office

Insecure Coworker Ready For Halloween

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Office manager Wade Mikael of Bedhurst, Delaware, has reportedly spent the day demonstrating to his coworkers that he is already prepared for this year’s Halloween. Wade has been distracting his coworkers by sharing pictures of his decorations and costumes, and expressing his contemptible interest in the child’s holiday.

“I was sitting at my desk, trying to write my T.P.S. report,” says coworker Mandy Hoffe, “when Wade appeared with his iPhone and shows me so many goddamn photos of his house. I mean, yeah, it was impressive how many skeletons and spiders and cutouts he had up, but really, who gives a shit?”

Wade expressed to another coworker, Dawn Somner, that he had purchased eleven different Halloween costumes because he couldn’t decide what he wanted.

“If you’re that into Halloween,” says Dawn, “then you make one homemade costume each year, and that’s it. This is just sad.”

Some of Wade’s coworkers recall that Halloween was a big thing for him and his wife Alice for the last few years, but they split up over the summer. No one in the office is looking forward to Wade’s annual Halloween party at the end of the month.

“It’s going to be the most awkward party I’ve ever been to,” says Dawn. “Well, the most awkward party on land, anyway. I think most of us just aren’t going. There’s only so much sympathy that we as human beings can feign, you know?”

Wade bombarded Greg from accounting with photos of his decorations, stories of where he obtained them and how much they cost, and assurances that this year’s Halloween party is going to be the best one ever. This proved to be the height of the day’s awkwardness, as Wade is still unaware that his wife Alice is currently living with Greg, and that they’ve been lovers for almost a year.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Talkative Workmate Completely Ruining Game of Thrones

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The newest episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones aired last night, becoming the primary conversational subject around the office just like every Monday during the months that new episodes are released. Lately, however, this chatter has started to ruin the show for many longtime Game of Thrones fans in a local Milwaukee office.

Geoffrey Frederman from the human resources department started watching the series when the newest season aired last Sunday without seeing any of the previous four seasons, reports say. Geoffrey has of course become obsessed with the groundbreaking series, however his naïve take on the events depicted in the last two episodes is really starting to ruin things for everybody.

“Man, I didn’t know that attractive guy with the gold hand had three kids with that mean blond lady,” Geoffrey reportedly told several coworkers. “I guess he’s also a horrible person for not raising his kids. Why did they make all the blonds just the worst?”

Everyone in the office who watches the show has decided not to fill Geoffrey on the last four seasons because it would just take way too much time.

“I don’t want to explain why Peter Dinklage is a drunk fugitive or why ‘the hot one with the white hair’ has all these dragons flying about,” said Jan from accounting. “It’s the fifth year of this damn show, he should know this stuff by now.”

Other people in the office have sworn off of the show until they finish reading the books, but Geoffrey was not even aware that a book series existed until last week. Geoffrey has miraculously managed to avoid all spoilers for the entire series, which annoys everyone in the office more.

“Everyone knows what happened to Ned Stark,” continued Jan. “Everyone. People who have never even heard of Sean Bean knows what happened to Ned Stark. Goddammit.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Office Daredevil Wears Jeans to Work

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Dale Costello of Santa Fe, New Mexico, showed up for work wearing jeans today. The stunt shocked Dale’s coworkers, although some say they saw it coming.

“Dale’s really been flaking out recently,” says Patrick Hannedy who works in a cubicle across from Dale. “I’m not sure what’s been going on with him but he’s gonna start seeing some repercussions if he doesn’t get his act together pretty soon.”

Other employees have been watching Dale’s slow downfall into mediocrity closely, noting that this all began some time last month. Dale came into work during casual Friday wearing jeans instead of the preferred and acceptable choice of khakis or dockers. Dale then wore khakis the following Monday, which should have been a normal suit-and-tie day. Dale has devolved back to jeans on normal days, and basketball shorts on casual Fridays.

Unfortunately for his employers, Dale is the best at what he does so firing him isn’t an option. Dale is also something of a loose cannon so reprimanding him wouldn’t accomplish anything. As a result, Dale’s bosses have found a happy medium in which they too wear basketball shorts, but continue to wear a suit and tie above the waist.

Dale’s attitude, meanwhile, continues to be a distraction to his workmates.

“I don’t understand why he can’t just clean himself up every once in a while,” says Debra Fitzgerald, a fellow employee. “His workspace is littered with trash and sometimes he just takes his pants off and hangs them up on a clothes line he brought. Like, for no reason. There’s absolutely no reason to do that. I just don’t understand it.”

Several workplace schlubs have taken after Dale’s example and have begun to show up in inappropriate attire as well. Many hopeful white-collar workers in nearby offices hope that this revolution finds its way into office place norm.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Depressing Man Looking Forward to Daily Ritual of Eating Milky Way Bar During Drive Home

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Donald Murphy, an average office worker, claims that the daily consumption of a Milky Way bar while sitting in gridlock on the way home from work is the one thing that keeps him going throughout the day.

Donald, a 43-year-old balding overweight turtle of a man, says that work is tough for him because he doesn’t get the respect he feels he deserves. Often, for example, Donald will attempt to join a conversation at the water cooler but participants of these conversations will always form a blockade with their bodies, shutting out Donald subconsciously. Coworkers will also gather near Donald’s cubicle mistaking both Donald and his workstation for an empty space, and engage in loud, hardy conversations about sex, drinking, dancing, and other things that make Donald nervous.

This vexes the bumbling, socially anxious Donald for a number of reasons, particularly because he’s the only person in the office who actually does his work. His coworkers spend their office hours talking, flirting and having affairs with each other, and only approach Donald to make him do their work for them.

Donald finds release in his daily Milky Way habit. He finds comfort in some other habits, which include biting his nails, mumbling his words, and not growing a backbone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.