Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Scientists Discover Untapped Syrup Deposit Beneath Bottom Pancake

A team of geologists made an unexpected discovery today when a large deposit of syrup that has remained completely untouched by human hands was found beneath the bottom pancake in a full stack at IHOP. The discovery was made by a group of USGS scientists.

“We decided to have an early lunch at IHOP,” said geologist Jill Pranesh, “mostly because a recent executive order prevents us from doing any actual work besides locating land for a Trump Monument. None of us were expecting this discovery.”

The scientists admit that they had speculated something liquid was beneath that bottom pancake, however there was no way to know conclusively that that liquid was syrup until a drill team finally cut into it.

A bidding war has already commenced among several parties who want to cut through the pancake entirely and begin using the syrup for consumption since different people have laid claim to the deposit.

“Amanda paid for this stack,” said Pranesh, “however she was only covering for Mike who left his wallet at the office. It’s difficult to say whose property the pancake is, so it’s difficult to say who gets the syrup beneath.”

The discovery has sparked new hope in the USGS scientists who say they will concentrate their efforts on searching for more unknown syrup deposits beneath other pancakes on surrounding tables.

Some controversy erupted, however, when one of the scientists suggested fracking as a means of extracting the syrup more efficiently. This would be done by injecting a mixture of pressurized water and chemicals into the pancake with hopes that the syrup will move closer to the surface.

“Studies have shown conclusively that fracking can cause serious damage to the pancake, making it inedible,” said Pranesh. “In reality, the best thing we can do is to leave the syrup where it is and look for cleaner, non-sugary substitutes to syrup that won’t cause long-term destruction to our bodies.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Area Man Can’t Frequent Parking Garage Without Action Scene Erupting

Businessman D’von Marks was inconvenienced yet again today when a walk to his car through a parking garage turned into an explosive confrontation between two criminal parties.

“I can’t believe this keeps happening to me,” said Marks. “Every goddamn day I just come here to leave work and go home but there’s always some illicit deal going on that turns violent.”

Today Marks witnessed an exchange between a disheveled, classically good-looking man holding a briefcase and a woman wearing a business suit who was accompanied by several silent armed men. Marks comes across an encounter like this almost every day.

“Sometimes both people are holding a briefcase,” said Marks. “Sometimes it’s two men in suits. But there’s always some weird shady deal going on in this parking garage. I don’t know if the police are unaware or they just don’t care. But they should have one patrol car in every parking garage in the city.”

Marks reported the confrontation turned violent when the disheveled man refused to turn over the briefcase until having confirmation that his family was okay. The woman in the suit, however, demanded that the man “hand over the disk.”

“I just tried to ignore them and keep walking,” said Marks, “I tried to get to my car before it turned bad. But ‘hand over the disk?’ I mean, that’s just cliché for the sake of being clichéd. It was a briefcase, not a disk. Unless she was talking about a flash drive in the briefcase, and if so, then just call it a flash drive. Or better yet, use the damn Cloud and you wouldn’t kidnap this guy’s family. Goddamn.”

Eventually shooting erupted as it always does. Marks hid behind an Impala as cars and bullets whizzed by. A few cars exploded.

“I don’t know how I’ve survived all this time,” said Marks, “and I can’t believe my car hasn’t been shot up yet or stolen by the good guy as he attempts to flee the scene empty handed. Maybe I should start parking on the street again and hope that giant monster the government accidentally made doesn’t rampage through the city again.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Trump Set To Put Self On All US Currency

President Donald Trump made waves on both Wall Street and Main Street today when he signed an executive order that nullifies all United States dollar bills that do not bear his image by the year 2020. This act is the first step in guaranteeing that Trump will make good on the promise he made during his campaign to put his face on all American money.

“They’re saying they want Harriet Tubman to replace Michael Jackson on the whatever,” said Trump at a campaign rally in September, “but I will be a much better president than any of them. I talk to the founding fathers all the time, believe me, and they want me to replace them.”

Trump hopes to redesign US currency in other ways, as well, for example replacing the phrase “in God we trust” with either “in Trump we trust,” or, “hail Trump, immortal leader of our America.” Trump also plans to replace the monuments on the back of American currency with images of his own properties.

“We’re not gonna have green money anymore,” said Trump, “because that’s just how these fake environment liars try to get you to believe in their climate talk. It’s disgraceful. We need gold money and I know how to do it because it’ll stop ISIS and coal will be here forever.”

Trump also announced today that the design for his self-financed “Trump Monument” in Washington is being finalized.

“It’ll be just like the Washington Monument,” said Trump, “only it’ll be huge and tremendous and bigger. It’ll satisfy everyone, believe me, you’ll love it.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Area Woman Knows This Likely Last Year She Can Get Flu Shot

With healthcare uncertainty around the horizon millions of Americans could soon find themselves uninsured. Vaccinations, booster shots and prescription medications could soon become luxury items.

Some Americans, like Aditya Bhurin of Virginia Falls, Kentucky, are trying to find a bit of light in the coming darkness. Aditya says she’s “making the best” of what might be the last flu shot of her life.

“There’s no reason I can’t make this fun,” said Aditya. “I mean, I know it’s hard to make fun out of anything with needles, unless you’re either in 1970’s New York or a modern day Ivy League school, but I want to make this memorable.”

Aditya entered her local Rite Aid with a GoPro strapped to her head to document the experience for future generations. Other Rite Aid customers noted Aditya’s confidence as she marched to the pharmacy in the back.

“You never see that anymore,” said one customer. “I do all my shopping here ever since being banned from Eckerd for a sex thing, but even there no one’s ever excited to get poked with something.”

Aditya took commemorative selfies with every pharmacist, all of whom were simply relieved to get a brief respite from dealing with downers only here to fill anti-depression prescriptions.

“I’ve injected a lot of things into a lot of people,” said pharmacist David Koh, “but never have I had a patient so thrilled to get deceased microbes administered into their left arm.”

Aditya reportedly convinced a pharmacist to inject her with multiple flu shots for multiple different strains in the hope that this would fend off ailments in the medicine-absent future that America is heading towards.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Scientists Admit Gravity A Hoax

The scientific community was rocked earlier today when an international panel of physicists convened to announce to the world that the theory of gravity is in fact a hoax.

“It’s made up,” said spokeswoman Grabiella Lutiz. “There is nothing real at all about the theory of gravity. It has all been an elaborate conspiracy orchestrated by scientists across the world, which is indeed flat, by the way.”

Gravity has long since been the subject of skepticism from predominantly religious communities, however the theory came under recent attack when it was discovered that Donald Trump, President-elect of the United States and Time Magazine’s “Most Trusted Rich Guy” of 2017, tweeted several years ago that he believed gravity to be a Chinese hoax.

“Gravity was not a brainchild of the Chinese government solely,” said Lutiz, “but is in fact a ruse created and perpetrated by the vast majority of the world’s scientists independent of any government or agency.”

Lutiz went on to describe how Sir Isaac Newton never really existed and that accounts of his life were based on the ancient Polynesian myth of a young man who becomes the smartest person in his village after a coconut falls on his head. All records of Newton’s life were fabricated along with the volumes of evidence and data that have been gathered to support the theory of gravity over the last few centuries.

“Yes, things on this planet fall downwards,” said Lutiz, “And yes, the more mass an object has the greater its pull on other objects. And yes, our fake little theory of gravity would explain exactly how and why these things happen and can also be used to project accurate models of the movements of celestial bodes in the future. But the truth is there is no real scientific evidence to show that if I were to drop this pen it would fall to the ground. And the fact that our models and projections of the future come true every single time is purely a coincidence.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Search for Missing M&M Reaches Third Minute

An M&M was dropped just three minutes ago by divorced scrapbooker Elizabeth Fay. Fay was eating the candy alone in her bed while watching the Food Network when a green M&M missed her mouth and fell to an unknown location.

“Usually when I drop one it’s no big deal. It’ll be on my chest or on the bed next to me, sometimes even the floor. I’ve never gone this long without finding it before.”

Fay’s search initially began with the pat down method, searching for a hard lump between her clothes and her skin. While Fay found a number of lumps in her stomach and breasts, none of them were the missing candy.

“Most of those lumps were inside my body,” said Fay, “which is a disappointment because I thought I may’ve found other candies and treats I lost through the years.”

Fay then checked the bed, the pillow and under the sheets. Still, the candy could not be found. Determined, Fay so much as removed herself from the bed and ran her hands through the sheets.

“That time I did find other food items I’ve lost over the years,” said Fay. “None of them were M&M’s, however, and none of them green. I mean, a lot were green, but none that were supposed to be.”

It was then that Fay got on her hands and knees to inspect the floor around and under the bed. Still, nothing.

“At that moment I began questioning everything I knew about reality,” said Fay. “Did I really drop the M&M? Was it really green? What was I even eating? Was my husband an M&M, is that why he left me?”

Three minutes in and Fay has torn her bedroom apart in search of the missing candy. It seems like a hopeless cause, but then again so does Fay.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.