A team of geologists made an unexpected discovery today when a large deposit of syrup that has remained completely untouched by human hands was found beneath the bottom pancake in a full stack at IHOP. The discovery was made by a group of USGS scientists.
“We decided to have an early lunch at IHOP,” said geologist Jill Pranesh, “mostly because a recent executive order prevents us from doing any actual work besides locating land for a Trump Monument. None of us were expecting this discovery.”
The scientists admit that they had speculated something liquid was beneath that bottom pancake, however there was no way to know conclusively that that liquid was syrup until a drill team finally cut into it.
A bidding war has already commenced among several parties who want to cut through the pancake entirely and begin using the syrup for consumption since different people have laid claim to the deposit.
“Amanda paid for this stack,” said Pranesh, “however she was only covering for Mike who left his wallet at the office. It’s difficult to say whose property the pancake is, so it’s difficult to say who gets the syrup beneath.”
The discovery has sparked new hope in the USGS scientists who say they will concentrate their efforts on searching for more unknown syrup deposits beneath other pancakes on surrounding tables.
Some controversy erupted, however, when one of the scientists suggested fracking as a means of extracting the syrup more efficiently. This would be done by injecting a mixture of pressurized water and chemicals into the pancake with hopes that the syrup will move closer to the surface.
“Studies have shown conclusively that fracking can cause serious damage to the pancake, making it inedible,” said Pranesh. “In reality, the best thing we can do is to leave the syrup where it is and look for cleaner, non-sugary substitutes to syrup that won’t cause long-term destruction to our bodies.”
Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews
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