Poseidon Fucking With Area Man

Wyatt Shelton, of Brighton, Virginia, has reportedly been plagued by visitations from Poseidon, God of the Sea, over the last several months. Shelton says that his encounters with the Greek god have become a hindrance in his life, and they seem to have no purpose.

“The first time Poseidon appeared to me,” says Shelton, “I was fishing at a lake not too far from my house, and suddenly his head popped up from the water. He told me that he had been slumbering in the lake for a thousand years, and that my fishing was so loud that it woke him up.”

Shelton says he was so flummoxed by the encounter that he wasn’t able to respond.

“Then Poseidon splashed up onto the dock,” he continued, “and he picked up my tackle box and said that I owed him ocean tax, and then he jumped back into the lake with it. I didn’t know what to think, and I never saw that tackle box again.”

Shelton kept the incident to himself and pretended like it never happened, until he was visited again a few weeks later.

“This time he came through my coffee,” Shelton says. “I was driving to work, coffee in hand, when the lid popped off and Poseidon shot out of my cup and into the driver’s seat, spilling coffee everywhere. I was furious.”

According to Shelton, the god then proceeded to talk about an idea for a television show where Poseidon would play himself as a detective who could travel through time and have sex with ghosts.

“He was practically shouting the whole time, so I couldn’t concentrate on my driving. Also the show idea that he pitched wasn’t even a good one. It was a very uncomfortable experience.”

Poseidon made his final appearance last week while Shelton was in the shower.

“He drizzled out of my showerhead and started shampooing my hair while telling me more about all the ghosts he wanted to have sex with on his tv show. I told him that I didn’t like his idea and that he shouldn’t bother me anymore, but I don’t think he got the message.”

Shelton is hopeful that these encounters with the God of the Sea have come to an end, but he is reportedly taking steps to eliminate liquids from his life altogether, just to be safe.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Trump Budget Includes Gilded White House

Earlier today, President Trump released his proposal for the new federal budget under his administration. Details of the budget terrorized experts, polarized ordinary citizens, and gave the upper class something else to lie about. What follows is some of the details of the Trump Budget.

Firstly, nearly 30% of the federal budget will be used to renovate the White House itself. Trump will coat the entire building in a thin layer of solid gold in hopes that it will prevent atheists from reading his thoughts. President Trump has also admitted that working in the Oval Office makes him uncomfortable because it’s “too much like a woman’s sex bits, and not the fun ones,” so the budget will cover the cost it takes to convert the Oval Office into the long, hard shaft that Trump believes is “a more dignified and bigly structure.”

The budget will also cover the construction of hundreds of “Patriot Zones” across the US where Americans can gather and thank Trump for all he’s done for this country so far. These Patriot Zones will use military loudspeaker equipment to blast group prayers five times a day, several miles in all directions. Americans are encouraged to join in these prayers while bowing in the direction of Trump Tower.

The Trump Budget also sets aside money to allow for the construction of a border wall with Mexico, a large bridge between Russia and Alaska, and a moat to separate blue states from the rest of the nation.

Trump’s proposed budget will cut up to billions from federally sponsored programs for various reasons. Public schools will be defunded because “American children need Jesus more than books,” medical benefits for retirees will be slashed because “diseases aren’t real, I’ve never had them” and food stamps will be cut because “people should not be mailing their food, it’s a disgrace.”

Many politicians and economists are skeptical that Trump’s tax plan can cover the proposed budget. Trump’s tax plan calls for a total restructuring of existing tax brackets to be based on things like “blondness” and “winnering” instead of income. All that can be said for certain is that these steps surely puts America on the right track to be great again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways To Enjoy Valentine’s Day While Single

Valentine’s Day is a great way for taken women to feel cherished and for taken men to feel poor. For the single word, however, Valentine’s Day can be an abysmal reminder that loneliness is the only true constant in the universe. Here are some tips you can use to stave those terrible thoughts away this Tuesday.

 

1. Tell people you’re refusing to celebrate this year because we shouldn’t take any focus off of Black History Month.

2. Spend the day with another single friend and see if your outbursts of bipolar depression sync up.

3. Eat enough chocolate to put yourself in a coma for the whole day.

4. Put some thought into that yearly Facebook post where you slam Valentine’s Day for being a made-up holiday used by Big Chocolate to increase their first quarter profits.

5. Masturbate.

6. Perform chores and errands that most people wouldn’t do on Valentine’s Day, such as doing your taxes, organizing your garage, writing your manifesto, etc.

7. Avoid Jen’s desk.

8. Visit a bar to prove to yourself that other people are just as alone and dysfunctional as you.

9. Tell yourself that you’re going to start working out so that you don’t wind up in the same situation next Valentine’s Day, and then assure yourself that this week isn’t a good time to start.

10. In the days before February 14th, place electrodes around your body that shock you each time you think of an ex. By the time Valentine’s Day arrives you’ll either be cured of your lingering feelings or go on a homicidal rampage.

11. Work on your erotic science fiction novella.

12. Go back in time and kill St. Valentine before he gets all those snakes out of Mary’s uterus or whatever it is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.