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9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2018 Season

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Now that autumn is upon us, it’s time for fall television premieres. This season of television promises to be an effective distraction from the existential dread that we all experience every second of every day. Here are the 9 premieres to watch out for.

 

Last Meal – Coming to the Food Network, this high-stakes cooking competition show pits four chefs against each other as they race to complete a death row inmate’s last meal. The chefs only have 30 minutes to get the meal finished and into the inmate’s mouth before the inmate is killed, and if they fail, they take the inmate’s place.

Hat Cop – Put your thinking caps on for this gritty drama coming to CBS about a police detective who always wears hats to cover up the shameful secret of his baldness while he solves a series of hat-related crimes in the windiest city in America.

Parades – This fall, NBC will be debuting “Parades,” which is just reruns of parades from the last several decades in no particular order. Parades is produced by the same team that brought you NBC’s hit reality show, “Barrel Scrapers.”

Stoker Memorial – A bold new hospital drama from the CW where all the doctors are vampires. Each day is a challenge for these supernatural and super attractive medical geniuses as they struggle to not slaughter and eat all of their patients. Stoker Memorial premieres this Wednesday after an all-new episode of Werewolf Virgin.

Top Judges of America – A panel of celebrity judges judges a panel of celebrity judges for the opportunity to be an official celebrity judge on a different celebrity judging show. It’s all the fun of a competition reality show, but without all those un-famous ugly people. Coming to ABC.

Running Thin – This show is coming to YouTube Red, so no one knows anything about it.

House Haunters – This “House Hunters” spinoff from HGTV features young ghost couples looking for the perfect home to haunt. Ghosts cannot be captured on camera, so every episode is just a real estate agent who is also a medium breaking into people’s houses and then having only one side of a conversation. It’s a show that’s sure to open our homes and lift our spirits.

Mystery Mouth – A new Netflix game show where contestants from the audience must solve riddles to figure out what a nervous old man is hiding in his mouth. Is it teeth? Is it the beach? Is it a handgun? Guess correctly and contestants have a chance to win whatever is inside the old man’s mouth.

Trump House – Set in the White House, this reality show coming to Fox will follow the First Family as they outsmart their leftist enemies while making America great again for us all. This is probably the most highly anticipated show of the season ever since a few months ago when Trump himself announced that producing Trump House was the only reason why he ran for the presidency in the first place.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

30 Common Phobias

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Everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s being in the dark, being alone, or being hit on by an octogenarian. There are so many different kinds of fears and phobias that it can be a little difficult to keep track of them all. Here is a list of the thirty most common phobias in the United States.

 

Autoincosophobia – The fear of getting hit by a car while indoors.

Millenophobia – The fear of young people.

Agoraphobia – The fear of Al Gore.

Fakillnesophobia – The fear of gluten.

Americophobia – The fear of getting shot.

Holicrapophobia – The fear that a sinkhole will open up in your bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Commerciophobia – The fear of being unable to skip, mute, or otherwise ignore an advertisement.

Phobophobia – The fear of developing an irrational fear.

Phobophobophobia – The fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Protophobophobophobia – The fear of encountering something that might cause the development of the fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Aloforevophobia – The fear of never landing a second date.

Enbeesiophobia – The fear that your favorite television show will get canceled.

Selleckophobia – The fear of exceptional mustaches.

Coulrophobia – The fear of being cool.

Marmotophobia – The fear of getting trapped in a “Groundhog Day” loop.

Pauppophobia – The fear of making eye contact with a poor person.

Netflexpirophobia – The fear that a movie or show you want to watch on Netflix will expire before you get the chance to watch it.

Ufophobia – The fear of being abducted by aliens.

Claustrophobia – The fear of Santa Claus.

Flatuvatophobia – The fear of farting in an elevator.

Arachnophobia – The fear of Iraq.

Forforforophobia – The fear that Wendy’s will take away their “4 for 4” deal.

Notextophobia – The fear that someone dislikes you because they didn’t promptly text you back.

Movonophobia – The fear that your ex is doing better than you.

Procrastophobia – The fear that you’ve been putting something off for too long.

Digifilinophobia – The fear that your body is a robotic skin-suit that is being controlled by a group of highly intelligent housecats.

Chipotelophobia – The fear of chipotle (the spice, not the restaurant).

Chitolepophobia – The fear of Chipotle (the restaurant, not the spice).

Gamothronesophobia – The fear of nudity.

Drumpfophobia – The fear that you’re about half has intelligent as you think you are, and that everyone is secretly laughing at you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man’s Resume Just List of Shows He’s Watched

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Years into his search for a job, Blaine Eberts has begun submitting resumes to potential employers that are just a complete lists of television shows he has watched or is currently watching. The people who have received his resume are generally split on whether Blaine has simply given up, or if it’s the most genius career tactic ever conceived.

“I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with this,” said the manager of a local grocery that Blaine recently applied to. “I mean, it’s great that he’s fully caught up on Game of Thrones, but I don’t see how that’s supposed to help him stack shelves.”

“See, this is a brilliant move,” said a Human Resources manager at a Bank of America. “By just submitting this list of television programs, he’s telling me that I’m not worth his time and that he thinks he’s above this position. It shows how badly he wants to move straight to the top and makes me want to hire him more because I now crave his respect.”

In fact, it does appear that Blaine spent a lot of time crafting this unconventional resume. Everything is color-coded and listed by genre, and it includes charts and graphs for elements such as average number of laughs per episode, average number of deaths per episode, average percentage of non-white people and average number of appearances by Nick Kroll.

Blaine was not available to comment; he’s been busy ever since M*A*S*H was added to Netflix streaming.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

15 Things to Expect in 2015

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2014 was an excellent year for news, and we’re predicting that 2015 will be even greater. Using ultra-advanced algorithmic software and a team of highly educated news geniuses, Circus Killer generated this list of what we believe will be the biggest newsworthy events in 2015.

 

1. Flying cars.

2. Congressional gridlock that will somehow be Obama’s fault.

3. Another former high school colleague getting engaged.

4. A new health crazy will take the nation’s moms by storm.

5. Geico to introduce seven more mascots.

6. More cyber terrorist attacks by groups whose names no one will remember.

7. Eyeball piercings to increase in popularity.

8. A new app will emerge that you won’t believe you’ve survived for so long without having.

9. Nation’s sports teams will set aside their differences and put an end to their senseless squabbling.

10. Netflix to continue trying to break record for worst available titles.

11. Another Star Wars movie.

12. A plethora of contrived complaints about the new Star Wars movie.

13. Nation’s dads will attempt to perfect multitasking by groaning and scratching selves simultaneously.

14. The glorious return of Zarodax the Dark One.

15. Circus Killer’s assimilation into the mainstream media and acceptance as a household brand.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.