News From the Future #07

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 15th, 2662 – Solar Fracking May Cause Instability Within Sun, New Study Suggests

The Solar Protective Energy Committee of Terra Relations released a report on Tuesday that suggests solar fracking might be dangerous to the sun. Solar fracking became prominent when it was clear that the sun was not putting out enough energy to keep up with human consumption ever since “solar power” became the most widely used method of acquiring energy once fossil fuels ran out centuries ago. Solar fracking is the process by which chemicals are drilled into the sun’s core to increase the rate of nuclear fusion, thereby producing more sunlight. According to the report, solar fracking could potentially create worse solar storms and deadly amounts of radiation, but that sounds like a problem for the future, so whatever.

 

2. February 4th, 2104 – Baseball Seasons Now to Last 55 Weeks

MLB president James L. Haywood announced today that every season of baseball would be extended by four weeks, bringing the total number of weeks up to 55. Haywood said each new season of baseball would begin approximately three weeks before the previous season ends, so there will be a short overlap between the end of the previous season and the start of a new one. This is of course how the seasons will be from now on without playoffs. The playoff season will continue to last three years like it does currently.

 

3. August 17th, 59,971 – Racial Unrest Persists in America

Racial unrest continues to ravage the United States, despite it now being nearly 60,000 years since slavery was abolished. Occupational analysts have noticed a sharp uptick in professional rioters in the last few years, most likely due to the recent acceptance of Fandallarians as a race capable of acquiring a US citizenship. Many professional rioters and peaceful protestors alike have been in the business for generations, so the protesting industry has been as much a part of American heritage as tobacco pie (which of course replaced apple pie when apples went extinct some 40,000 years ago).

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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News from the Future #06

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 4th, 2068 – NASA Scientist Believes Alien Life Could Be Discovered Any Minute Now

NASA Scientist Jill Forrester announced yesterday that she believes alien life could be discovered “any minute now” during a press conference with a panel of NASA’s top scientists. The search for extraterrestrial life has been part of NASA’s mission for some time now, however it has thus far yielded no results. Forrester assured everyone that the search is definitely nearing an end, and that “there’s gotta be microbes or something on one of these other damn planets, really.”

 

2. August 1st, 2104 – Eating Chocolate in Bed No Longer a Sin, Says Pope

Pope George made an historic announcement yesterday when he decreed that eating chocolate in bed is in fact not a sinful act. Many Catholics around the world were relieved by this news; studies indicate that 7 out of every 10 people who keep a bar of emergency backup chocolate on their nightstand end up devouring it within just 3 days. Numerous members of the Catholic Church have spoken out against Pope George, saying he’s too lenient on the rules and that if people don’t feel guilty over these sorts of things they’ll no longer be pressured into sticking with their beliefs. Since the announcement, the Pope has continuously supported chocolate eaters by citing the newest biblical translation which replaces the word “salvation” with “chocolate.”

 

3. Shmovember 39th, 4681 – Positronic Fuel Rod Prices Hit All Time High

Positronic fuel rod prices shot up to an all time high over the weekend at just over 3.8 million galactic credits for one rod. People across the galaxy have sworn to boycott this increasingly inefficient fuel source and are pleading with the galaxy’s best minds to devise a source of energy that is cheap, renewable and doesn’t switch the polarity of a quantum electrostasis hypersphere engine every time it needs to be replaced. Many Worlders have begun reverting back to the ancient fuel sources of our ancestors like oil, solar, garbage and racism, but none of these things can be mass-produced for the tens of billions who commute to other star systems every day. All are hopeful that a solution can be found before the galaxy’s annual Fleefing.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #05

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 12th, 2019 – Zombies March in Livingston in Protest of New Mississippi Law

Four hours ago, a horde of zombies began marching through the streets of Livingston, Mississippi, in protest of the state’s new “Armed Survivors” law that allows civilians to shoot any living dead they come across. Since their initial rise eight months ago, the nation’s zombies have been constantly threatened, hunted and denied the rights of living citizens. The protest appears to be a bad move on the part of the zombies as dozens of civilians and armed service people alike have met at the site of the protest to begin picking off the horde of the restless one by one. Still, many are saying that this might become the longest protest in history because in the last four hours the zombies have only made it five feet.

 

2. January 27th, 2036 – Global Rise in Sea Levels Must Mean Second Biblical Flood, America’s Leaders Say

Sea levels around the world have risen an average of 40 feet in the last 20 years, causing many US public officials to declare that a second biblical flood is upon us. Several representatives of Congress agree that recent trends such as the acceptance of homosexuality, “allowing more Hispanics in politics,” and jean shorts, have angered God enough to send another flood to Earth and cleanse the world of such sins. Congress recently approved the construction of an ark massive enough to hold half of the nation’s congressman, along with their families, mistresses and top three favorite lobbyists, to be finished in exactly five years.

 

3. January 28th, 2041 – US Government Sees Most Productive Day in US History

It was confirmed at 7:30pm EST tonight that the US government held its most productive day in the history of the nation, with congress passing more laws and writing more bills today than have been passed or written in the last five years. With the vast majority of the country’s senior elected officials refusing to run in the previous election and choosing instead to wait aboard a massive $56 billion wooden ship, America’s new, youngest-ever batch of congressmen and women managed to cut the deficit in half, create 6 million more jobs and start a series of environmental programs which scientists estimate will normalize the planet’s climate and recede the world’s sea levels by 2044, most of whom while wearing stylish new jean shorts from today’s hottest gay Hispanic designers.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #04

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. February 24th, 2023 – New  “Firearms Freedom Act”  passes in Texas

This morning, Texas became the first state to issue a “Firearms Freedom” law that allows businesses to turn down people who aren’t carrying a weapon. The law has been a major point of controversy within the Lone Star State because a growing number of Texans have been finding it difficult to legally acquire a weapon ever since the new background checks were established two years ago. Desperate Texans have reportedly begun frequenting their favorite stores with swords, knives, bats, axes or anything that could be used as a weapon in hopes that they won’t be refused service.

 

2. February 4th, 2020 – New Mattress Able to Sleep by Itself

The Sealy Mattress Company has developed a mattress that is able to sleep by itself. The new mattress was designed for people who are too busy working, travelling or boning strangers to be able to come home and sleep in their own bed. Users of the mattress can set a timer using a dial to gauge how much and how often the mattress sleeps and whether or not it will experience dreams or nightmares. There are also settings for the mattress to undergo experiences such as insomnia, sleep paralysis and bed-wetting.

 

3. November 6th, 2044 – First Gibbon Elected into US Public Office

Professor Seymour Wiggles, a captivity-born gibbon, made history last night in becoming the first monkey ever to be elected into public office. Professor Wiggles will serve for the next two years as one of Oklahoma’s congressional representatives. Wiggles, a Republican, ran under a platform of strengthening family values, minimizing the government, and starting a nationally recognized “Free Banana Friday.” Many of Wiggles’ supporters felt that it was time for a more intellectual representative of “The Sooner State” to take the political reigns, however few understand that “Professor” is just part of the monkey’s name, not an actual title.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #03

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. June 13th, 2066 – Report: 60% of New Jersey Population Now Spray-Tan Grease Monsters

A recent survey of the population of New Jersey shows that 60% of all residents statewide have permanently morphed into toned, gelatinous grease monsters comprised of an unknown compound that forms after spray-tan chemicals, hoagies and creatine become situated in an organic being for too long. The grease beings have reportedly taken up residence along New Jersey’s beaches where they ritually lift weights, give each other tattoos and make big deals out of small disagreements over food and former sexual partners. Mostly the grease monsters just want to be left alone, however some occasionally leave the beaches in search of high paying corporate jobs for which they have no experience.

 

2. January 15th, 2022 – “Deep Fried” Now FDA Approved Food Group

Worldwide controversy erupted yesterday morning after the FDA made “deep fried” an official food group and declared fried foods an “integral and irreplaceable portion of the healthy American diet.” The FDA advises Americans to consume 15-26 servings of fried foods daily, deciding to incorporate the food pyramid as one half of a newly formed “food parallelogram.” The other half of this new shape is simply an equally large triangle labeled “deep fried.” Shockingly, the majority of American diets have remained the same despite the change, the only significant change in American lives was a nationally felt reduction in guilt.

 

3. November 4th, 3477 – Growing Number of Lunar Colonists Believe Humans Never Landed on Earth

A longtime conspiracy theory is finally gaining traction within the Lunar Cities as many Loony’s admit they don’t believe humans ever landed on the Earth. Many of them make the claim that all the photos, videos and broadcasts that allegedly originated from Earth have been doctored and that the entire history of humanity’s existence on the planet was fabricated to help win the Terra Scare between the now broken up Confederate of Orbital Satellites and the New Lunar Republic. These theorists also question why no Lunar City has attempted to get to Earth after the first few missions decades ago and that Scuzz Albright, a member of the first crew that allegedly returned to Earth after it was abandoned, is a puppet of the Vuvalrian brain parasite that attempted to enslave the human species on three separate occasions.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #02

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 23rd, 2028 – Google’s Hostile Takeover of Planet Earth Goes Off Without Hitch

Google’s hostile takeover of the entire planet officially ended last week in what experts are saying is the most successful and efficient business transaction in the whole of human history. This according to a board of business analysts, all of whom are of course now owned by Google along with the rest of the world. Many view the move was inevitable since Google took over the food industry in 2021 with the invention of Google Water, followed by its monopoly on the both the energy and medical industry after the success of Google Oil and Google Compliancy, respectively. Additionally, saying the word “Google” 10 times within one piece of written text awards any person 1 day’s extra Google Rations. Google.

 

2. October 11th, 2078 – Medicinal LSD Now Legal in 14 States

This morning, Delaware became the 14th US state to legalize LSD, a powerful and potentially harmful hallucinogen, for medicinal purposes to be prescribed by a doctor. Controversy over the drug’s legality spurred when a study released nearly 30 years ago revealed that LSD can help fight cancer, stop the progression of dementia and combat severe boredom. Drug experts believe that LSD’s growing acceptance is premature since the long-term effects of the hallucinogen have not yet been properly studied. This according to a group of flying purple horses that melted through my bedroom wall playing Paul Simon’s greatest hits on lyres.

 

3. November 6th, 2312 – First Half-Hispanic Transgendered Cyborg Woman with One Mole on her Face Elected as US President

Last night’s election results are in and it appears that Penelope Matrix Ortega will be taking office as the first half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg woman with one mole on her face this January. This is a huge victory for the half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg women with one mole on their faces community and a large step in the right direction for ethnic, gender, mechanized, sexual, and singular blemish equality. This was also one of the closest elections in the last 40 years with Ortega just beating her opponent Slurge Dirkman by two points. Slurge would’ve been the second space slug to be elected president in US history.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #01

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 20th, 2091 – Donald Trump Eyeing Lunar Presidency

Trillionaire and former US President Donald Trump hinted at the possibility of running for President of the Moon in the upcoming 2092 election. Although no official announcement has been made, rumors say that the 145-year-old has not kicked the taste for political leadership since he ran the People’s Republic of the United States of America of China in the 2070s. Most political strategists think this to be a premature move, however, as the Moon has yet to be declared its own nation. Trump believes that if this were to happen in his lifetime, his experience running nearly twelve businesses on the Moon, including three casinos, is enough for him to be declared a Lunar citizen, or a “Loony.”

 

2. April 1st, 2087 – Oil Discovered on Mars

This morning, the Indian Space Research Organization discovered naturally occurring petroleum deep beneath the surface of Mars while drilling to record the planet’s subterranean crust composition in the Cydonia region. The news came as a shock to the scientific community since petroleum is formed when decaying organic material is subjected to immense heat and pressure over hundreds of millions of years. This is the first real piece of evidence to suggest that life once existed on Mars at some point and in a large quantity. The ISRO has decided to put its efforts into studying the Cydonia region and invites all other space and extraterrestrial programs to join in.

 

3. April 2nd, 2087 – US Troops to Invade Mars,  Spread Democracy

The United States announced today that it will be sending troops to Mars in an effort to spread democracy. The Press Secretary said in a press release this morning that the barren, lifeless rock of a planet “lacks any real governing body and evidence suggests it’s harboring a slew of terrorist groups, especially the one that just did that attack.” The Press Secretary then revealed in a Reddit AMA that the focus of the incursion will be Mars’ Cydonia region.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.