30 Common Phobias

Everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s being in the dark, being alone, or being hit on by an octogenarian. There are so many different kinds of fears and phobias that it can be a little difficult to keep track of them all. Here is a list of the thirty most common phobias in the United States.

 

Autoincosophobia – The fear of getting hit by a car while indoors.

Millenophobia – The fear of young people.

Agoraphobia – The fear of Al Gore.

Fakillnesophobia – The fear of gluten.

Americophobia – The fear of getting shot.

Holicrapophobia – The fear that a sinkhole will open up in your bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Commerciophobia – The fear of being unable to skip, mute, or otherwise ignore an advertisement.

Phobophobia – The fear of developing an irrational fear.

Phobophobophobia – The fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Protophobophobophobia – The fear of encountering something that might cause the development of the fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Aloforevophobia – The fear of never landing a second date.

Enbeesiophobia – The fear that your favorite television show will get canceled.

Selleckophobia – The fear of exceptional mustaches.

Coulrophobia – The fear of being cool.

Marmotophobia – The fear of getting trapped in a “Groundhog Day” loop.

Pauppophobia – The fear of making eye contact with a poor person.

Netflexpirophobia – The fear that a movie or show you want to watch on Netflix will expire before you get the chance to watch it.

Ufophobia – The fear of being abducted by aliens.

Claustrophobia – The fear of Santa Claus.

Flatuvatophobia – The fear of farting in an elevator.

Arachnophobia – The fear of Iraq.

Forforforophobia – The fear that Wendy’s will take away their “4 for 4” deal.

Notextophobia – The fear that someone dislikes you because they didn’t promptly text you back.

Movonophobia – The fear that your ex is doing better than you.

Procrastophobia – The fear that you’ve been putting something off for too long.

Digifilinophobia – The fear that your body is a robotic skin-suit that is being controlled by a group of highly intelligent housecats.

Chipotelophobia – The fear of chipotle (the spice, not the restaurant).

Chitolepophobia – The fear of Chipotle (the restaurant, not the spice).

Gamothronesophobia – The fear of nudity.

Drumpfophobia – The fear that you’re about half has intelligent as you think you are, and that everyone is secretly laughing at you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Fast Food

Fast food has become an integral part of American culture. It is estimated that each year, the average American eats nearly 63,000 pounds of fast food, spends $14,000 at fast food restaurants, and spends a total of 56 minutes masturbating in a Taco Bell drive-thru. With fast food being such an important piece of the American lifestyle, is it possible that what your roommate’s super bitchy girlfriend says about the health risks is true? Could fast food be a negative influence on the United States, and if so, is there a solution to the problem, and can we get that solution in a large?

It’s no secret that fast food restaurants are the preferred dining destination of the acne-stricken, the morbidly obese, and the nearly diabetic, but is there any evidence to suggest a linkage between fast food and unhealthy bodies? Circus Killer News spoke with Dr. Audris Flayheardt, a freelance nutritionist hired by numerous fast food companies to conduct health investigations. He has been hired by nearly every fast food chain with the exception of Wendy’s.

“I’ve devoted my life to studying the nutritional value of fast food, and I can tell you, it’s perfectly safe, perfectly healthy,” said Dr. Flayheardt surrounded by recently purchased burgers, chicken, and fries that he assured us he intended to eat as soon as we left. “You walk into any fast food restaurant, you order anything on the menu, and what you get will be good for you. Your body needs it, your bones need it, your children need it. It’s all good. The only case where this isn’t true is Wendy’s.”

So if the food isn’t harmful, then what’s the issue? Alleya Hernandez, founder and leader of a national anti-fast food organization called “No Try’s With That,” explained her side to us.

“I didn’t know the risks when I started giving my family fast food,” said Alleya, “Now my one son has no teeth because the acidity from the soda dissolved them. My other son is an addict and has to work at the Burger King to pay off his debt to them. And my daughter was mugged in the parking lot of a totally different Burger King. That’s why my organization boycotts fast food.”

Alleya then spent the next forty minutes trying to explain the name of her organization; something about how it’s supposed to make fun of a common fast food phrase, but instead it’s saying, “you can’t try to force your food on us,” or something. It sounds like she’s not a very creative person and just went with the first idea that came to her.

On the other side of the spectrum are fast food connoisseurs, which despite how they sound are not a type of dinosaur. These are people who travel to different towns, different states, even different countries, all to experience the joy of fast food everywhere they can. They rate different locations, swap fan theories, and perform ritualistic sacrifices in fast food restaurant bathrooms. We wanted an interview with Jim Cormers, famed for visiting more McDonald’s locations than any other person in history, but sadly Jim was lost to heart disease three months ago. He was cremated and had his ashes scattered over a McDonald’s flat top grill in New Jersey.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

KFC First to Hire Onsite Paramedics

Since the release of the “KFC Double Down” in 2010, KFC has been under careful scrutiny by the FDA over the increase of strokes, heart attacks and brain damage that have occurred inside KFC restaurants. As a solution, the restaurant chain became the first in history to staff one paramedic in every establishment to revive customers when their bodies succumb to the food so that they may continue eating.

The plan was implemented last November and has been working well so far, prompting many KFC establishments to boast an “Over 9,000 Revived” slogan near their entrances. Additionally, the FDA is satisfied with the plan and has begun backing off of KFC.

Other fast food chains have taken note of the strategy and have begun hiring their own onsite paramedics in an effort to court the health-conscientious consumer. Wendy’s, for example, is now giving free physicals with the purchase of 900 calories or more.

There are some fast food purists, however, who think the new medically integrated fast food chains are getting out of hand. Chipotle, for example, has been receiving negative attention for the installation of electronic toilets that look for diseases in customers’ stools. Also facing harsh media criticism is McDonald’s new “child greasing” stations that force large children to strip down and be lathered in oil so they don’t get stuck in plastic tubes and slides in the child’s play area.

Chick-fil-a’s mandatory blood tests have also been criticized once it was discovered that the company had been keeping track of HIV positive consumers and banning them from all Chick-fil-a restaurants for “sodomy and indecency” instead of simply checking for diabetes like the company said it would.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Favorite Restaurant Chains

Every business has a few secrets they don’t want you to find out, but we at the Circus Killer News investigative team know how to take out our truth-shovels and start diggin’. Here’s what we discovered about some of the most popular restaurant chains:

 

Chipotle uses expired meat to give you just the right amount of upset stomach.

Contrary to popular belief, there are no Popeye’s restaurants in Louisiana.

Wendy’s only hires redheads.

Upon his father’s death, Sherman Muldoon inherited the world’s largest breadstick quarry. He started Olive Garden as a means of emptying it.

All Chick-fil-a chickens are baptized before being slaughtered.

Ruth’s Chris Steak House offers a menu of only human meat starting at $35,000 per plate.

IHOP was founded by Apple.

Every creature in the lobster tank at Red Lobster is sentient.

KFC still uses slave labor; all of their food is made in overseas sweatshops by indentured workers.

Half of the money Froyo makes goes to anti-LGBTQ activists.

In-N-Out Burger secretly makes their burgers side-to-side.

Originally, the slogan McDonald’s used was “I’m accepting it.”

Abraham Joules was sitting under an apple tree and thinking about how to make bars lamer and more family friendly when an apple fell on his head as a bee stung him at the same time. This inspired him to create Applebee’s.

There is a Terracotta warrior guarding every P.F. Chang’s.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.