SPECIAL REPORT: Procrastination

Procrastination is a lot like getting aroused while eating a hotdog; we experience it a lot, but few of us actually understand why. Procrastination affects nearly 85% of Americans every day, as well as 100% of people currently reading this article. Here is everything you need to know about procrastination.

First, let’s look at the causes. Most people believe that procrastination is caused by laziness, but this is only partly true. Really, procrastination, or the will to not accomplish tasks, is typically caused by a demon named Rauthazon who crawls into your chest cavity while you’re asleep and makes out with your soul. Your soul becomes so enamored with Rauthazon’s expert kissing technique that it can no longer invigorate you, and you lose all willpower.

You can easily spot someone suffering from procrastination by a few signs. Procrastinators are very lethargic, often to the point of endangering human life. Such was the case for pilot Peter Dirkwad, who kept putting off landing his plane.

“As an airline pilot, there are certain expectations of me,” says Peter. “I’m expected to land my aircraft on schedule. But for some reason I was just in one of those moods, man. My copilot, air traffic control, twenty years of experience, everything was telling me that I should have started landing procedure as we approached the airport. I just didn’t feel like it.”

Peter made a miraculous water landing in an Indiana water park when his plane eventually ran out of fuel. Fortunately no one was harmed, but this is just one example of how procrastination can put people in dangerous situations. Some other signs that an individual might be a procrastinator is that they repeatedly miss deadlines, make excuses, or develop bright red lesions on the skin that glow in the dark and taste like cinnamon.

The most effective treatment for procrastination is torture. Doctors recommend that procrastinators find someone they trust to throw dead batteries at them until they accomplish whatever tasks they’re putting off. Another proven method for fighting procrastination is deprivation. A procrastinator will swear off sleep, television, blinking, or other biological necessities until they’ve finished their work. This is the easiest treatment to adopt since it is essentially putting off one’s own needs for another time, which is a form of procrastination in itself.

Of course, preventive measures are always better than treatments. Procrastination can easily be prevented by pathologically weaseling one’s way out of responsibilities, therefore reducing the amount of work that one needs to get done. It can also be prevented by passing off responsibilities to a subordinate, such as a secretary or a trained animal of some kind. Some argue that the best way to prevent procrastination is to finish tasks as soon as possible instead of waiting until the last minute, but those people usually aren’t very cool, so it isn’t worth it.

Humankind will likely be plagued with procrastination until the end of time, which will be in 17 months. I’ll get around to writing a more creative ending later.

 

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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12 Tips for Flying

Flying is the safest and fastest way to travel,  however it’s also the most stressful.  Getting to your flight and having to deal with the oddities of fellow passengers can be a vexing experience that nobody looks forward to.  If you plan on flying in the future,  refer to these tips for the most relaxing,  stress-free flying experience possible.

 

1. Many believe it is ideal to arrive at the airport 2-3 hours before your flight. This is unnecessary, however, since your flight will probably be delayed by at least 2-3 hours.

2. Airlines no longer serve food so make sure you purchase something in the terminal to eat on the plane. The smell of greasy fast food and $8.00 coffee might agitate your fellow flyers, but that’s their fault for having nostrils.

3. “Stewardess” is no longer a politically correct term and comes across as sexist. The acceptable terms are “air hostess,” “peanut lady,” or “flying beverage wench.”

4. Masturbation does not get you into the “Mile High Club,” it gets you arrested.

5. Turning off your phone is always safer, but leaving it on and texting during take off makes the plane go faster, so you know, whatever.

6. Most flights will let you pay a small fee to watch a film on your headrest monitor, so look forward to that if you’re in one of the three seats on the plane with a working headrest monitor.

7. Make sure to talk to the people sitting next to you to make their flight as bad as yours.

8. Applaud when the plane lands so that everyone knows you’ve never flown before.

9. If you’re a nervous flyer, try periodically screaming in terror as loud as you possibly can in order to calm yourself down.

10. Smoking is not allowed on any aircraft. Cigarettes are fine, though.

11. When you pass through security you will be required to remove your shoes, belt, shirt, hat, pants, socks and anything else you might be wearing, so it’s best to simply arrive at the airport completely nude.

12. Children will annoy everyone so it’s best to check them when you collect your boarding passes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.