celebrities

Celeb Watch #08 – The Olson Twins; John Travolta; Ricky Gervais

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. “Full House” Revival to be Centered Around Neurotic, Damaged Olson Twins

The rumored revival of the hit 1990s sitcom Full House was officially confirmed yesterday, with the show apparently set around the tragic and embarrassing lives of the Olson twins. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson were on the show as toddlers, and upon becoming teenagers started on an infamous downward spiral laced with drugs, alcohol and hurtful jokes on late night comedy shows. The Olson’s played the same character on Full House so it’s unclear how they’ll explain that there’s really two of them. What do you think? Clone, evil twin or shape-shifting goblin?

 

2. John Travolta Admits Belief in Scientology was Just Acting

John Travolta broke his silence yesterday when he admitted that he never actually bought into Scientology, rather he had the entire entertainment world believing that he did in an effort to improve as an actor. This came as a shock to literally no one because cults are dumb. More actors, however, have come forward with similar claims leading many to suspect that Scientology is not a real belief or religion, rather a ridiculous fictional concept devised as a tool for actors to use to hone their skills and push the limits of believability. No word yet from Scientology Pope Julius Cavanaugh, of whom there are no pictures. He has of course been living in a sealed cave beneath the  “Hollywood”  sign for the last 87 years.

 

3. Ricky Gervais Admits that he Turns Into an Animal Every Night

Comedian Ricky Gervais made the shocking announcement that he is in fact a wereperson, or a human being who frequently and often involuntarily transforms into an animal. This information serves to explain the actor’s status as a renowned animal rights activist as well as his recent Twitter argument with hunter Rebecca Francis and her controversial photo in which she poses grinning next to a dead giraffe. Gervais admits he has spent many nights as a giraffe and hopes non-werepeople will soon make a change in their cruel, uncaring attitude towards the peaceful animals with whom they share the Earth.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Join us next Tuesday where we find out how many coins it takes to throw at Sean Penn before he completely loses it.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #07 – Hillary Clinton, Gwyneth Paltrow, Lucille Ball

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Hillary Clinton Announces Plans to Retire as US President

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced on Sunday that she plans on running for the position of United States President during her retirement from public service. Clinton said during the announcement that she is aware that many senior citizens have trouble staying busy during their retirement days, and promised that, if elected, running the country would be more of a side hobby than an actual fulltime job. The Democratic Party will begin vetting the former First Lady later this week and has already begun trying to persuade other politicians to bid for the Democratic ticket, fearing that the only person in their party who appears to be interested in the presidency is a grandmother who hasn’t figured out how emails work.

 

2. Gwyneth Paltrow Splurges on New Food Stamp Diet

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow has been eating better than she has in her entire life by forcing herself to spend no more than $29 a week on food to simulate living on food stamps for Mario Batali’s “Food Bank Challenge.” This has been a huge change for the tiny actress, whose ordinary diet of ice, dried leaves and sugar cubes typically costs her about $12.50 a week. Paltrow commented that cramming an excess 100 calories a day has taken a toll on her health and she can’t believe there are public programs that force people to live this way.

 

3. Mysterious Deaths Escalate Since Installation of Lucille Ball Statue

More unexplained deaths have occurred in Celoron, New York, the site of the controversial bronze Lucille Ball statue that gives the late television star the likeness of a young, demonic Harry James Olmos. Many Celoron citizens have been found dead after being strangled with pearl necklaces and ingesting lethal doses of Vitameatavegamin. So far there has been no real linkage between the deaths and statue, but many citizens have been vocally “Wah!” on the subject.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Check back next Tuesday for an in-depth look at Robert De Niro’s mole.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #06 – Dwayne Johnson; Michael Bay; Chester Cheetah

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Hollywood to Begin Producing More Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnsons

Numerous Hollywood executives have come together in an effort to start manufacturing additional copies of Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnson to be used for various titles across multiple production companies. The first Dwayne Johnson has been a huge success, able to perform spectacularly in comedy roles, action roles and live performances, as well as connect with all age groups and across previously unbroken racial boundaries. No word yet on how duplicates will interfere with the current Dwayne Johnson’s career or if  “The Rock”  will even agree to have himself duplicated, but Hollywood is hopeful since the wrestler-turned-actor has yet to turn down anything.

 

2. Only Four Dead at Michael Bay’s Annual Easter Bash

Only four people died at Hollywood director Michael Bay’s annual Easter celebration this past Sunday, a record low for the event. Every year, Bay hosts an Easter bash at his home inviting all of the children in his neighborhood. The children are then encouraged to play traditional Easter games with a Michael Bay twist, such as painting Easter grenades and playing with a giant anthropological CGI rabbit armed with swords and machine guns. Despite the yearly deaths, injuries and lifetime scarring, Bay is still allowed to make things for children.

 

3. Chester Cheetah Back in Rehab

Cheetos mascot Chester Cheetah was admitted back into a rehabilitation clinic over the weekend for his continued abuse of alcoholic and narcotic substances. Chester has been in an out of rehab since becoming the cheesy snack’s official cartoon spokesperson in 1986, but has reportedly fallen into his worst spiral yet ever since he heard that a sequel was in the works for Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It is unclear as to whether or not Chester will be allowed to resume his post as Cheetos mascot. In the meantime, Cheetos’ parent company Frito-Lay has appointed Tom Selleck as the new Cheetos mascot for his history of being both dangerously hot and dangerously cheesy.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Check back next week for a chance to win a signed patch of Betty White’s skin.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer does not own the character  “Chester Cheetah”  or Cheetos snacks. These are both properties of Cheetos and Frito-Lay.
Circus Killer also does not own Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnson.  This is a property of the greater Hollywood industry.

Celeb Watch #05 – Angelina Jolie; Zayn Malik; Trevor Noah

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Announces Plans to Transfer Mind into Robot Body

Actress Angelina Jolie announced this weekend that she plans on “freeing her mind from the fallible shackles of the human condition” by financing the construction of a robot body that she plans to live out of until the end of time. Jolie recently had a double mastectomy when it was discovered that she carried a gene that would make her susceptible to breast cancer, and announced shortly afterwards that she wanted to undergo an operation to remove her ovaries as well. The actress has apparently decided to take things one step further and simply pay a team of scientists to design and build a mechanized body that would be free from disease and decay, into which her mind and thoughts would be transferred so that she may continue to act and spread humanitarian kindness until the end of time.

 

2. “Directioners” Remove 20% of Limbs in Tribute to Departed Band Member

Fans of the boy band One Direction, who call themselves “Directioners,” have been distraught since last week when band member Zayn Malik announced he was leaving the group. With the band shrinking from five members to four, Directioners across the world have begun an internet campaign in which they post pictures and videos of them severing 20% of their own limbs as tribute to the band’s loss. Many Directioners have been hospitalized or even killed as a result of the campaign, while the rest have gathered to construct a new Zayn out of their disembodied limbs to help cope with the loss.

 

3. Comedy Central Tests Fans’ Advocacy of Racial Acceptance

Finally for this week, Comedy Central announced that comedian Trevor Noah will be replacing John Stewart as host of The Daily Show, reportedly in an effort to call the network’s white fans on their bluff of supporting racial equality. Many white fans of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report didn’t bat an eye when Larry Wilmore was appointed as host of The Nightly Show (which replaced The Colbert Report), however a number of white Comedy Central fans have made passively racist comments on Twitter that aren’t completely offensive but are certainly heading in that direction. Rumor has it that Comedy Central is looking to replace Daniel Tosh as host of his show Tosh.0 with someone like Kevin Hart to see if that will finally push the network’s white fans over the edge.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week for an exclusive interview with the parasite living inside Tara Reid.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #04 – David Hasselhoff; Patrick Warburton; Tom Cruise

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. David Hasselhoff Honored at 2016 Klu Klux Klan Banquet

David Hasselhoff was honored at the Klu Klux Klan’s annual award banquet on Sunday winning the title of “Best Aryan” for the twenty-third consecutive year in a row. Not surprisingly, the acclaimed actor of shows like Knight Rider and Baywatch did not show up at the Chick-fil-a in which the ceremony was held to receive his award, and in fact never has. Hasselhoff stated via Twitter that he has no idea why he is so highly praised in the white supremacist community, and kindly asks that members of the KKK stop leaving bouquet’s of crosses and small animal hides on his property.

 

2. Patrick Warburton’s Voice Charged with Murder

Patrick Warburton’s voice was charged with murder early this morning in what authorities are calling a “saddening display of an abuse of power.” First responders reported that the actor appeared to have used his voice to murder an ex-lover, however new and undisclosed evidence suggests that Warburton’s voice might have been acting alone. It’s possible that Warburton, Warburton’s voice and Warburton’s ex-lover were caught up in some sort of love triangle, however this is purely speculation. The actor and his voice have both been taken into custody.

 

3. Tom Cruise Running for President,  Nation’s Secondhand News Junkies Say

Tom Cruise announced his candidacy for US President in the upcoming 2016 election, according to many Americans who receive their news from gossiping coworkers. The actor apparently thought his experience climbing things and completing impossible missions is enough to make him a major contender as Head of State, thought thousands of Americans after they heard it from a friend. Most of those who actually thought this was true would have welcomed Tom Cruise as the next president, reportedly thinking that a scientologist in the White House would be an accurate representation of the conspiracy theorist nut-jobs who make up the majority of the American public.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week where we’ll reveal which Hollywood actresses are secretly Kabbalah demons.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #03 – Ben Affleck; Tom Hanks; Samuel L. Jackson

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Welcome to  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one source for completely legitimate celebrity news,  updated weekly.  Here’s what’s happening this week to three of your favorite actors:

 

1. Ben Affleck Did Not Attend This Year’s St. Patrick’s Day Celebration

Actor and filmmaker Ben Affleck did not attend today’s St. Patrick’s Day celebration in Boston for the first time in over 15 years, reports say. This has shocked Bostonians because Affleck always plays an integral part of the festivities as the city’s official hero. Every year the actor is paraded through the streets on a giant float and allowed any woman he chooses, but the Oscar winner appears to have intentionally missed this year’s St. Patrick’s Day. Affleck hasn’t given any explanation as to why he decided to skip this year, however it seems Mark Wahlberg has taken Affleck’s place.

 

2. Tom Hanks Most Perfect Human Specimen,  Scientists Say

“Tom Hanks is the most realistic specimen of human perfection,” according to a group of anthropologists who believe their search for the perfect human is finally over. The team has spent nearly two decades studying tens of thousands of people who claim to have reached the pinnacle of biological and psychological human perfection, however all candidates have failed at least one of their tests. Actor Tom Hanks, on the other hand, appears to be the only infallible human being on the planet and has passed every test that would deem him perfect both at a genetic and psychological level. Hanks modestly says he’s just “happy to help” and plans to donate his body to science upon his passing in a few millennia.

 

3. Samuel L. Jackson Officially Not a Big Deal

Actor Samuel L. Jackson is no longer a highly coveted commodity in the movie industry, reports “Interior Hollywood,” a leading film industry online publication. Jackson was once considered a “badass Hollywood legend,” but in the last few years has held too many roles in too many movies to hold the same status he did in the early 2000s, according to the same publication. Celebrity theorists have already begun referring to Jackson as the “Black Nick Cage” and don’t think it will be long until the actor becomes a cheap parody of himself unless he starts saying “no” a little more often.

 

That does it for this week’s celebrity gossip.  Check back next Tuesday for an updated account of important people’s lives.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #02 – Harrison Ford; Kim Kardashian; Justin Bieber

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Welcome to this week’s edition of  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one celebrity gossip blog you’ve never heard of.  Here’s what’s happening this week in the lives of people more important than you:

 

1. Harrison Ford Beaches Submarine

Last week, actor Harrison Ford crashed a small plane on a golf course while flying it recreationally. The star of films such as Star Wars and Blade Runner made a speedy recovery and was released from the hospital a few days later, however early this morning Ford reportedly beached a small one-man submarine on a shore just outside of Los Angeles. Early reports say that the actor will probably be okay, however authorities have begun impounding his vehicles so that he doesn’t wreck anything else when he is released from the hospital. The state of California might suspend his driving license, boating license, piloting license, spaceship license and horse license pending a hearing sometime this month, according to some reports.

 

2. Kim Kardashian Comes Out as Blond

Kim Kardashian shocked some of her fans this week when she revealed that she is actually a blonde. The announcement was made via social media when Kim posted several images of her true self via Instagram. Many of her friends and family say they have always suspected this about Kim but didn’t want to address it until she was comfortable enough to say it first. No word yet on how this might affect her modeling career or acting career or whatever it is that she does exactly, but so far her fans and the blonde community have been nothing but supportive.

 

3. Justin Bieber Publishes Dissertation on Swagger

And lastly for this week, Justin Bieber has published his dissertation on swagger, titled “The Nature of Swag, Girl,” which he wrote to receive his doctorate in music. The young pop sensation has been trying to earn his doctorate from Turnt University for several years now and hopes to become the next big doctor of music since Dr. Dre. Some time this summer, Bieber will have to defend his dissertation in front of a panel of seasoned musicians who include Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, Blake Shelton and Pharrell Williams.

 

That’s it for gossip this week.  Check back this Tuesday for more and every other weekday for other stories.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #01 – Angelina Jolie; Pitbull; Ashton Kutcher

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Welcome to the first edition of Circus Killer News’  “Celeb Watch.”  We always have our eye on the latest celebrity gossip and will be bringing you the inside scoop of the private lives of celebrities every Tuesday.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Adopts Nation of Uganda

Angelina Jolie’s legal acquisition of Uganda and its people were made official today becoming the latest milestone in the actress’s journey to ending all poverty. Jolie announced last May that adopting four children, frequent visits to third world nations and large charitable donations were simply not enough to satisfy her need to end poverty on a personal level, and that adopting the entire nation of Uganda was the next step to achieve this goal. Jolie is currently financing a massive bridge to connect her home in Beverly Hills with her new country for easier access to her 40 million children.

 

2. Pitbull Hires Private Detective to Find Long Lost Hair

Rumor has it that Pitbull, the American rapper, has allegedly hired a private investigator to find out what happened to his hair. Pitbull lost his hair in the early 1990s while touring in Chernobyl and has never been the same without it; many of his songs took a depressing turn directly afterwards. Emotionally he recovered within the last decade but it’s commonly known that the peachy roundness of his head has left an empty hole in his heart that can only be masked with 1960s driving glasses. Pitbull has not yet confirmed whether or not this private investigator story is legitimate, but I think we’re all hoping for a reunion at some point in the near future.

 

3. Ashton Kutcher to Finally Take a Shower

Lastly, Ashton Kutcher announced via Twitter this morning that he is finally going to take a shower. This will be the actor’s first shower in 9 years, according to the same tweet. Kutcher evidently decided not to bathe purely out of laziness, promising himself that he would just do it tomorrow every single day for years. He came out in early 2013 as a clinically diagnosed ablutophobe (one who fears bathing), and has been struggling with his fears ever since. Now it seems he is ready to face those fears and give showering a try.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Come back every Tuesday for the lastest on celebrity gossip!

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.