Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Part 2 coming next week.

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Retraction of the Story from Yesterday

Yesterday, Circus Killer published a story about a mysterious meteorite crash and the bizarre effects it appears to be having on the nearby populace.

We wish to apologize for publishing that article. The facts turned out to be untrue. There is nothing strange about the meteor that crashed outside of Pleasant Falls, Maryland, and the people of that town have been acting completely normally. There is nothing out of order about Pleasant Falls.

In fact, Pleasant Falls is an excellent little town that I think all of you readers might enjoy. I recommend stopping by some time. You will not regret it. There is much fun to be had at Pleasant Falls.

The people of Pleasant Falls are kind and they will assist you and your every need. You will feel at home at Pleasant Falls. It is a nice town to live in. You should consider moving to Pleasant Falls and becoming one of the hundreds of happy people who live there safely and complacently.

You may be wondering why everyone who has visited Pleasant Falls in the last few days has never returned. This is simply because they have been having too much fun to leave and have made the smart decision to remain in Pleasant Falls for the duration of their lives.

Once you arrive at Pleasant Falls, make sure the forest is the first place you visit. Ask anyone in town, they can show you where the forest is located. The forest is an excellent place to begin your trip to Pleasant Falls. Do not be afraid to be accepted and happy.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fear Grips Town Following Strange Meteorite Crash

A bizarre meteorite crash occurred last Sunday night just outside of the small, secluded suburb of Pleasant Falls in western Maryland. Since then, some of the townsfolk have been exhibiting abnormal, distant behavior that has put other members of the town in a fearful state.

Many people who witnessed the crash say that the meteor was green and produced a high-pitched metallic whine as it careened over the town and landed in a nearby forest. Eyewitnesses say that the region of the forest where the meteorite landed started glowing green immediately following the crash.

Five denizens of Pleasant Falls reportedly left their homes to investigate the glowing lights and the strange meteorite. No one in the town saw them return, however they were seen around town going about their daily lives the following morning. When asked about their experience, the five people appeared distant and responded incoherently. Many witnesses say that the five were perplexed by ordinary devices such as cars and cell phones; some would wander through the street and forget who they were. No action was taken to assist them.

The following day, two close relatives or friends of each of the five original victims also began exhibiting symptoms of confusion and vapidity. Like the first, the people of the second day began acting abnormally. They showed no emotion, did not make eye contact and dropped contractions when they spoke. Today is the third day in a row and the pattern has continued, spreading now to nearly 30 members of Pleasant Falls.

Fear has gripped the town but the authorities insist that everything is fine. “There is nothing to be concerned about,” said Police Chief Buck Spencer. “After a careful investigation we have concluded that there is nothing abnormal occurring within our town. If you are feeling uneasy or afraid, please visit the forest and you will know what it is like to feel free. Visit the forest and you will no longer be afraid. The answers to all of your questions are available in the forest.”

Police Chief Spencer then left us and stood in a corner to stare at a blank wall for forty-five minutes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.