Grown Man Struggles to Put On Coat Inside Car

Salesman Arthur Donahue was the focal point of an emergency situation yesterday in Coldwater, Nebraska when he became trapped inside his car after entangling himself within his raincoat.

Arthur was parked in a Chick-fil-a parking lot where he had driven to get lunch. Arthur decided to put on his raincoat before exiting the vehicle to avoid getting wet.

“That’s really where he made his first mistake,” said first responder Officer Dale Gamble. “Well I mean really his first mistake was going to Chick-fil-a for lunch. Fast food’s bad for you. But the decision to exist the vehicle is ultimately what got him into this mess.”

Scattered witnesses reported seeing Arthur wobbling back and forth in his car with his arms contorted behind, around and over his body, but nobody thought Arthur was in any serious trouble. It was hours before someone recognized that the oaf needed assistance.

“I saw him there when I went for lunch,” said Peggy Mulroney, the woman who eventually called the authorities. “Then I returned to the restaurant for dinner and I remembered him from a few hours ago. He was screaming for help… I guess everyone thought he was toddler like all of the other people who scream from being in a car in a Chick-fil-a parking lot for over 30 minutes.”

Emergency services were called and Arthur was rescued when fireman managed to remove the driver’s side door. Arthur spent the night in the hospital but was released early this morning with no signs of permanent injury. Seth Rogan will probably star in a movie about him.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The Bizarre Truth Behind 12 Famous Company Mascots

Company mascots are always fun and engaging but sometimes they’re not as lighthearted as we think.  Here are 12 of the most famous company mascots and the strange truth behind their past and/or creation:


The Geico gecko has an anthropology degree from Oxford University.  He only started acting to help feed a drug addiction that he has since kicked.

The M&M’s company holds the world record for the “Most Racially Diverse Mascot Spokespeople Who Are Also Edible.”

Ronald McDonald is the product of a botched sex change operation.

The little girl on Coppertone sunscreen products grew up to be a stripper.

In the late 1960s, Aunt Jemima was a high-ranking member of the Black Panthers.

Mr. Clean is only 24 years old.  He only looks like a cartoonish old man after being exposed to low levels of radiation while growing up near Chernobyl.

The Pillsbury Doughboy shares an ancestor with Ted Bundy.

Allstate’s Dennis Haysbert was conceived in 2004 and later animated by the same people who created Pepsi’s Brittany Spears.

The red liquid inside the Kool-Aid man isn’t Kool-Aid, it’s human blood.

Tony the Tiger is a former Black Water mercenary with a confirmed 56 kills under his belt.

Chester Cheetah, also known as “The Cheetos Guy,” has never eaten a single Cheeto. He’s allergic to both danger and extremeness.

In the early 1950s,  a young man was abducted while wondering down an empty road at night after having just fought with his parents.  The young man’s abductor was an insane and disgraced surgeon who took the adolescent to an abandoned warehouse where he liked to perform sick experiments on animals and unsuspecting vagrants.  That night,  the surgeon completed one of his experiments that until then had failed dozens of times;  he removed the young man’s brain and successfully placed it within the body of a cow.  The young man then managed to break free and kill the surgeon but was trapped inside of a cow’s body.  After years,  the young man accepted his fate but sought vengeance further.  Two years later,  he opened the first “Chick-fil-a” restaurant,  for that evil,  insane surgeon that had ruined his life and turned him into a freak forever…  was a chicken.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd |
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Favorite Restaurant Chains

Every business has a few secrets they don’t want you to find out, but we at the Circus Killer News investigative team know how to take out our truth-shovels and start diggin’. Here’s what we discovered about some of the most popular restaurant chains:


Chipotle uses expired meat to give you just the right amount of upset stomach.

Contrary to popular belief, there are no Popeye’s restaurants in Louisiana.

Wendy’s only hires redheads.

Upon his father’s death, Sherman Muldoon inherited the world’s largest breadstick quarry. He started Olive Garden as a means of emptying it.

All Chick-fil-a chickens are baptized before being slaughtered.

Ruth’s Chris Steak House offers a menu of only human meat starting at $35,000 per plate.

IHOP was founded by Apple.

Every creature in the lobster tank at Red Lobster is sentient.

KFC still uses slave labor; all of their food is made in overseas sweatshops by indentured workers.

Half of the money Froyo makes goes to anti-LGBTQ activists.

In-N-Out Burger secretly makes their burgers side-to-side.

Originally, the slogan McDonald’s used was “I’m accepting it.”

Abraham Joules was sitting under an apple tree and thinking about how to make bars lamer and more family friendly when an apple fell on his head as a bee stung him at the same time. This inspired him to create Applebee’s.

There is a Terracotta warrior guarding every P.F. Chang’s.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd |
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.