holiday

Insecure Coworker Ready For Halloween

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Office manager Wade Mikael of Bedhurst, Delaware, has reportedly spent the day demonstrating to his coworkers that he is already prepared for this year’s Halloween. Wade has been distracting his coworkers by sharing pictures of his decorations and costumes, and expressing his contemptible interest in the child’s holiday.

“I was sitting at my desk, trying to write my T.P.S. report,” says coworker Mandy Hoffe, “when Wade appeared with his iPhone and shows me so many goddamn photos of his house. I mean, yeah, it was impressive how many skeletons and spiders and cutouts he had up, but really, who gives a shit?”

Wade expressed to another coworker, Dawn Somner, that he had purchased eleven different Halloween costumes because he couldn’t decide what he wanted.

“If you’re that into Halloween,” says Dawn, “then you make one homemade costume each year, and that’s it. This is just sad.”

Some of Wade’s coworkers recall that Halloween was a big thing for him and his wife Alice for the last few years, but they split up over the summer. No one in the office is looking forward to Wade’s annual Halloween party at the end of the month.

“It’s going to be the most awkward party I’ve ever been to,” says Dawn. “Well, the most awkward party on land, anyway. I think most of us just aren’t going. There’s only so much sympathy that we as human beings can feign, you know?”

Wade bombarded Greg from accounting with photos of his decorations, stories of where he obtained them and how much they cost, and assurances that this year’s Halloween party is going to be the best one ever. This proved to be the height of the day’s awkwardness, as Wade is still unaware that his wife Alice is currently living with Greg, and that they’ve been lovers for almost a year.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Community Shaken By Interfaith Nativity Scene

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The community of Red Oak, Alabama has been expressing its outrage over the last few weeks over an interfaith family’s all-inclusive nativity scene, which features figures and scenes from a myriad of different religious beliefs. One woman claimed it was the most disturbing sight she had ever beheld.

“It’s absolutely sickening, and blasphemous,” she said to a reporter as well as every stranger she came into contact with. “It’s an insult to God, and even worse, an insult to me.”

Dozens gather in the street every night to protest the scene by singing hateful Christmas carols and punching anyone who says “happy holidays.”

The hype has gotten a number of local theologians to weigh in on the issue. Greg Whittagan, the head pastor at a nearby church, says that Jesus would also have been offended by the display.

“Jesus’ message was clear,” said Pastor Whittagan, “and that message is that he was the Son of God. Any assertion that that was not true would have certainly upset Christ, and he would have used his heat-vision to destroy those who doubted him.”

The nativity scene itself does include a baby Jesus, but the other figures have been changed. The three wise men have been replaced with Moses, Buddha, and Vishnu. Joseph has been supplanted by Cthulhu, and the Virgin Mary has been swapped out for a statue of Beyoncé.

The family who set up the nativity scene says they are not fazed by the backlash.

“Freedom of religion means freedom of all religions,” said Cathy Vahaswanath, who lives in the home that put up the scene. “These people in my community are going to have to look at Moses and Buddha high-fiving and learn from that.”

The nativity scene can be found on Glennross Road in between the house with the giant cross on the front lawn, and the house that still has its Halloween decorations up.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Trick-or-Treat Safety

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Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!

 

1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.

2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.

3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.

4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.

5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.

6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.

7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.

8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.

9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.

10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.

11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.

12. Just buy candy.

13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Travel Tips for the Holiday

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The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year.  Before you head across the country to spend time with the relatives you never see, take a look at these travel tips to help you get to your destination quickly and safely.

 

Leave about an hour before you think you have to.  This way you’ll only be three hours late.

Surgically enlarge your bladder before departing.

Rest stops will constantly be packed so make sure you bring enough food for the trip, or enough munitions to loot fellow commuters mid transit.

Plan on having your Thanksgiving via Skype if traffic gets too bad.

If you’re flying, purchase three or four backup tickets on other flights for when something goes wrong with the first one.

Make sure to bring fully charged electronic entertainment with you so that if you’re travelling with family you can completely ignore each other easily.

Before leaving, passive-aggressively bring up how weird it is that your family never hosts Thanksgiving at your house.

Try taking out a bank loan to pay for gas.

Keep in mind that complaining about poor drivers will turn them into better drivers.

If you’re planning on going through Buffalo, don’t.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.