Trump Suggests Declaring War On United Kingdom

On the morning of July 4th, 2017, US President Donald Trump made a tweet that seemed to allude to an upcoming war between America and the United Kingdom. The tweet came on the morning of America’s Day of Independence from the UK, and read:

“Still committed to Making America great again, like when we WON against weak low-ratings British. Great moment for US, will happn again!!”

While many Trump fans were quick to defend their lord and savior and pretend the tweet had no malevolent context, members of Trump’s inner-circle have confirmed that the President is looking to start some kind of a war.

“The President has wanted to lead the country through a war for months now,” said a white guy in a suit. “He’s been trying to choose the right country to start a war with ever since he first took office, but he hasn’t found the time to go through all his options due to his busy schedule of playing golf and doing what we tell him to do.”

The spokesman went on to say that the President may have already decided on which country he’ll go to war with, but he isn’t telling anybody.

“We know it’s going to be a country that America has already fought a war against,” continued the spokesman. “This tweet would suggest that England is the biggest contender, but I don’t think he’s ruled out the Germans, the Vietnamese, or the Native Americans.”

President Trump has also suggested in his tweets that he isn’t against using nuclear weapons in a war, tweeting:

“I’m a lot like Pres Harry Thurman b/c I will do whats right to end conflict and daughter Uma almost as hot as Ivanka.”

Americans will have to wait and see if a war between the US and the UK actually breaks out. Circus Killer News tried to send a team “across the pond” to see if the British were at all worried about a war, however the Trump travel ban and information embargo now includes every country in the world.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Guy at Airport Might Be Dennis Quaid

Businessman Philip Durst swears he saw actor Dennis Quaid at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport while returning from a business trip yesterday morning. According to Durst, Quaid was waiting in the same terminal for the same flight before receiving a phone call and leaving.

“I was just sitting there and I swear he looked exactly like Dennis Quaid,” said Durst. “So similar that I don’t see how it couldn’t have been him.”

Durst tried to confirm this with the people sitting around him, but the few people he spoke with had never heard of the actor. Durst wanted to ask more people but had already used the 100 words that the TSA allows passengers to bring past security.

“In hindsight I guess I should’ve just approached the guy,” continued Durst. “I’m sure those Hollywood types get that a lot, though. Probably would’ve annoyed him.”

When Durst told his work friends today, however, they all seemed uninterested, reports say.

“I just think it’s weird,” Durst allegedly told his coworkers, “because I just watched the movie Vantage Point like a week ago. And there he was.”

The story was met with a shrug or dismissive, “oh, cool,” from everyone he told it to. This in contrast to when he posted about it on Facebook, where he received an unprecedented 14 likes for the story.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Flying

Flying is the safest and fastest way to travel,  however it’s also the most stressful.  Getting to your flight and having to deal with the oddities of fellow passengers can be a vexing experience that nobody looks forward to.  If you plan on flying in the future,  refer to these tips for the most relaxing,  stress-free flying experience possible.

 

1. Many believe it is ideal to arrive at the airport 2-3 hours before your flight. This is unnecessary, however, since your flight will probably be delayed by at least 2-3 hours.

2. Airlines no longer serve food so make sure you purchase something in the terminal to eat on the plane. The smell of greasy fast food and $8.00 coffee might agitate your fellow flyers, but that’s their fault for having nostrils.

3. “Stewardess” is no longer a politically correct term and comes across as sexist. The acceptable terms are “air hostess,” “peanut lady,” or “flying beverage wench.”

4. Masturbation does not get you into the “Mile High Club,” it gets you arrested.

5. Turning off your phone is always safer, but leaving it on and texting during take off makes the plane go faster, so you know, whatever.

6. Most flights will let you pay a small fee to watch a film on your headrest monitor, so look forward to that if you’re in one of the three seats on the plane with a working headrest monitor.

7. Make sure to talk to the people sitting next to you to make their flight as bad as yours.

8. Applaud when the plane lands so that everyone knows you’ve never flown before.

9. If you’re a nervous flyer, try periodically screaming in terror as loud as you possibly can in order to calm yourself down.

10. Smoking is not allowed on any aircraft. Cigarettes are fine, though.

11. When you pass through security you will be required to remove your shoes, belt, shirt, hat, pants, socks and anything else you might be wearing, so it’s best to simply arrive at the airport completely nude.

12. Children will annoy everyone so it’s best to check them when you collect your boarding passes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.