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SPECIAL REPORT: Alternative Energy

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As technology progresses, scientists are continuously finding new ways to power our global civilization. As nations around the world race to be the first in alternative energy, third world countries like the United States remain obstinate against cleaner, cheaper fuel. For this week’s investigative piece, Circus Killer News reports on the negative side non-renewable energy, the negative side of alternative energy, and some of the more cutting-edge energy technologies that might become commonplace in the near future.

Of the non-renewable energy sources that America has used in the past, coal is certainly the most talked about. With President Trump’s promise to get coalmines up and running again, many of America’s whiter and more gullible citizens expect to have their skin stained and their lungs diseased just like the good ol’ days. What many Americans don’t understand, however, is that coalmining stopped because coal is a depleting resource.

“I used to use coal all the time, billions of pieces in one night,” says Kris Kringle, a reclusive toymaker who breaks into people’s homes. “Nowadays there’s just not enough coal left, so I just leave dead batteries for naughty children.”

Oil and natural gas are also popular non-renewable energy sources, but they’re not without their downsides, either. Oil spills can be fatal, costly, and anger Poseidon. Natural gas is highly volatile and is also the name of my cousin’s shitty contemporary rock band.

Considering all environmental, fiscal, and sexual downsides to fossil fuels, why haven’t more Americans made the switch to solar? Truthfully, solar power is not as great as people are led to believe. A home powered by solar energy, for example, cannot be powered at night. Solar energy also drains the sun; scientists believe that if the number of homes and buildings that use solar power remains the same, the sun will be completely used up by the year 2090.

Wind energy also has some worried, as there is evidence to suggest that harvesting the wind might disrupt natural ecosystems and create year-round hurricanes and tornadoes.

So are there any alternative energy sources out there that won’t destroy the environment, empty everyone’s wallets, or be used against mankind in the coming robot apocalypse? Some people across the planet have some pretty creative solutions.

Steve Wessner, from South Dakota, powers his house entirely by applause. Steve has hired a live studio audience to watch his every move, and every time his lights flicker, Steve does something to win over their approval. There’s a woman from Kentucky named Kathy Gergailles who has found a way to power her car with road rage; the angrier she gets, the farther she can travel. And a man from Boston named Blurben Flerbman who has rigged his phone to be powered solely by “dick pics.”

Any of those unorthodox sources of power could be the future of energy in America, but it’s just as likely that in the future there will be no singular uniform way with which Americans power their stuff. As of right now, the future of energy is as much of a mystery as the source of Blurben’s pictures.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Scientists Discover Untapped Syrup Deposit Beneath Bottom Pancake

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A team of geologists made an unexpected discovery today when a large deposit of syrup that has remained completely untouched by human hands was found beneath the bottom pancake in a full stack at IHOP. The discovery was made by a group of USGS scientists.

“We decided to have an early lunch at IHOP,” said geologist Jill Pranesh, “mostly because a recent executive order prevents us from doing any actual work besides locating land for a Trump Monument. None of us were expecting this discovery.”

The scientists admit that they had speculated something liquid was beneath that bottom pancake, however there was no way to know conclusively that that liquid was syrup until a drill team finally cut into it.

A bidding war has already commenced among several parties who want to cut through the pancake entirely and begin using the syrup for consumption since different people have laid claim to the deposit.

“Amanda paid for this stack,” said Pranesh, “however she was only covering for Mike who left his wallet at the office. It’s difficult to say whose property the pancake is, so it’s difficult to say who gets the syrup beneath.”

The discovery has sparked new hope in the USGS scientists who say they will concentrate their efforts on searching for more unknown syrup deposits beneath other pancakes on surrounding tables.

Some controversy erupted, however, when one of the scientists suggested fracking as a means of extracting the syrup more efficiently. This would be done by injecting a mixture of pressurized water and chemicals into the pancake with hopes that the syrup will move closer to the surface.

“Studies have shown conclusively that fracking can cause serious damage to the pancake, making it inedible,” said Pranesh. “In reality, the best thing we can do is to leave the syrup where it is and look for cleaner, non-sugary substitutes to syrup that won’t cause long-term destruction to our bodies.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #06

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 4th, 2068 – NASA Scientist Believes Alien Life Could Be Discovered Any Minute Now

NASA Scientist Jill Forrester announced yesterday that she believes alien life could be discovered “any minute now” during a press conference with a panel of NASA’s top scientists. The search for extraterrestrial life has been part of NASA’s mission for some time now, however it has thus far yielded no results. Forrester assured everyone that the search is definitely nearing an end, and that “there’s gotta be microbes or something on one of these other damn planets, really.”

 

2. August 1st, 2104 – Eating Chocolate in Bed No Longer a Sin, Says Pope

Pope George made an historic announcement yesterday when he decreed that eating chocolate in bed is in fact not a sinful act. Many Catholics around the world were relieved by this news; studies indicate that 7 out of every 10 people who keep a bar of emergency backup chocolate on their nightstand end up devouring it within just 3 days. Numerous members of the Catholic Church have spoken out against Pope George, saying he’s too lenient on the rules and that if people don’t feel guilty over these sorts of things they’ll no longer be pressured into sticking with their beliefs. Since the announcement, the Pope has continuously supported chocolate eaters by citing the newest biblical translation which replaces the word “salvation” with “chocolate.”

 

3. Shmovember 39th, 4681 – Positronic Fuel Rod Prices Hit All Time High

Positronic fuel rod prices shot up to an all time high over the weekend at just over 3.8 million galactic credits for one rod. People across the galaxy have sworn to boycott this increasingly inefficient fuel source and are pleading with the galaxy’s best minds to devise a source of energy that is cheap, renewable and doesn’t switch the polarity of a quantum electrostasis hypersphere engine every time it needs to be replaced. Many Worlders have begun reverting back to the ancient fuel sources of our ancestors like oil, solar, garbage and racism, but none of these things can be mass-produced for the tens of billions who commute to other star systems every day. All are hopeful that a solution can be found before the galaxy’s annual Fleefing.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #01

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 20th, 2091 – Donald Trump Eyeing Lunar Presidency

Trillionaire and former US President Donald Trump hinted at the possibility of running for President of the Moon in the upcoming 2092 election. Although no official announcement has been made, rumors say that the 145-year-old has not kicked the taste for political leadership since he ran the People’s Republic of the United States of America of China in the 2070s. Most political strategists think this to be a premature move, however, as the Moon has yet to be declared its own nation. Trump believes that if this were to happen in his lifetime, his experience running nearly twelve businesses on the Moon, including three casinos, is enough for him to be declared a Lunar citizen, or a “Loony.”

 

2. April 1st, 2087 – Oil Discovered on Mars

This morning, the Indian Space Research Organization discovered naturally occurring petroleum deep beneath the surface of Mars while drilling to record the planet’s subterranean crust composition in the Cydonia region. The news came as a shock to the scientific community since petroleum is formed when decaying organic material is subjected to immense heat and pressure over hundreds of millions of years. This is the first real piece of evidence to suggest that life once existed on Mars at some point and in a large quantity. The ISRO has decided to put its efforts into studying the Cydonia region and invites all other space and extraterrestrial programs to join in.

 

3. April 2nd, 2087 – US Troops to Invade Mars,  Spread Democracy

The United States announced today that it will be sending troops to Mars in an effort to spread democracy. The Press Secretary said in a press release this morning that the barren, lifeless rock of a planet “lacks any real governing body and evidence suggests it’s harboring a slew of terrorist groups, especially the one that just did that attack.” The Press Secretary then revealed in a Reddit AMA that the focus of the incursion will be Mars’ Cydonia region.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Worldwide Soda Shortage Reaches Third Week

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The planet has been in an international soda recession since the start of December, and there seems to be no sign of a turn around. Researchers studying the world’s soda deposits say that humans are using up the substance at a rate that production can’t keep up with.

There is still some speculation in the scientific community as to whether or not “peak soda” has been reached. This term was originally coined in 1956 during another soda shortage, and it refers to the point at which the rate of consumption exceeds the rate of distribution – it is the point when the Earth’s soda deposits begin to dry up permanently.

Despite Coca-Cola and Pepsi Cola’s assurances that we have not reached the point of “peak soda,” pop refineries across the world have been shutting down almost daily. Neither company has released a statement on how greatly the shortage is affecting their respective businesses, but everyone across the world has noticed the price of soda skyrocketing in recent years. In some locations of the country, 16 ounces of pop can cost upwards of $2.50, compared to the mere 5¢ of the early 1950s.

The crisis was magnified last week when a Coca-cola ship crashed and breached, spilling hundreds of thousands of gallons of crude soda into the Gulf of Mexico. Marine biologists are still calculating the damage that this disaster has had on nearby oceanic life, but much of this damage can already be seen. Many fish and crustaceans have been spotted breaking out into zits while a large number of sharks appear to be developing cavities at an alarming rate.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.