Month: November 2014

The 15 Best Black Friday Deals of 2014

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Many Americans have been shopping since yesterday afternoon to take advantage of those irresistible Black Friday deals. To make things a little easier, Circus Killer went ahead and found the best savings out there to make your shopping experience as efficient as possible. Here are the 15 best deals we could find.

 

1. Item: Apple iWatch (preorder).
Price: 10% off when trading in $300.00
Available at: The Apple store

2. Item: Summer dresses.
Price: 70% off
Available at: JCPenney

3. Item: Human kidney (2 for 1).
Price: $69.99
Available on: Amazon

4. Item: Cleats for trampling fellow shoppers.
Price: Free
Available at: All Walmart entryways.

5. Item: Leftover turkey.
Price: $16.99
Available at: ShopRite

6. Item: Deepest sinful desires.
Price: Your eternal soul.
Available at: Any demonic summoning.

7. Item: About three dozen diseases.
Price: For leaving your home.
Available at: All shopping malls.

8. Item: Fondle-Me-Freddie™ (with specially included fingly ticklers).
Price: $29.95
Available at: Everywhere toys are sold.

9. Item: Brand new Ford F-150
Price: $40
Available at: Select Midwestern dealerships.

10. Item: Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
Price: $10.99
Available in: 1946

11. Item: Basic Instinct on VHS video.
Price: $0.45
Available at: MovieStop

12. Item: Jar of children’s teeth.
Price: $42.11
Available on: Craigslist

13. Item: Plans to the Death Star.
Price: The lives of countless Bothan spies.
Available on: Yavin IV.

14. Item: Medium-sized Korean family.
Price: $299.99
Available at: Target

15: Item: Good, wholesome Christian values.
Price: Free
Available: Everywhere since the Lord is within all of us.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Wife Officially Closes Down Kitchen Borders

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Tensions reached an all-time high for the Malcolm family this morning when family matriarch Wendy Malcolm closed down all passageways in and out of the kitchen. The move stunned the rest of the Malcolm family, who feel that the unprovoked declaration was unjust and is a step in the wrong direction.

Peace in the Malcolm family seemed reachable earlier this week when everyone gathered to celebrate Thanksgiving, but things began falling apart after passive-aggressive arguments over who would go shopping and small altercations between family members of differing political ideologies. Now, many of the Malcolm’s have lost their faith in a dream of a stress-free Thanksgiving.

“It was preemptive and uncalled for,” said Wendy’s brother-in-law Tobias Malcolm. “I get that it’s her house and I respect that, but she’s going about this the wrong way.”

Wendy soon retracted her declaration and released a revised statement that only women were allowed in the kitchen. This further angered the men of the house who now must operate through their wives, mothers and daughters for access to beer. This, according to Tobias and his fellow men, completely defeats the point of daytime drinking.

Within the last hour, Wendy tacked on a clause stating that men were allowed in the kitchen so long as they promised to help out with the cooking in some fashion. The outrage from the men has since died down.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Idiot Nephew Admits Fondness of Second Star Wars Trilogy

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Eight-year-old Martin Browning reportedly told family members that he actually enjoyed the second Star Wars trilogy after arriving at his aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving yesterday night. The news shocked hosts Lindsey and Paul Lefkowitz who have concluded that their nephew must be a simpleton.

“I can’t believe my own sister would raise her child so misguidedly,” said Lindsey. “The problem has to be with Martin. I remember he’s never been too bright.”

Lindsey was particularly concerned knowing that Martin would be spending a lot of time with her four-year-old son Daniel.

“I won’t have my son playing with him,” Lindsey continued, “until that boy understands the error of his ways and turns from them.”

Paul, meanwhile, blames Martin’s parents for raising him in the wrong environment. “The school they send Martin to doesn’t even teach about the Force,” said Paul. “It’s no wonder the kid’s been led astray.”

Lindsey and Paul have promised each other not to bring it up to Martin or his parents directly, feeling that it’s not their place to say. Instead, the two will meditate on it and hope that Martin finds his path on his own.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Family Just Now Learning Son’s Girlfriend of 3 Months is Black

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The Falkes family of Stone Brook, Indiana, was shocked to discover that son Jason Falkes’ girlfriend is an African American.  The family found out when Jason brought his girlfriend Elana home last night for Thanksgiving.

The family was quick to accept Jason’s girlfriend, only expressing behind closed doors how strange they thought it was for Jason to have never mentioned Elana’s race.  “I’m not saying I have an issue with it,” said Robert Falkes, Jason’s father.  “I just don’t understand why he’s never brought this up before. It’s something I would’ve liked to know.”

Jason and Elana made it home in time for the Falkes family’s weekly “Monday Movie Night,” which was uncomfortable for everyone since the movie they had scheduled was Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.

“I guess I shouldn’t be thinking so much of it,” said Hannah Falkes, Jason’s mother.  “I know we raised Jason not to see color, it’s just not what I was picturing.”

This morning Hannah emailed all who would be joining the Falkes family for Thanksgiving about Elana so that everyone else could have fair warning.  Hannah’s brother Mitch, however, is unreachable since he doesn’t know how to operate a computer, and Mitch is the relative who Hannah is most worried about.  Mitch often spends Thanksgiving complaining about immigrants, President Obama and how it’s unfair that “those people get a whole Friday to themselves.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Relatives Warded Off by News of “Dry Thanksgiving”

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Over half a dozen relatives from the Elkins family changed their Thanksgiving plans when Loraine Elkins, host of this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, announced in a mass email last Friday that there would be no alcohol allowed during the holiday.  The news came as a shock to the rest of the Elkins family since drinking has been described as the family’s pastime.

Donald Elkins, Loraine’s brother-in-law, was upset by the new mandate.  “I don’t know who she thinks she is,” said Donald, “but everyone agrees with me that it’s unacceptable.  Samuel Adams himself used beer to help the Pilgrims bond with the Indians, that’s a fact.  She’s declared a war on Thanksgiving.”

Other family members remain confused about the email, including Loraine’s own husband Rick Elkins.  “I don’t get what’s such a big deal about alcohol,” Rick told us, slurring his words and waving around a pitcher of Jack Daniels at 9:45 in the morning.  “It’s a disgrace to Thanksgiving, it’s a disgrace to America, and also I can’t get it up anymore.”

Also offended was Loraine’s father-in-law, Jed Elkins, who received the email in his hospital room where he was being treated for cirrhosis of the liver.  “This is how it starts,” said Elkins.  “First they take away your booze, then they take away your sports, and before you know it she’s taking your kids.  If ever there was a time to flee, it’s now.”

Loraine Elkins has yet to follow up on her original email, but it seems likely that she will be spending this Thanksgiving alone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Travel Tips for the Holiday

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The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year.  Before you head across the country to spend time with the relatives you never see, take a look at these travel tips to help you get to your destination quickly and safely.

 

Leave about an hour before you think you have to.  This way you’ll only be three hours late.

Surgically enlarge your bladder before departing.

Rest stops will constantly be packed so make sure you bring enough food for the trip, or enough munitions to loot fellow commuters mid transit.

Plan on having your Thanksgiving via Skype if traffic gets too bad.

If you’re flying, purchase three or four backup tickets on other flights for when something goes wrong with the first one.

Make sure to bring fully charged electronic entertainment with you so that if you’re travelling with family you can completely ignore each other easily.

Before leaving, passive-aggressively bring up how weird it is that your family never hosts Thanksgiving at your house.

Try taking out a bank loan to pay for gas.

Keep in mind that complaining about poor drivers will turn them into better drivers.

If you’re planning on going through Buffalo, don’t.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

GOP Funded Study Links Same Sex Marriage to Fire and Brimstone

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A GOP funded study was released yesterday that scientifically analyzes the correlation between the acceptance of same sex marriage and signs of the End Times.  According to the study, the more homosexuality “bleeds” into a society, the further that society and the entire world will descend into the chaos depicted in the Book of Revelations.

“The results [of this study] are clear,” says Republican representative Don Cahill, one of the leading supporters of the bill that redirected NASA’s funds to make way for this research.  “For example, we all know that there are fires in California all the time.  California is full of the gays.  Is that coincidence?  I don’t think so.”

The research was conducted over the past three years by a team of specially selected scientists whose work has been describe by Cahill as “rewriting the book on science,” which he means very literally since they’ve had to change the definition of science in order to pass off their work as such.

“People tell me that societies have gotten along fine with homosexuality,” Cahill continued, “They tell me to look at the Greeks.  Well I have and their economy is somehow worse than our own.  I don’t know what else you people need.”

Many Americans have spoken out against the study, claiming it shouldn’t be taken seriously and is unscientific.  The study’s supporters rebutted by accusing the opposition of being arrogant science-deniers, which everyone in Washington agreed was a pretty interesting change.

No word yet on how this new information might affect the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on same sex marriage, though political analysts are predicting it could somehow lead to a government shut down, which will probably be Obama’s fault.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Rite Aid Announces New Sales Plan to “Just Give Shit Away”

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Rite Aid CEO Gary Badgett announced his bold new sales plan this morning to start giving out everything in his stores for free.

“The truth is,” said Badgett in a press conference, “we don’t want any of this shit and I’m sick of looking at it. Do you really think any of us at Rite Aid need those plastic beach buckets in the mesh nets that we keep in between the sandals and the non-electric toothbrushes? Of course not, it’s the middle of November. So just take the damn stuff.”

Badgett claims he’s been trying to get rid of everything in his pharmacies for several years now, but for some reason people just aren’t taking the bait.

“I was in one of my stores the other day,” Badgett continued, “and saw a book section. Literally a book section. The aisle was labeled ‘historical fiction.’ Things wouldn’t have gotten this way if you people just took my advice from the beginning and cleaned this place out.”

Despite Badgett’s plea, many Rite Aid customers refuse to have any part in the deal. When offered the chance to leave the store without paying for their items, most shrugged off the opportunity, saying, “no thanks, I don’t come here that often anyway.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Artsy Burglar Compelled to Rearrange Unorganized Home

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A family in Washington State was surprised to come home from their Disney Land vacation over the weekend and find their house broken into and de-cluttered. The burglar, Mitchell Mathesen, was caught early this morning and claimed he felt obligated to give the family a home makeover upon seeing the messy state the home was in.

“The feng shui was way off.” Mathesen said in his confession to the police. “I don’t understand how anyone could live like that. How could they possibly entertain guests on good conscience?”

Mathesen had intended to steal jewelry, cash and whatever valuable electronics he could carry. Shortly after breaking into the Walsch’s home, however, he abandoned his original goal and made redecorating his “project of the day.”

The Walsch family, meanwhile, are trying to treat the break-in positively. “I don’t think I like what he did with the furniture arrangement in the living room,” said mother Cheryl Walsch, “but the kids’ bedrooms have never looked nicer. I haven’t seen their clothes folded and put away so neatly in years.”

Mathesen could face up to 8 years in prison for breaking & entering and styling under the influence.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Just Now Taking Down Last Year’s Christmas Decorations

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Richard Murano, a 42-year-old architectural consultant in Harfolk, Delaware, has finally gotten around to removing his Christmas decorations from the previous year.

Richard reports that there were many reasons for the 11-month delay, which was verified by members of the Murano household who often heard Richard remark how it was “too cold out,” or how his “work pants needed to be cleaned first.”

The husband and father of three’s apparent refusal to shed his home of yuletide spirit was met with confusion by his neighbors. Many assumed the Muranos were just more religious than was originally believed, whereas others thought that Richard was confused himself, thinking that Richard believed Christmas lasted 12 months and not 12 days. The rest of the Murano family learned to embrace their new surroundings – this past October they hosted the most holly jolly Halloween party in recorded history.

Richard finally began to dismantle the lights on his house and nativity scene in his front yard over the weekend. He claims to have finally found some time to do so because baseball is over and his boycott of the NFL since the Ray Rice scandal is still going strong.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.