SPECIAL REPORT: Procrastination

Procrastination is a lot like getting aroused while eating a hotdog; we experience it a lot, but few of us actually understand why. Procrastination affects nearly 85% of Americans every day, as well as 100% of people currently reading this article. Here is everything you need to know about procrastination.

First, let’s look at the causes. Most people believe that procrastination is caused by laziness, but this is only partly true. Really, procrastination, or the will to not accomplish tasks, is typically caused by a demon named Rauthazon who crawls into your chest cavity while you’re asleep and makes out with your soul. Your soul becomes so enamored with Rauthazon’s expert kissing technique that it can no longer invigorate you, and you lose all willpower.

You can easily spot someone suffering from procrastination by a few signs. Procrastinators are very lethargic, often to the point of endangering human life. Such was the case for pilot Peter Dirkwad, who kept putting off landing his plane.

“As an airline pilot, there are certain expectations of me,” says Peter. “I’m expected to land my aircraft on schedule. But for some reason I was just in one of those moods, man. My copilot, air traffic control, twenty years of experience, everything was telling me that I should have started landing procedure as we approached the airport. I just didn’t feel like it.”

Peter made a miraculous water landing in an Indiana water park when his plane eventually ran out of fuel. Fortunately no one was harmed, but this is just one example of how procrastination can put people in dangerous situations. Some other signs that an individual might be a procrastinator is that they repeatedly miss deadlines, make excuses, or develop bright red lesions on the skin that glow in the dark and taste like cinnamon.

The most effective treatment for procrastination is torture. Doctors recommend that procrastinators find someone they trust to throw dead batteries at them until they accomplish whatever tasks they’re putting off. Another proven method for fighting procrastination is deprivation. A procrastinator will swear off sleep, television, blinking, or other biological necessities until they’ve finished their work. This is the easiest treatment to adopt since it is essentially putting off one’s own needs for another time, which is a form of procrastination in itself.

Of course, preventive measures are always better than treatments. Procrastination can easily be prevented by pathologically weaseling one’s way out of responsibilities, therefore reducing the amount of work that one needs to get done. It can also be prevented by passing off responsibilities to a subordinate, such as a secretary or a trained animal of some kind. Some argue that the best way to prevent procrastination is to finish tasks as soon as possible instead of waiting until the last minute, but those people usually aren’t very cool, so it isn’t worth it.

Humankind will likely be plagued with procrastination until the end of time, which will be in 17 months. I’ll get around to writing a more creative ending later.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

14 Simple Car Maintenance Tips That Anyone Can Follow

Owning a car can be a big responsibility. There are a lot of parts, which means lots of upkeep that can be difficult for people to understand. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to make sure your car is in tip-top shape without needing a degree from any of the big name mechanic colleges. Here are a few of those tips.

 

Your blinkers can freeze up if you use them too much, so only use your turn signals about 20% of the time.

Wiper blades need to be changed every year, and the sharper the blade, the longer they last. You can go up to five years without replacing your wiper blades if you use samurai swords instead.

Make sure you regularly clean out the grill on the front of your car, otherwise any burgers you make on it are going to taste like leaves.

Check the air in your tires every few months. It should only take a couple of puffs from your own lungs to get a flat tire full again.

Always keep a spare tire somewhere. It doesn’t hurt to also keep a spare muffler, a spare battery, spare headlights… in fact, you might just want to tow a spare car around with you.

A car won’t start unless its cup holders are working. Check them as often as you can.

Many modern cars have a backup camera. Be sure to clean this camera whenever it gets dirty so that you can continue spying on all the squirrels in your neighborhood to see what they’re up to.

Be certain that your car’s spaghetti oven is working properly before going on long drives. You don’t want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without access to any spaghetti.

When fueling your car, be sure to spray some gasoline all around the intake to lube everything up before sticking it in.

Keeping a wrench in your car is always helpful because hitting any broken thing with a wrench will almost always fix it.

Make sure you get your oil changed regularly, but only by a licensed doctor. Have a mechanic do the same thing with your car, too.

It’s always good to get your brakes checked whenever you can, but ultimately they’re not important. You’ll get to where you’re going faster if you don’t use the brakes at all.

Be certain that you car has plenty of headlight fluid so that you can make dated references that no one else will get.

If you have a self-driving car, remember to stock up on pillows and blankets to ensure that you have the most restful driving experience possible.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Alternative Energy

As technology progresses, scientists are continuously finding new ways to power our global civilization. As nations around the world race to be the first in alternative energy, third world countries like the United States remain obstinate against cleaner, cheaper fuel. For this week’s investigative piece, Circus Killer News reports on the negative side non-renewable energy, the negative side of alternative energy, and some of the more cutting-edge energy technologies that might become commonplace in the near future.

Of the non-renewable energy sources that America has used in the past, coal is certainly the most talked about. With President Trump’s promise to get coalmines up and running again, many of America’s whiter and more gullible citizens expect to have their skin stained and their lungs diseased just like the good ol’ days. What many Americans don’t understand, however, is that coalmining stopped because coal is a depleting resource.

“I used to use coal all the time, billions of pieces in one night,” says Kris Kringle, a reclusive toymaker who breaks into people’s homes. “Nowadays there’s just not enough coal left, so I just leave dead batteries for naughty children.”

Oil and natural gas are also popular non-renewable energy sources, but they’re not without their downsides, either. Oil spills can be fatal, costly, and anger Poseidon. Natural gas is highly volatile and is also the name of my cousin’s shitty contemporary rock band.

Considering all environmental, fiscal, and sexual downsides to fossil fuels, why haven’t more Americans made the switch to solar? Truthfully, solar power is not as great as people are led to believe. A home powered by solar energy, for example, cannot be powered at night. Solar energy also drains the sun; scientists believe that if the number of homes and buildings that use solar power remains the same, the sun will be completely used up by the year 2090.

Wind energy also has some worried, as there is evidence to suggest that harvesting the wind might disrupt natural ecosystems and create year-round hurricanes and tornadoes.

So are there any alternative energy sources out there that won’t destroy the environment, empty everyone’s wallets, or be used against mankind in the coming robot apocalypse? Some people across the planet have some pretty creative solutions.

Steve Wessner, from South Dakota, powers his house entirely by applause. Steve has hired a live studio audience to watch his every move, and every time his lights flicker, Steve does something to win over their approval. There’s a woman from Kentucky named Kathy Gergailles who has found a way to power her car with road rage; the angrier she gets, the farther she can travel. And a man from Boston named Blurben Flerbman who has rigged his phone to be powered solely by “dick pics.”

Any of those unorthodox sources of power could be the future of energy in America, but it’s just as likely that in the future there will be no singular uniform way with which Americans power their stuff. As of right now, the future of energy is as much of a mystery as the source of Blurben’s pictures.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.