Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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AMC to Equip Theaters with Electric Helmets that Keep Moviegoers from Using Cell Phones

AMC Theaters announced their plans this morning to install electronic helmets into the seats of every one of their theaters by the end of 2016. The purpose of these helmets is to emit a small electric shock to movie watchers whenever they think about checking their cell phones.

Each helmet contains a series of diodes that measure brainwave activity. The helmet is then hooked up to a small computer on the back of the seat and interprets these brainwaves as thoughts, then makes the decision to zap the moviegoer if those thoughts drift to things like friends and family.

AMC has been testing these helmets since the beginning of January and is working hard to “get rid of the kinks” before 2016, according to AMC spokeswoman Susan Gredenko.

“The purpose, ultimately, is to ensure that our customers are getting the full experience of the films they see,” Gredenko added. “Cell phones are a distraction to themselves and others, and we feel that this is the best way to get rid of that distraction.”

So far the helmets have been malfunctioning at an unacceptable rate. Test subjects have reportedly found it difficult to use their cell phones weeks after using the helmets, so the effects of the helmets appear to be long term. Additionally, the helmets provide a health risk to subjects with cardiac issues, however AMC looks at that positively.

“Another goal with this is to get old people out of our theaters,” said Gredenko. “Old people are our number one demographic, and that holds true for every other major movie theater. By putting old, feeble people at risk, we limit their attendance and hopefully bring a younger, thrill-seeking crowd.”

Other movie theaters have begun to draft similar projects, such as United Artist’s “Needle Machine” which injects viewers with adrenaline every 20 minutes, and Regal’s microwave chair arms that fry cell phones almost instantly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.