15 Things to Expect in 2015

2014 was an excellent year for news, and we’re predicting that 2015 will be even greater. Using ultra-advanced algorithmic software and a team of highly educated news geniuses, Circus Killer generated this list of what we believe will be the biggest newsworthy events in 2015.

 

1. Flying cars.

2. Congressional gridlock that will somehow be Obama’s fault.

3. Another former high school colleague getting engaged.

4. A new health crazy will take the nation’s moms by storm.

5. Geico to introduce seven more mascots.

6. More cyber terrorist attacks by groups whose names no one will remember.

7. Eyeball piercings to increase in popularity.

8. A new app will emerge that you won’t believe you’ve survived for so long without having.

9. Nation’s sports teams will set aside their differences and put an end to their senseless squabbling.

10. Netflix to continue trying to break record for worst available titles.

11. Another Star Wars movie.

12. A plethora of contrived complaints about the new Star Wars movie.

13. Nation’s dads will attempt to perfect multitasking by groaning and scratching selves simultaneously.

14. The glorious return of Zarodax the Dark One.

15. Circus Killer’s assimilation into the mainstream media and acceptance as a household brand.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Idiot Nephew Admits Fondness of Second Star Wars Trilogy

Eight-year-old Martin Browning reportedly told family members that he actually enjoyed the second Star Wars trilogy after arriving at his aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving yesterday night. The news shocked hosts Lindsey and Paul Lefkowitz who have concluded that their nephew must be a simpleton.

“I can’t believe my own sister would raise her child so misguidedly,” said Lindsey. “The problem has to be with Martin. I remember he’s never been too bright.”

Lindsey was particularly concerned knowing that Martin would be spending a lot of time with her four-year-old son Daniel.

“I won’t have my son playing with him,” Lindsey continued, “until that boy understands the error of his ways and turns from them.”

Paul, meanwhile, blames Martin’s parents for raising him in the wrong environment. “The school they send Martin to doesn’t even teach about the Force,” said Paul. “It’s no wonder the kid’s been led astray.”

Lindsey and Paul have promised each other not to bring it up to Martin or his parents directly, feeling that it’s not their place to say. Instead, the two will meditate on it and hope that Martin finds his path on his own.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.