14 Facts About Sleep You Never Knew

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Unless you’re a Mormon, sleep is something you’ll have to do at some point in your life. Scientists have spent over five years learning everything there is to know about sleep, but there’s still so much to discover. He’s a list of some dreamy facts you can sleep on.

 

1. Eating one solitary grape before bed can cause violent night terrors and intense gastric distress, however eating more than one grape before bed will bring a deep, restful sleep.

2. The term “heavy sleeper” is considered politically incorrect. They prefer the term “sleeper who is weightly challenged.”

3. Sleeping on dirty sheets will give you sex dreams, whereas sleeping on clean sheets will make you dream about going to church.

4. “40 winks” is a term that commonly refers to taking a nap, however the term started as a popular first tactic used by numerous sexual predators.

5. Listening to white noise while falling asleep can erase all your memories from the day before.

6. People who sleep on their right side are more likely to become serial killers.

7. People who sleep on their left side are more likely to be killed in a factory explosion.

8. People who sleep on their backs are more likely to be abducted by aliens in their sleep.

9. People who sleep on their stomachs don’t exist.

10. Every time you lose an hour of sleep, you’re letting the terrorists win.

11. The 19th Century bedtime story “Wynken, Blynken and Nod” actually has nothing to do with sleep. It’s the name of a personal injury law firm in Bedminster, New Jersey.

12. A full night’s rest has the same effect as getting slapped in the face every fifteen minutes throughout the day.

13. Over 90% of conservatives in America report feeling safer sleeping with a gun under their pillow, whereas 90% of liberals in America say they feel safest sleeping with an abortion under their pillow.

14. The Tooth Fairy is real, and she lost all of her teeth to a meth addiction. She steals yours, and then glues them into her mouth until they fall out again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Video Game Violence

As violence increases in America, so has the prevalence of violent video games. When video games first became popular they featured simple, relatable stories such as rescuing your girlfriend from a giant ape or trying to eat ghosts, but modern-day video games put the player in control of morally corrupt characters like professional assassins, habitual drug users, and non-married women. In the video games of the past, players completed objectives and defeated enemies by jumping or running. In the video games of today, players must shoot, stab, punch, steal, and sex their way to victory. Should we be bothered by this trend, and fear the video games of the future? What effect do violent video games have on our children? Have we finally found the perfect scapegoat for shitty parenting?

Many who play video games say there is no evidence to suggest that video games have an effect on their temperament, however some of history’s worst eggs were gamers. Genghis Khan famously loved his Nintendo Game Boy so much that he was buried with it. Lee Harvey Oswald practiced his shooting abilities in “Big Buck Hunter II” before the Kennedy assassination, and there is mounting evidence to suggest that Jack the Ripper had the high score on a local tavern’s arcade version of “Cruis’n Exotica.” Does this mean that all gamers are destined for violence?

“I don’t know if they’re destined for violence, but they’re certainly trained for it,” says former gamer Tyson Rich. Tyson was part of an “esports” team; a group of gamers who compete against other teams for titles, prizes, and the chance to have a girlfriend.

Tyson specialized in a game called “Brothers of Combat IV: Armed Warfare: The Blood Reckoning,” a popular “first-person shooter.” He says his unorthodox training made him into a more violent person.

“Our coach wanted us to be ruthless, to be emotionless gaming machines,” says Tyson. “He had us dress up like our avatars, go out into the wild, and shoot baby animals so that we would learn to never hold back. We had to break bricks with our fingers to learn how to properly use a keyboard or controller. We were forced to drink yellow Powerade because that was one of our sponsors, and yellow’s the worst one. It was torture.”

Clearly video games have a negative effect on competitive players, but how about amateurs? A recent study conducted by the Guild of Outraged Parents found that 97% of young gamers are too antisocial and aren’t going outside often enough.

“When I was my son’s age I spent my afternoons hanging out with the other boys in the neighborhood, playing sports, and actively suppressing my bisexuality,” says area father Dale Brenning. “Now my son spends all day on his computer, chatting with his ‘online friends,’ playing ‘God Knows What,’ which is the name of a video game he plays where you have to find ways to outsmart God. It’s despicable.”

So what’s the solution to the violent video game problem? Who’s to blame when a gamer does something awful? The Guild of Outraged Parents says it’s the fault of the developers.

“I know my child would never hurt another person,” says Margaret Tribene, a member of the GOP. “Whenever my son hits another child or yells at his teacher, video game developers should be punished, not my son. His bad behavior is due to his exposure to video game violence, and his good behavior is due to my parenting.”

The debate over violent video games will likely rage on for generations to come, but most Americans agree that violence in America will not end until the government takes our video games away.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Trick-or-Treat Safety

Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!

 

1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.

2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.

3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.

4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.

5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.

6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.

7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.

8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.

9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.

10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.

11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.

12. Just buy candy.

13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Social Media Site for Psychopaths Goes Viral

A new social media service called “Spatter,” targeted specifically towards psychopaths, rapists and serial killers, went viral shortly after its launch six days ago.

Nicknamed “Facebook for crazies,” Spatter allows sadists and murderers to post pictures and short videos of their latest sick and twisted escapades. The site also contains a “journals” section, where users can describe in detail their latest murder, their plans to commit murder, and everything they’ve learned about their favorite stalking victim.

One reviewer on Yelp called it, “a soulless hive of pure inhuman scum that exemplifies depravity in its truest form and engenders everything our society fights to discontinue,” while another Yelp reviewer said, “finally.”

Social media analysts have attributed the success of Spatter to its attention towards the previously neglected demographic of whack jobs. This was affirmed by Spatter user “BeautifulBlades.”

“It’s magnificent to have a place online where I can meet people with similar interests and share my experiences,” said BeautifulBlades. “When I post pictures on Facebook or Instagram of the messages I carve into shaved animals, I get the feeling like nobody cares. But now, somebody cares. Somebody cares…”

Spatter was created by the same developers behind SlashMeet, a dating app for the same demographic. SlashMeet was designed to allow psychopaths and the criminally insane to find similar people in their area so they could swap stalking victims, trade weapons, or casually hook-up. The app failed, however, since most of the people who downloaded SlashMeet used it to find out who in their local area was a sadistic psycho so they knew who to avoid and/or report to the police.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.