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Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

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A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

circuskiller Factual Friday , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #04

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. February 24th, 2023 – New  “Firearms Freedom Act”  passes in Texas

This morning, Texas became the first state to issue a “Firearms Freedom” law that allows businesses to turn down people who aren’t carrying a weapon. The law has been a major point of controversy within the Lone Star State because a growing number of Texans have been finding it difficult to legally acquire a weapon ever since the new background checks were established two years ago. Desperate Texans have reportedly begun frequenting their favorite stores with swords, knives, bats, axes or anything that could be used as a weapon in hopes that they won’t be refused service.

 

2. February 4th, 2020 – New Mattress Able to Sleep by Itself

The Sealy Mattress Company has developed a mattress that is able to sleep by itself. The new mattress was designed for people who are too busy working, travelling or boning strangers to be able to come home and sleep in their own bed. Users of the mattress can set a timer using a dial to gauge how much and how often the mattress sleeps and whether or not it will experience dreams or nightmares. There are also settings for the mattress to undergo experiences such as insomnia, sleep paralysis and bed-wetting.

 

3. November 6th, 2044 – First Gibbon Elected into US Public Office

Professor Seymour Wiggles, a captivity-born gibbon, made history last night in becoming the first monkey ever to be elected into public office. Professor Wiggles will serve for the next two years as one of Oklahoma’s congressional representatives. Wiggles, a Republican, ran under a platform of strengthening family values, minimizing the government, and starting a nationally recognized “Free Banana Friday.” Many of Wiggles’ supporters felt that it was time for a more intellectual representative of “The Sooner State” to take the political reigns, however few understand that “Professor” is just part of the monkey’s name, not an actual title.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Veteran Smokers Amused by Nonsmoker’s First Attempts

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Veteran smokers are greatly amused by watching nonsmokers try to smoke for the first time, according to a new study.

The study, which was performed over the course of four years at the University of Texas, put groups of smokers in isolated rooms with one or two nonsmokers and studied the smokers’ reactions shortly after introducing the habit to the nonsmokers. In every case, the nonsmokers hacked and coughed when trying cigarettes for the first time, causing the veteran smokers to cackle like hyenas and in some cases make petty insults. Shortly into the experiments, a hypothesis was made.

“It seemed that, in the mind of a smoker, there was nothing more amusing than watching an amateur poorly accomplish a task that they’ve never attempted before,” said lead researcher Dr. Sarah Reymond. “So we decided to take it one step further.”

The researchers then observed the actions of smokers when the nonsmokers attempted to change the oil of a car for the first time. Not surprisingly, the smokers again responded with obnoxious laughter and petty insults. The same results came when the experiment was modified further, having the nonsmokers attempt to discharge a firearm or ride a motorcycle for the first time.

Astonishingly, however, the results were different when groups of nonsmokers were made to observe one or two smokers try to do things they had never done before, such as brushing their teeth or reading a book. The reaction of the nonsmokers in those experiments was characterized as “bored and uninterested.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.