Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future, every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet. Here are this week’s stories:
1. June 13th, 2066 – Report: 60% of New Jersey Population Now Spray-Tan Grease Monsters
A recent survey of the population of New Jersey shows that 60% of all residents statewide have permanently morphed into toned, gelatinous grease monsters comprised of an unknown compound that forms after spray-tan chemicals, hoagies and creatine become situated in an organic being for too long. The grease beings have reportedly taken up residence along New Jersey’s beaches where they ritually lift weights, give each other tattoos and make big deals out of small disagreements over food and former sexual partners. Mostly the grease monsters just want to be left alone, however some occasionally leave the beaches in search of high paying corporate jobs for which they have no experience.
2. January 15th, 2022 – “Deep Fried” Now FDA Approved Food Group
Worldwide controversy erupted yesterday morning after the FDA made “deep fried” an official food group and declared fried foods an “integral and irreplaceable portion of the healthy American diet.” The FDA advises Americans to consume 15-26 servings of fried foods daily, deciding to incorporate the food pyramid as one half of a newly formed “food parallelogram.” The other half of this new shape is simply an equally large triangle labeled “deep fried.” Shockingly, the majority of American diets have remained the same despite the change, the only significant change in American lives was a nationally felt reduction in guilt.
3. November 4th, 3477 – Growing Number of Lunar Colonists Believe Humans Never Landed on Earth
A longtime conspiracy theory is finally gaining traction within the Lunar Cities as many Loony’s admit they don’t believe humans ever landed on the Earth. Many of them make the claim that all the photos, videos and broadcasts that allegedly originated from Earth have been doctored and that the entire history of humanity’s existence on the planet was fabricated to help win the Terra Scare between the now broken up Confederate of Orbital Satellites and the New Lunar Republic. These theorists also question why no Lunar City has attempted to get to Earth after the first few missions decades ago and that Scuzz Albright, a member of the first crew that allegedly returned to Earth after it was abandoned, is a puppet of the Vuvalrian brain parasite that attempted to enslave the human species on three separate occasions.
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Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.