Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Dress Successfully

Hello, I’m John Francais Callahan. My entire life has been one upward journey from the lower-middle class to the top 1%. I got where I am today through hard work, detachment and a series of payoffs. And now I offer my wisdom in this weekly column here on Circus Killer News.

Today I am addressing an issue that has slowly been eating away at our nation’s integrity since the end of the Civil Rights Movement. I’m talking of course about the public dress code, or lack thereof. For decades, men in this country have slowly been easing back on the acceptability of children’s attire. It is now nearly impossible to walk one block without seeing a man wearing a t-shirt they obtained from a rock music concert in 2006, a hat being worn in the wrong direction, and a pair of loose-fitting shorts that were undoubtedly used to mop up cereal at some point. It is shameful to look at and I feel inclined to detail precisely how a man should dress himself if he wishes to be successful.

I should also clarify that this has nothing to do with the Civil Rights Movement and everything to do with Henry Fonda’s failures as a parent.

 

1. Suit. The phrase “a man is only as good as he dresses” is true to a degree. A man is also as good as the car he drives, the homes he owns, the women he’s slept with and the boats he’s taken those women out on shortly before they disappear. The reason why that phrase is true is because all of those things cost money. The more of those things you have, the more value you have as a human being. Ergo, the better the suit, the more valuable the man.

The Italians are good at three things – running small businesses, denying things in a court of law, and making suits. This is why Italian suits are the most expensive and why there is no Italian word for “embezzlement.” All of my suits are imported from Italy and probably cost more than your car. I wear each of them four times before selling them to a company that recycles old suits into coffin lining for dead Fortune 500 CEOs. This is the goal you want to work towards.

 

2. Necktie. A man’s tie represents his manhood. Your tie needs to be full, appropriately colored and made out of the same silk as Lou Dobbs’ hair. The only traditionally accepted colors are red, blue and occasionally black if you have a serious engagement to attend to, such as a horse’s funeral or a Bar Mitzvah. Every other color of tie is reserved for homosexuals; you are allowed to wear them but not too often as it might become offensive.

 

3. Hat. At no point is wearing a hat ever acceptable. If the Bible has taught us anything it’s that God intended white men to rule the Earth and that hair is directly related to power. By covering your hair with a hat, you are telling your opponents (which are every man that isn’t you) that you are cowardly and unsure of yourself. Hats and the newly formed “Hat Acceptance” movement are a leading cause of the destruction of traditional, American values.

Additionally, if you’re bald, there’s no hope for you.

 

That is all for this week’s edition of  “How to Succeed.”  I will be back next week with instructions on how to live your life better than however you are living it now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.