Area Man Feigns Having Children To Purchase Sugar Cereal Free Of Guilt

Howard Normstrom, a 37-year-old engineer from Plainsfield, Arkansas, was arrested on Tuesday after it was discovered that his children were completely made up.

Howard says he started the ruse when shopping for sugar cereal roughly six years ago. Howard recounts getting looks of disapproval from cashiers and other shoppers whenever he bought himself Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, or Sugar Splosion Balls. One day he casually remarked to a cashier that they were for his children, and to his surprise, the disdainful looks stopped.

“I was sick and tired of people looking at me like I was some kind of child,” says Howard. “I honestly don’t know why I said it. It just slipped out… like the time I called my college girlfriend by her mother’s name during sex.”

Howard found that pretending to have kids had other perks that fit his lifestyle. He could start buying action figures again without people judging him, watch Saturday morning cartoons with the volume all the way up without completely upsetting his neighbors, and order off of the kid’s menu to eat foods that made him feel safe.

In order to keep up appearances, Howard made sure to litter his apartment with toys and decorate it with various stains of unknown origin. He would keep pictures of toddler-aged Olson twins in his wallet as proof that he had children, who no one would recognize since society as a whole has completely forgotten that the Olson twins used to be adorable.

Howard was caught sneaking into a showing of the PG-rated film “Boss Baby” with two stray dogs that he dressed up to look like human children. His fellow moviegoers became suspicious when the dogs gave submissive barks at Alec Baldwin’s dominant, wolf-like voice. Howard will most likely be released since he did not commit any actual crimes other than being a total weirdo.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Celeb Watch #08 – The Olson Twins; John Travolta; Ricky Gervais

Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. “Full House” Revival to be Centered Around Neurotic, Damaged Olson Twins

The rumored revival of the hit 1990s sitcom Full House was officially confirmed yesterday, with the show apparently set around the tragic and embarrassing lives of the Olson twins. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson were on the show as toddlers, and upon becoming teenagers started on an infamous downward spiral laced with drugs, alcohol and hurtful jokes on late night comedy shows. The Olson’s played the same character on Full House so it’s unclear how they’ll explain that there’s really two of them. What do you think? Clone, evil twin or shape-shifting goblin?

 

2. John Travolta Admits Belief in Scientology was Just Acting

John Travolta broke his silence yesterday when he admitted that he never actually bought into Scientology, rather he had the entire entertainment world believing that he did in an effort to improve as an actor. This came as a shock to literally no one because cults are dumb. More actors, however, have come forward with similar claims leading many to suspect that Scientology is not a real belief or religion, rather a ridiculous fictional concept devised as a tool for actors to use to hone their skills and push the limits of believability. No word yet from Scientology Pope Julius Cavanaugh, of whom there are no pictures. He has of course been living in a sealed cave beneath the  “Hollywood”  sign for the last 87 years.

 

3. Ricky Gervais Admits that he Turns Into an Animal Every Night

Comedian Ricky Gervais made the shocking announcement that he is in fact a wereperson, or a human being who frequently and often involuntarily transforms into an animal. This information serves to explain the actor’s status as a renowned animal rights activist as well as his recent Twitter argument with hunter Rebecca Francis and her controversial photo in which she poses grinning next to a dead giraffe. Gervais admits he has spent many nights as a giraffe and hopes non-werepeople will soon make a change in their cruel, uncaring attitude towards the peaceful animals with whom they share the Earth.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Join us next Tuesday where we find out how many coins it takes to throw at Sean Penn before he completely loses it.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.