Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!
1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.
2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.
3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.
4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.
5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.
6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.
7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.
8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.
9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.
10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.
11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.
12. Just buy candy.
13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.