SPECIAL REPORT: The Night-Eagle

Sovereign City has been America’s crime-ridden embarrassment for decades. Once a benchmark of metropolitan greatness, the city has devolved into a cesspool of violence and moral destitution. With the local government seemingly unable or uninterested in saving Sovereign City and its people, is there any hope that the city will have its time in the light again? Is there anything that can inspire the citizens of SC to build a better society? Some SC residents say they have found a source of hope and inspiration in their dying city, and that source is the elusive and mysterious vigilante known as “The Night-Eagle.”

The first sighting of this costumed crusader was last November. Rose Carlisle, an elderly woman who has been living in SC her whole life, was walking down a darkened, deserted street one night when she was mugged by an unknown assailant. The assailant took her purse, pushed her to the ground, and said something that was insulting but still age appropriate. Before Rose knew what was happening, a masked man in an eagle suit swooped down and tackled the mugger.

“It was the second most incredible thing I have ever seen,” said Rose. “The first was seeing Muse in concert eight years ago.”

The masked man beat the mugger senseless before returning Rose’s purse to her.

“He was muscular. He had a long beak instead of a mouth and nose, and black bulletproof feathered wings. I thanked him and asked who he was, but he just squawked and flew off into the night.”

Since then, dozens of sightings of the Night-Eagle have cropped up all around Sovereign City. Each sighting took place at night and involved the prevention of a crime.

“I saw him tear into a carjacker,” said Devon Lucas, another witness. “He landed on top of the car and ripped off the roof with these big talons he had, then he pecked at the thief driving it until he crashed.”

Since his appearance, the Night-Eagle has been a major point of controversy in local government. The mayor of Sovereign City officially denounced the Night-Eagle’s actions in a recent press conference.

“He’s a menace to society,” said the mayor, “no different than the criminals he assaults. We don’t need a bird of prey running around with no authority, dealing out justice as he sees fit.” The mayor of Sovereign City has approved a special taskforce to arrest the Night-Eagle, despite the vigilante having the support of many law enforcement officers.

But as with any major issue, the question must be asked… what do wealthy celebrities have to say? Vick Vaughn, a local billionaire playboy and owner/inheritor of Vaughn Inc, the largest corporation in Sovereign City, says the Night-Eagle is a disgrace.

“He hasn’t done any good for this city,” said Vaughn at an annual fundraiser he hosts that raises money to install helicopter pads on yachts. Vaughn has a personal connection to crime because both his parents were murdered in front of him as a child when a moviegoer shot them for loudly talking throughout a showing of “The Angry Birds Movie.”

“If you want to see good being done for this city then just look at me,” continued Vaughn as he scratched at a mysterious injury on his neck. “The Vaughn Foundation raised over 36 million dollars last year to help restore the orphanages that were blown up by the Night-Eagle’s arch-nemesis ‘The Poacher.’ I don’t support the Night-Eagle’s actions and I distance myself from him in every way possible.”

But who is the Night-Eagle beneath the beak? Is he a hero, a criminal, or just a weirdo? Is he like a pride parade in that he’s having a positive effect on the city despite being controversial, or is he more like an erection on an airplane in that he’s doing more harm than good? Do I have time to write a better ending than this?

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Truck Driving Creep Uses Ice Cream To Attract Children

Several families in the town of Redacker, Pennsylvania have expressed concern over sightings of an identified man in a strange-looking truck driving through neighborhoods and attempting to lure children to him. The man blasts creepy nursery rhymes over a speaker system to draw the children in.

“It’s very concerning,” said area mother Miri Virashti. “I always thought this was a safe neighborhood because of all the gun owners in the area, but now I’m not so sure.”

The unknown driver, who was described by eye witnesses as exceedingly unemployable, has adorned the sides of his truck with images of ice cream to attract children. A local auto-mechanic claims that the vehicle’s odd shape indicates that it is refrigerated, which further terrifies local parents.

“What does this strange man want with our kids?” asked Miri. “I mean, you let your mind wander just thinking about it, and it’s sick. He might be trying to make our kids catch a cold or something.”

So far no children have been abducted, but there were a few close calls. Eight year old Becca Wallace says she got close enough to talk to the driver.

“He was nice, he said he would give me ice cream if I gave him three dollars,” says Becca Wallace. “I said ‘no’ because even I know that’s a rip-off.”

There have been reports across the country of similar trucks stalking suburban neighborhoods since the 1950s, but most believe they’re just an urban legend, like Bigfoot or the female orgasm. Tales of the refrigerated truck driver have brought conspiracy theorists to Redacker.

“Some of us say the frozen truck driver is a ghost,” says conspiracy theorist Chuck Balding, who in fact isn’t. “Some say the driver is a serial killer, as was every driver before him, and they’ve been passing down the keys to that truck ever generation. I personally think there’s a network of them, all across the country, coordinating attacks against lactose intolerant kids.”

The mayor of Redacker has issued an official warning stating that anyone playing children’s songs or eating ice cream in public could be subject to an immediate arrest.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to be a part of this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial Living At Home With Parents Hiding Secret Second Family

Thom and Dana Corrigan of Celroy, Massachusetts, were shocked to discover this past Monday that their 24-year-old son Josh had been hiding a secret second family from them for nearly three years. Josh has been living with Thom and Dana since graduating college two years ago.

What surprised Thom and Dana the most, however, is that the family their son was seeing in secret consisted of Josh and a different married couple Thom and Dana’s age. Psychologist Marianna Quinn commented on the matter.

“In most cases of secret families you have a man, typically a man of influence, who falls out of love with his spouse and in love with someone else. Instead of leaving his spouse he starts a new life with his new love, often in a different town and under a different name. And then of course the original spouse finds out she burns down the childhood home of that bitch who ruined her life but makes sure she’s somewhere public when it all goes down so she has a solid alibi… but anyway, the case of Josh Corrigan is different because he didn’t start a new family. He just latched onto a different one.”

Thom and Dana were under the impression that their son Josh had a part time job; he would play video games during the day, and then leave for his job at night. In truth, Josh had no part time job. At night he would instead go to the home of empty nesters Riley and Shauna Levinson and continue playing video games at their house.

“Our son Daniel was in a car accident three years ago,” said Shauna. “One day Josh came to our door and told us that he was Daniel, but that the accident rearranged his face so he looked different now. We had no reason not to believe him.”

In truth, Josh and Daniel had planned this stunt together while the two met as roommates in college. Josh confessed to Daniel that he had no aspirations in life, and Daniel was sick of his parents taking care of him. The two faked a car accident so that Josh could assume Daniel’s sheltered life, and Daniel could move across the country to become more independent.

The two were finally caught when Shauna Levinson caught Josh eating a burger.

“My son Daniel would never eat red meat,” said Shauna. “He’s too afraid of that mad cow disease. I’m not sure what really gave it away, but it was definitely either the burger or the fact that Josh would constantly hit on me.”

Josh has been charged with identify fraud, and Daniel has been charged with aiding and abetting. Their life’s story is currently being adapted into a comedy movie that probably stars Ryan Reynolds and some nerd.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to be a part of this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Scientists Discover Untapped Syrup Deposit Beneath Bottom Pancake

A team of geologists made an unexpected discovery today when a large deposit of syrup that has remained completely untouched by human hands was found beneath the bottom pancake in a full stack at IHOP. The discovery was made by a group of USGS scientists.

“We decided to have an early lunch at IHOP,” said geologist Jill Pranesh, “mostly because a recent executive order prevents us from doing any actual work besides locating land for a Trump Monument. None of us were expecting this discovery.”

The scientists admit that they had speculated something liquid was beneath that bottom pancake, however there was no way to know conclusively that that liquid was syrup until a drill team finally cut into it.

A bidding war has already commenced among several parties who want to cut through the pancake entirely and begin using the syrup for consumption since different people have laid claim to the deposit.

“Amanda paid for this stack,” said Pranesh, “however she was only covering for Mike who left his wallet at the office. It’s difficult to say whose property the pancake is, so it’s difficult to say who gets the syrup beneath.”

The discovery has sparked new hope in the USGS scientists who say they will concentrate their efforts on searching for more unknown syrup deposits beneath other pancakes on surrounding tables.

Some controversy erupted, however, when one of the scientists suggested fracking as a means of extracting the syrup more efficiently. This would be done by injecting a mixture of pressurized water and chemicals into the pancake with hopes that the syrup will move closer to the surface.

“Studies have shown conclusively that fracking can cause serious damage to the pancake, making it inedible,” said Pranesh. “In reality, the best thing we can do is to leave the syrup where it is and look for cleaner, non-sugary substitutes to syrup that won’t cause long-term destruction to our bodies.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Can’t Frequent Parking Garage Without Action Scene Erupting

Businessman D’von Marks was inconvenienced yet again today when a walk to his car through a parking garage turned into an explosive confrontation between two criminal parties.

“I can’t believe this keeps happening to me,” said Marks. “Every goddamn day I just come here to leave work and go home but there’s always some illicit deal going on that turns violent.”

Today Marks witnessed an exchange between a disheveled, classically good-looking man holding a briefcase and a woman wearing a business suit who was accompanied by several silent armed men. Marks comes across an encounter like this almost every day.

“Sometimes both people are holding a briefcase,” said Marks. “Sometimes it’s two men in suits. But there’s always some weird shady deal going on in this parking garage. I don’t know if the police are unaware or they just don’t care. But they should have one patrol car in every parking garage in the city.”

Marks reported the confrontation turned violent when the disheveled man refused to turn over the briefcase until having confirmation that his family was okay. The woman in the suit, however, demanded that the man “hand over the disk.”

“I just tried to ignore them and keep walking,” said Marks, “I tried to get to my car before it turned bad. But ‘hand over the disk?’ I mean, that’s just cliché for the sake of being clichéd. It was a briefcase, not a disk. Unless she was talking about a flash drive in the briefcase, and if so, then just call it a flash drive. Or better yet, use the damn Cloud and you wouldn’t kidnap this guy’s family. Goddamn.”

Eventually shooting erupted as it always does. Marks hid behind an Impala as cars and bullets whizzed by. A few cars exploded.

“I don’t know how I’ve survived all this time,” said Marks, “and I can’t believe my car hasn’t been shot up yet or stolen by the good guy as he attempts to flee the scene empty handed. Maybe I should start parking on the street again and hope that giant monster the government accidentally made doesn’t rampage through the city again.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Set To Put Self On All US Currency

President Donald Trump made waves on both Wall Street and Main Street today when he signed an executive order that nullifies all United States dollar bills that do not bear his image by the year 2020. This act is the first step in guaranteeing that Trump will make good on the promise he made during his campaign to put his face on all American money.

“They’re saying they want Harriet Tubman to replace Michael Jackson on the whatever,” said Trump at a campaign rally in September, “but I will be a much better president than any of them. I talk to the founding fathers all the time, believe me, and they want me to replace them.”

Trump hopes to redesign US currency in other ways, as well, for example replacing the phrase “in God we trust” with either “in Trump we trust,” or, “hail Trump, immortal leader of our America.” Trump also plans to replace the monuments on the back of American currency with images of his own properties.

“We’re not gonna have green money anymore,” said Trump, “because that’s just how these fake environment liars try to get you to believe in their climate talk. It’s disgraceful. We need gold money and I know how to do it because it’ll stop ISIS and coal will be here forever.”

Trump also announced today that the design for his self-financed “Trump Monument” in Washington is being finalized.

“It’ll be just like the Washington Monument,” said Trump, “only it’ll be huge and tremendous and bigger. It’ll satisfy everyone, believe me, you’ll love it.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.