Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Celeb Watch #02 – Harrison Ford; Kim Kardashian; Justin Bieber

Welcome to this week’s edition of  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one celebrity gossip blog you’ve never heard of.  Here’s what’s happening this week in the lives of people more important than you:

 

1. Harrison Ford Beaches Submarine

Last week, actor Harrison Ford crashed a small plane on a golf course while flying it recreationally. The star of films such as Star Wars and Blade Runner made a speedy recovery and was released from the hospital a few days later, however early this morning Ford reportedly beached a small one-man submarine on a shore just outside of Los Angeles. Early reports say that the actor will probably be okay, however authorities have begun impounding his vehicles so that he doesn’t wreck anything else when he is released from the hospital. The state of California might suspend his driving license, boating license, piloting license, spaceship license and horse license pending a hearing sometime this month, according to some reports.

 

2. Kim Kardashian Comes Out as Blond

Kim Kardashian shocked some of her fans this week when she revealed that she is actually a blonde. The announcement was made via social media when Kim posted several images of her true self via Instagram. Many of her friends and family say they have always suspected this about Kim but didn’t want to address it until she was comfortable enough to say it first. No word yet on how this might affect her modeling career or acting career or whatever it is that she does exactly, but so far her fans and the blonde community have been nothing but supportive.

 

3. Justin Bieber Publishes Dissertation on Swagger

And lastly for this week, Justin Bieber has published his dissertation on swagger, titled “The Nature of Swag, Girl,” which he wrote to receive his doctorate in music. The young pop sensation has been trying to earn his doctorate from Turnt University for several years now and hopes to become the next big doctor of music since Dr. Dre. Some time this summer, Bieber will have to defend his dissertation in front of a panel of seasoned musicians who include Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, Blake Shelton and Pharrell Williams.

 

That’s it for gossip this week.  Check back this Tuesday for more and every other weekday for other stories.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Family Not Shaken by Father’s Attempts to Flirt with Waitress

The Rosario family of San Fuego, California, was able to enjoy their evening eating out despite family patriarch Warner Rosario’s constant attempts to flirt with the restaurant staff, reports say. The family claims they have grown accustomed to this behavior and that last night’s incidents at “Squinggini’s Italian Grille” occur often.

The night began as expected when Warner spanked the seating hostess on the way to their table. Fortunately she felt nothing; her rear end had become numb while sitting and waiting for diners to arrive since Squinggini’s is such an unpopular place.

“After that we all kind of looked at each other as if to say, ‘oh, it’s gonna be one of those nights,’” said Warner’s 15-year-old son Gabriel. “We know how to handle him when he gets like this. Just ignore him and enjoy your meal.”

The waitress, Becky Miller, did not pick up on Warner’s flirtations for some time after she first showed up to take their orders.

“I guess it’s because he was so old, maybe? Or maybe just because he had his family with him,” said Becky. “I don’t know. Either way I didn’t realize it for a while. And when I did I was just sort of creeped out.”

Francine Rosario, Warner’s wife, apologized to Becky when the meal was over and left a generous tip.

“Nobody takes him seriously so we all sort of don’t care,” said Francine. “It’s just a pain because we have to over-tip every single time we go out.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 14 Worst People of 2014

Many interesting things happened in 2014.  Among them, strangely enough, was a record-high number of terrible people and crappy behavior.  Here is a list of the 14 worst people across the continental United States in the last year:

 

1. Michael Dunlow, a media consultant in New York, who deliberately held the “close doors” button on an elevator as a pregnant coworker approached.

2. Luke Browning, a teenager in Mildred, Vermont, who promised his parents he’d check in while out with his friends but never did.

3. Melissa Perkins who brings all three of her toddlers out to dinner five nights out of the week.

4. Gary L. Araz who is evidently incapable of understanding how to put a toilet seat down.

5. Dana Greene of Garrettsburg, Virginia, who spends more time composing and publishing political messages on Facebook than she does applying to jobs.

6. Sarah Charters of Benford, Illinois, who was spotted doing 40 miles an hour in a 65 zone.

7. Mason Mitchell of the same town, spotted doing 90 in the same zone.

8. K. F. McCormick who refuses to use his first name like a normal person.

9. Marianne Park, a Los Angeles cleaning lady who only moves objects that she’s been explicitly instructed not to touch.

10. Dante Anderson of Redenboro, New Jersey, for bringing up his tattoos an average of 16.8 times per conversation.

11. Mark Baker, a 14-year-old YouTube commenter.

12. Kevin Chen who doesn’t pick up after his dog during walks.

13. Brenda Freeman, a McDonald’s cashier in Curtsdale, Florida, who talks to her coworkers while taking people’s orders.

14. John Mulaney.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Completely Forgot About Christmas Until Just Today

Alan Winter of Santa Carlo, California, is currently having the most comically stressful day of his life as he rushes to ready his home for Christmas. Reportedly, Alan completely forgot about the holiday until just today.

Alan works for an important and generic corporation and is up for a promotion for his dream job, but this means putting in some extra time at the office and neglecting his personal life. It was for this reason that Alan’s longtime girlfriend Mary moved out last month.

Alan missed a phone call from Mary last week because he was preoccupied doing important business things. He remembered to check his voicemail this morning and found that Mary had left a message saying that if Alan were to get his life together by the time she and her family were to visit Alan’s home on Christmas Eve, there was a chance that they could stay together. It was at this moment that Alan realized he had completely forgotten about the holiday.

Alan has been spending the day driving around Santa Carlo looking for Christmas things while trying to conduct his business stuff over the phone. Alan has been stuck with purchasing the crappiest tree, the worst presents, the worst food for Christmas dinner, as well as an assortment of other cliché Christmas catastrophes.

As the day goes on, it is growing increasingly clear to Alan that by the end of the day he will have to make a decision between his loved ones and his career. Can Alan learn the true meaning of Christmas in time for the holiday? Find out when “I Forgot Christmas” hits theaters.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.