5 Hottest Underwater Hotels

70% of the planet is covered with water, and a whole 15% of that water isn’t filled with garbage. With so many amazing sights beneath the sea, it’s no wonder that underwater hotels have become so popular in the last few years. If you’re looking for a wet hot vacation spot this summer, then check out this guide to the 5 hottest underwater hotels that can be found in the depths of our planet’s oceans.

 

5. The Sand Castle Hotel & Spa
What makes The Sand Castle Hotel unique isn’t its luxury suites or its local underwater nightlife, it’s that the entire structure is made out of sand. Constructed over a period of 35 years by hundreds of mermaid child slaves, this sandy behemoth at the bottom of the sea reminds guests of how good it feels to get sand in every bodily crevasse. All the furniture, the silverware, the artwork, the bedding, all of it is made out of sand. You can do anything you want with the sand in your room, but remember that if you steal any of it then the hotel staff will send a herd of hammerhead sharks after you and they won’t stop coming until one of your hand’s has been fully eaten.

4. Solenaya Trubka
Solenaya Trubka is a themed underwater hotel where guests get to experience what it’s like to be on a soviet submarine at the height of the Cold War. Every night you will be awakened by various alarms that sound at random times. There are no restaurants, no shows, no services of any kind. Your room is just a small metal tube that contains a number of buttons, valves, and switches that no one tells you how to operate. The Trubka does not give out free soaps or bottles of shampoo, but guests are exposed to low levels of nuclear radiation, totally free of charge.

3. Vulcan Suites
This underwater hotel is really nothing to write home about, but it had to be included on the list because it is situated on the rim of an active volcano, which means it literally is the hottest underwater hotel in the world. Customer service is poor, the restaurants are unimpressive, and the furniture will spontaneously melt at times. They also claim to have “free HBO,” but what they don’t tell you is that “HBO” at Vulcan Suites stands for “Hot Body Ointment,” which treats the burns that guests invariably develop on every inch of their skin.

2. Trump Aquatic
Located off the coast of the New Jersey shore, this luxurious underwater hotel and casino used to be on land right on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Shoddy workmanship mixed with years of neglectful maintenance, however, caused the building’s foundation to collapse into the sea, where it now resides. Guests will find everything they’ve come to expect from a Trump hotel, including premium Russian pornography, no fruits or vegetables whatsoever, and copies of “The Art of the Deal” in lieu of hotel bibles that you will be charged for reading even if you just glance at it accidentally.

1. Titanica
Titanica is not only one of the most luxurious hotels that the ocean floor has to offer, but it is also one of the most controversial hotels in the world. Titanica is built inside the remains of the shipwrecked Titanic. Most of the ship was restored for the hotel, but some areas of the famous sunken ocean liner have remained as perfectly preserved as Jack’s corpse, which can be seen on one of the hotel’s guided tours. Though Titanica has received generally positive reviews, some guests have reported finding hundred-year-old body parts floating about their rooms. Additionally, activists have been trying to get the hotel shut down ever since it opened, arguing that a watery graveyard should not be thought of as a tourism spot. Titanica has subsequently been referred to in many publications as “the most offensive underwater hotel in the world,” though many believe that it’s nothing compared to Poseidon’s Autism Holocaust Casino.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.