Valentine’s Day is a great way for taken women to feel cherished and for taken men to feel poor. For the single word, however, Valentine’s Day can be an abysmal reminder that loneliness is the only true constant in the universe. Here are some tips you can use to stave those terrible thoughts away this Tuesday.
1. Tell people you’re refusing to celebrate this year because we shouldn’t take any focus off of Black History Month.
2. Spend the day with another single friend and see if your outbursts of bipolar depression sync up.
3. Eat enough chocolate to put yourself in a coma for the whole day.
4. Put some thought into that yearly Facebook post where you slam Valentine’s Day for being a made-up holiday used by Big Chocolate to increase their first quarter profits.
6. Perform chores and errands that most people wouldn’t do on Valentine’s Day, such as doing your taxes, organizing your garage, writing your manifesto, etc.
7. Avoid Jen’s desk.
8. Visit a bar to prove to yourself that other people are just as alone and dysfunctional as you.
9. Tell yourself that you’re going to start working out so that you don’t wind up in the same situation next Valentine’s Day, and then assure yourself that this week isn’t a good time to start.
10. In the days before February 14th, place electrodes around your body that shock you each time you think of an ex. By the time Valentine’s Day arrives you’ll either be cured of your lingering feelings or go on a homicidal rampage.
11. Work on your erotic science fiction novella.
12. Go back in time and kill St. Valentine before he gets all those snakes out of Mary’s uterus or whatever it is.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.