President Trump Battles Oncoming Asteroid

Hours ago, NASA confirmed that an asteroid the size of North Dakota is on a collision course with Earth. Experts are saying that the object will make impact with our planet in twenty-six days unless the world’s brightest and bravest can figure out a way to change the asteroid’s trajectory, or find a way to break it up into smaller, more manageable fragments.

President Trump has been crucial in strategizing America’s asteroid defense initiative. The President first proposed building a wall around the planet that Mexico would pay for, but experts are saying that they won’t be able to get it up in time. Trump then suggested giving the asteroid hush money to make it go away, but the President’s bribery fund has run dry due to his marital failings. Next the President suggested throwing paper towels at the asteroid, but astronomers believe that this would only make the asteroid angrier. Still, President Trump is determined to save his country.

Trump has been tweeting insulting things about the asteroid in an heroic attempt to demoralize it, but so far his tweets have not fazed the space rock, which makes this the first time that the President’s tweets have had no destructive effects.

Scattered reports suggest that NASA is working on a top-secret program called “Project Orange,” which will corrupt the object’s integrity from within. If the rumors about Project Orange are to be believed, then NASA will soon lure President Trump into a space shuttle by loading it up with things he loves – such as Oreo’s and pictures of white people – and then blast the President into space and instruct him to manage the asteroid like one of his casinos.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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News from the Future #06

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 4th, 2068 – NASA Scientist Believes Alien Life Could Be Discovered Any Minute Now

NASA Scientist Jill Forrester announced yesterday that she believes alien life could be discovered “any minute now” during a press conference with a panel of NASA’s top scientists. The search for extraterrestrial life has been part of NASA’s mission for some time now, however it has thus far yielded no results. Forrester assured everyone that the search is definitely nearing an end, and that “there’s gotta be microbes or something on one of these other damn planets, really.”

 

2. August 1st, 2104 – Eating Chocolate in Bed No Longer a Sin, Says Pope

Pope George made an historic announcement yesterday when he decreed that eating chocolate in bed is in fact not a sinful act. Many Catholics around the world were relieved by this news; studies indicate that 7 out of every 10 people who keep a bar of emergency backup chocolate on their nightstand end up devouring it within just 3 days. Numerous members of the Catholic Church have spoken out against Pope George, saying he’s too lenient on the rules and that if people don’t feel guilty over these sorts of things they’ll no longer be pressured into sticking with their beliefs. Since the announcement, the Pope has continuously supported chocolate eaters by citing the newest biblical translation which replaces the word “salvation” with “chocolate.”

 

3. Shmovember 39th, 4681 – Positronic Fuel Rod Prices Hit All Time High

Positronic fuel rod prices shot up to an all time high over the weekend at just over 3.8 million galactic credits for one rod. People across the galaxy have sworn to boycott this increasingly inefficient fuel source and are pleading with the galaxy’s best minds to devise a source of energy that is cheap, renewable and doesn’t switch the polarity of a quantum electrostasis hypersphere engine every time it needs to be replaced. Many Worlders have begun reverting back to the ancient fuel sources of our ancestors like oil, solar, garbage and racism, but none of these things can be mass-produced for the tens of billions who commute to other star systems every day. All are hopeful that a solution can be found before the galaxy’s annual Fleefing.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Former NASA Analyst Claims to Have Seen Intelligent Life on Earth

Deb Burns, a retired geologist and extraterrestrial topography expert, has come forward with claims that she observed intelligent life on the planet Earth during her time working with NASA in the 1970s. Burns claims she witnessed these intelligent beings using their vastly superior knowledge to put other beings on the Moon, as well as use advanced technological devices to probe other regions of the solar system.

“I know it sounds insane,” said Burns, “but I know what I saw. There were teams of men and women using their minds to discover, explore and learn about the world around them. And all of this was happening on Earth.”

Burns says she saw this intelligence a number of times while studying photographs of Mars sent back from the Mariner 9 space probe, as well as images of Venus sent back from Mariner 10.

Other scientists have come forward with similar claims that seem to verify Burns’ statements. According to Hank Buckman, a physicist who helped design some of NASA’s probes, there was an “organization of intelligent minds” existing on Earth as late as the 1990s, which he says he witnessed despite having never worked directly with Burns.

NASA hasn’t yet commented on the matter and the US government has refused to release photos of Earth that might verify the claims. Conspiracy theorists across the nation, however, have become fascinated with the idea.

“Well yeah, of course there’s intelligent life on Earth,” says author and conspiracy theorist Woody Fairbrother who has written books about beings from Earth landing on the Moon. “I’m not sure what happened to it but I know for certain it was there.”

Earth’s apparent lack of intelligence now is an obstacle that many conspiracy theorists like Fairbrother struggle with, but Fairbrother and Burns herself haven’t lost hope.

“Maybe someday it’ll resurface,” Burns said. “I hope it does. Earth is facing a lot of global crises right now and the intervention of intelligent beings would go a long way.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.