Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”


Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fear Grips Town Following Strange Meteorite Crash

A bizarre meteorite crash occurred last Sunday night just outside of the small, secluded suburb of Pleasant Falls in western Maryland. Since then, some of the townsfolk have been exhibiting abnormal, distant behavior that has put other members of the town in a fearful state.

Many people who witnessed the crash say that the meteor was green and produced a high-pitched metallic whine as it careened over the town and landed in a nearby forest. Eyewitnesses say that the region of the forest where the meteorite landed started glowing green immediately following the crash.

Five denizens of Pleasant Falls reportedly left their homes to investigate the glowing lights and the strange meteorite. No one in the town saw them return, however they were seen around town going about their daily lives the following morning. When asked about their experience, the five people appeared distant and responded incoherently. Many witnesses say that the five were perplexed by ordinary devices such as cars and cell phones; some would wander through the street and forget who they were. No action was taken to assist them.

The following day, two close relatives or friends of each of the five original victims also began exhibiting symptoms of confusion and vapidity. Like the first, the people of the second day began acting abnormally. They showed no emotion, did not make eye contact and dropped contractions when they spoke. Today is the third day in a row and the pattern has continued, spreading now to nearly 30 members of Pleasant Falls.

Fear has gripped the town but the authorities insist that everything is fine. “There is nothing to be concerned about,” said Police Chief Buck Spencer. “After a careful investigation we have concluded that there is nothing abnormal occurring within our town. If you are feeling uneasy or afraid, please visit the forest and you will know what it is like to feel free. Visit the forest and you will no longer be afraid. The answers to all of your questions are available in the forest.”

Police Chief Spencer then left us and stood in a corner to stare at a blank wall for forty-five minutes.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.