KFC First to Hire Onsite Paramedics

Since the release of the “KFC Double Down” in 2010, KFC has been under careful scrutiny by the FDA over the increase of strokes, heart attacks and brain damage that have occurred inside KFC restaurants. As a solution, the restaurant chain became the first in history to staff one paramedic in every establishment to revive customers when their bodies succumb to the food so that they may continue eating.

The plan was implemented last November and has been working well so far, prompting many KFC establishments to boast an “Over 9,000 Revived” slogan near their entrances. Additionally, the FDA is satisfied with the plan and has begun backing off of KFC.

Other fast food chains have taken note of the strategy and have begun hiring their own onsite paramedics in an effort to court the health-conscientious consumer. Wendy’s, for example, is now giving free physicals with the purchase of 900 calories or more.

There are some fast food purists, however, who think the new medically integrated fast food chains are getting out of hand. Chipotle, for example, has been receiving negative attention for the installation of electronic toilets that look for diseases in customers’ stools. Also facing harsh media criticism is McDonald’s new “child greasing” stations that force large children to strip down and be lathered in oil so they don’t get stuck in plastic tubes and slides in the child’s play area.

Chick-fil-a’s mandatory blood tests have also been criticized once it was discovered that the company had been keeping track of HIV positive consumers and banning them from all Chick-fil-a restaurants for “sodomy and indecency” instead of simply checking for diabetes like the company said it would.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Favorite Restaurant Chains

Every business has a few secrets they don’t want you to find out, but we at the Circus Killer News investigative team know how to take out our truth-shovels and start diggin’. Here’s what we discovered about some of the most popular restaurant chains:

 

Chipotle uses expired meat to give you just the right amount of upset stomach.

Contrary to popular belief, there are no Popeye’s restaurants in Louisiana.

Wendy’s only hires redheads.

Upon his father’s death, Sherman Muldoon inherited the world’s largest breadstick quarry. He started Olive Garden as a means of emptying it.

All Chick-fil-a chickens are baptized before being slaughtered.

Ruth’s Chris Steak House offers a menu of only human meat starting at $35,000 per plate.

IHOP was founded by Apple.

Every creature in the lobster tank at Red Lobster is sentient.

KFC still uses slave labor; all of their food is made in overseas sweatshops by indentured workers.

Half of the money Froyo makes goes to anti-LGBTQ activists.

In-N-Out Burger secretly makes their burgers side-to-side.

Originally, the slogan McDonald’s used was “I’m accepting it.”

Abraham Joules was sitting under an apple tree and thinking about how to make bars lamer and more family friendly when an apple fell on his head as a bee stung him at the same time. This inspired him to create Applebee’s.

There is a Terracotta warrior guarding every P.F. Chang’s.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.