelton says that his encounters with the Greek god have become a hindrance in his life, and they seem to have no purpose.

“The first time Poseidon appeared to me,” says Shelton, “I was fishing at a lake not too far from my house, and suddenly his head popped up from the water. He told me that he had been slumbering in the lake for a thousand years, and that my fishing was so loud that it woke him up.”

Shelton says he was so flummoxed by the encounter that he wasn’t able to respond.

“Then Poseidon splashed up onto the dock,” he continued, “and he picked up my tackle box and said that I owed him ocean tax, and then he jumped back into the lake with it. I didn’t know what to think, and I never saw that tackle box again.”

Shelton kept the incident to himself and pretended like it never happened, until he was visited again a few weeks later.

“This time he came through my coffee,” Shelton says. “I was driving to work, coffee in hand, when the lid popped off and Poseidon shot out of my cup and into the driver’s seat, spilling coffee everywhere. I was furious.”

According to Shelton, the god then proceeded to talk about an idea for a television show where Poseidon would play himself as a detective who could travel through time and have sex with ghosts.

“He was practically shouting the whole time, so I couldn’t concentrate on my driving. Also the show idea that he pitched wasn’t even a good one. It was a very uncomfortable experience.”

Poseidon made his final appearance last week while Shelton was in the shower.

“He drizzled out of my showerhead and started shampooing my hair while telling me more about all the ghosts he wanted to have sex with on his tv show. I told him that I didn’t like his idea and that he shouldn’t bother me anymore, but I don’t think he got the message.”

Shelton is hopeful that these encounters with the God of the Sea have come to an end, but he is reportedly taking steps to eliminate liquids from his life altogether, just to be safe.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Sleep

Not too long ago, Circus Killer News posted an article about dream interpretation. Shortly thereafter, we received numerous complaints from readers who did not find this article helpful because they don’t know how to experience dreams. Due to the volume of complaints, CKN has decided to do this week’s Special Report on sleep, since many of our readers seem to be unaware that dreams can only be experienced while you’re sleeping.

First, let’s explore the science of sleep. Sleep is a common phenomenon in the animal kingdom, although every animal has its own unique sleep patterns. Dolphins, for example, can only fall asleep after having an intense orgasm. Tortoises only sleep for a single five-minute period every century, and giraffes sleep while hanging upside-down from tree branches.

The reason why all living things sleep is because of aliens. All the aliens love our planet because it’s not too cold, not too soggy, and we have some pretty rad amusement parks. Because they’re too shy to be seen in public, the aliens had to devise a way of making all the animals on Earth lose consciousness for a short while, so they flew up into space and sought out Sausamzayas, a celestial being who can control people’s minds. In exchange for thirty-seven florpnaughts, the aliens obtained a machine from Sausamzayas that generates little granules of magical powder that they are able to teleport into your eyeballs every night, causing several hours of sleep. Over time, the human body gets used to the effects of the sleeping powder and begins to mimic those effects on its own by about age three.

Sleep has become an important part of staying alive and healthy. The human body actually heals faster when it’s asleep. This is because while you’re awake you use up a lot of your brainpower thinking about how worthless and insignificant you are, but when you’re asleep your brain can use all of its power to do useful things like fix your bones and tell your stomach acid to be quieter. People who don’t get a lot of sleep tend to be more irritable, better skateboarders, and less likely to have their belly lovingly rubbed by a stranger on a bus.

Sleep disorders are common among weirdoes and freaks, and can affect sleep in a variety of different ways. Two of the most common sleep disorders are insomnia, which is characterized by an inability to sleep indoors, and outsomnia, which is not being able to sleep unless you just watched someone play baseball poorly. There’s also sleep apenea, which is when nearby apes are compelled to break into your home and try to smother you in your sleep. Nobody knows what causes sleep apenea or what attracts the apes, so if you’re suffering from sleep apenea then make sure your home has been properly ape-proofed.

Normal people can have a difficult time sleeping as well. This can be the result of stress, but it can also be because of an agitation of one of your senses, such as a loud noise or having your earlobes flicked by an Angel of the Lord. There are many different methods for falling asleep quickly, including sleeping pills, sleeping potions, sleeping spells, and just trying harder. The best method for falling asleep, however, is counting sheep, so if you ever find yourself tossing and turning at night, just look out your window and count all the iPhone users you see until you pass out.

Sleep isn’t just the most entertaining way to pass the time. It’s also an essential part of being a human. Just keep in mind that there is an appropriate time and place for sleep. You never want to fall asleep while operating a vehicle or while typing a news article. If you do, you mightjdfzxlzcbvznnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Vampires

Humans have shared this world with many supernatural creatures over the ages. One such creature that people often celebrate this time of year is a vampire. These deadly, soul sucking, strangely attractive creatures of the night often terrorize our friends and our families, elude our laws and our understanding, and take our women and our jobs.

Vampires were first discovered in the late 1800s when a multitude of killings took the lives of several young London women. All the women had bite marks on their necks, a set of fangs that weren’t present when they disappeared, and a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight.” All of the murders were blamed on a creepy-looking Eastern European guy because of his accent, which where the Transylvanian stereotype comes from. It was later discovered that the killer was a vampiric industrialist who was wealthy enough it didn’t matter.

Since then, vampirism has been spreading throughout the western world. There have been many famous vampires throughout history, including Martin Van Buren, Al Jolson, and two of the Marx Brothers. Many famous folks who are still alive today are also struggling with vampirism, such as Melania Trump, Martin Shkreli, and that woman from the Progressive commercials.

There are a few different ways you can identify a vampire. For starters, Vampires cannot say the name of God because they think being atheists makes them smarter. If you suspect someone is a vampire, quiz him or her on all things Christ. Additionally, the myth about vampires being allergic to garlic is partially true; if you rub garlic on a vampire’s skin it will turn charcoal black and cool to the touch. Vampires also do not have a reflection, so if you shine a mirror at one you will see an image of a dog on a unicycle dressed as a clown, and not the vampire itself.

Vampires have a number of abilities that make them difficult to combat. They’re super strong, super fast, can turn into bats, cannot age, do not sleep, can stop time, can control the weather, start fires with their mind, and can eat over forty hotdogs in one sitting. Most of the ways that vampires are killed in legend have some degree of truth to them. The myth of the wooden stake through the heart, for example, is a very close mistranslation. In truth, all vampires have poor cholesterol and cannot eat red meat. A steak that has been cooked on a wood-burning stove is really bad for their hearts. Similarly, silver will not damage them, but finishing second in anything will significantly cripple their self-esteem.

The best method for defeating a vampire, however, is to simply not attract one in the first place. Vampires sustain themselves on human blood, so the more blood you have in your body, and the more openly you display that blood, the more likely it is that a vampire will point you in their sights. Essentially, if a vampire attacks you, it’s probably because you were dressed provocatively or were leading it on, so you were asking for it.

If you do get bitten by a vampire, however, then do not panic. Vampires have three kinds of bites. The first is for sucking blood, and it is used to completely drain your body of its vitality. Vampires using this type of bite will not let go until they’ve finished feeding and your body is completely drained, so you have to loosen its grip on your neck by wedging something in there or tickling it. The second type of bite is to convert you into a vampire. In this type, the vampire injects you with vampiric venom that will turn you into a vampire within twenty-four hours of being bitten. Your best chance then is to suck out the venom with a vacuum, bendy straw, or best friend. The third type of bite has nothing to do with preying on humans and is only used for eating pizza.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

8 Facts That Prove Climate Change Is A Hoax

With the media being dominated by fake news stations like CNN, MSNBC, and everything else that isn’t The Daily Caller, it can be difficult to tell the difference between a legitimate climate change report and a hoax. Like always, Circus Killer News went ahead to bring you all the facts so you know what’s real and what isn’t.

 

1. God doesn’t believe in it.
Climate change is not mentioned anywhere in the bible. If God hasn’t told us it’s real, then there’s no way it could be.

2. The Earth still gets cold sometimes.
If the Earth is really heating up then there shouldn’t be any more winters. The months would just go from November to March, but if you look at any calendar, you’ll see that this is not the case.

3. The Earth shouldn’t be the only world that’s changing.
People haven’t only existed on Earth; we also visited the Moon. If humans were truly a contributing factor to climate change then the Moon’s climate should be changing, too.

4. Electric cars don’t work.
We’re told electric cars are healthier for the environment because they don’t pollute the air as much, and therefore do not contribute to climate change. My neighbor drives an electric car, however, and he suffocated in his apartment last week, so clearly electric cars don’t keep the air clean.

5. There’s no way we’re melting the polar ice caps.
It is true that humans make places warmer; cities are often warmer than countrysides because of all the people, energy, and drugs. The polar ice caps might be melting, but since humans don’t have any civilizations at the north or south poles, there’s no way we’re responsible. Most likely the melting is due to intense polar bear sex.

6. Even if the ice caps are melting, so what?
Scientists would have you believe that if the polar ice caps melt, sea levels around the world would rise several feet, erasing islands and shrinking coastlines. What those scientists don’t admit, however, is that water evaporates into the air. If anything we should be having a thicker atmosphere, not a depleting ozone layer.

7. There are no “superstorms.”
Scientists have warned that climate change will lead the planet into a new era of highly volatile superstorms, and yet no tornado, hurricane, or volcano has every been photographed wearing the Superman logo.

8. Scientists lie all the time. 
The truth is, science has no real use in society. Scientists must lie all the time to try and keep their faux profession alive instead of getting a real hard-working blue-collar job. Other examples of money-driven lies that scientists tell are that vaccines work, that Pluto is not a planet, and that the numbness I feel in my left foot is somehow related to the 200 fluid ounces of soda I drink everyday.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Cheat to Win Super Bowl Using Divine Intervention

Super Bowl XLIX took place yesterday with the New England Patriots beating the Seattle Seahawks 28 to 24, however the Patriots’ win was met with outrage this morning when it came to light that members of the team had been praying to God to assure their victory.

It was confirmed that every one of the players spent a considerable amount of time praying to God before the game. Additionally, quarterback Tom Brady reportedly led the team in a prayer in the locker room moments before coming out onto the field.

Although this was a clear violation of the NFL’s policy on performance enhancements, the news did not come as a shock to most football fans. This has been the third time that the Patriots have cheated this season. The most recent time was during the NFC championship game in which members of the coaching staff deflated all 12 footballs that the team used throughout the game. The first account of cheating by the Patriots this season was when they were caught using mind control devices to help win a game against the Green Bay Packers in early October.

Agitated Seahawks fans are demanding blood but the League refuses to acknowledge the act as a form of cheating.

“There is nothing in the rules that forbid the usage of divine intervention during an official game,” said NFL spokesman Chad M. Matthews. “There’s a stipulation about witchcraft, the occult and several Hindu gods for some reason, but nothing about using the Almighty.”

God Himself has yet to respond to the allegations but is rumored to have been spotted attending the Super Bowl wearing a Patriots hat. This, however, has not been confirmed.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.