Trump

President Trump Battles Oncoming Asteroid

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Hours ago, NASA confirmed that an asteroid the size of North Dakota is on a collision course with Earth. Experts are saying that the object will make impact with our planet in twenty-six days unless the world’s brightest and bravest can figure out a way to change the asteroid’s trajectory, or find a way to break it up into smaller, more manageable fragments.

President Trump has been crucial in strategizing America’s asteroid defense initiative. The President first proposed building a wall around the planet that Mexico would pay for, but experts are saying that they won’t be able to get it up in time. Trump then suggested giving the asteroid hush money to make it go away, but the President’s bribery fund has run dry due to his marital failings. Next the President suggested throwing paper towels at the asteroid, but astronomers believe that this would only make the asteroid angrier. Still, President Trump is determined to save his country.

Trump has been tweeting insulting things about the asteroid in an heroic attempt to demoralize it, but so far his tweets have not fazed the space rock, which makes this the first time that the President’s tweets have had no destructive effects.

Scattered reports suggest that NASA is working on a top-secret program called “Project Orange,” which will corrupt the object’s integrity from within. If the rumors about Project Orange are to be believed, then NASA will soon lure President Trump into a space shuttle by loading it up with things he loves – such as Oreo’s and pictures of white people – and then blast the President into space and instruct him to manage the asteroid like one of his casinos.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Lizard Men Unsettled By State Of U.S. Politics

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Recent reports indicate that the secret society of lizard men who have been guiding American government and culture since the country’s inception have finally returned to Earth after being on vacation since 2015. The Reptilians left for their homeworld, Planet X, shortly before Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the presidency, and are shocked by how their project has deteriorated in the last three and a half years.

“Everything was going fine,” said Xylluriax, a lieutenant in the Nibiru Invasion Agency. “Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how humans are able to fuck things up so much in such a small amount of time.”

The NIA has been infiltrating the United States government and orchestrating world events to slowly eradicate humankind and replace it with a crossbreed of human and Reptilian creatures that will rule the Earth. It’s a highly delicate plan with no room for error, but after centuries, the lizard men needed a break.

“We put it all in the hands of Zandorrah,” continued Xylluriax, “who in the past had proven to be an excellent shapeshifter and slummus trankulator, but not a very likable person. Zandorrah had been impersonating a human for decades, and served as the U.S. Secretary of State under President Obama from 2009 to 2013.”

Zandorrah was meant to become President after Barrack Obama. Under Zandorrah’s rule, Americans were to be given free healthcare so that a mutation formula could be administered to the entire population through mandatory vaccinations. Zandorrah convinced the other Reptilians that he could accomplish this on his own, and that the rest of them deserved a relaxing break. Somehow, Zandorrah let the election slip away from him.

“Now we’re back,” said Xyllurian, “and all of our focus is on restoring Reptilian power and undoing all the damage done by the unevolved primates currently in control of Washington. Our plans should be up and running again after the 2020 election, but we’re making a strong push to get things back this November.”

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Quizzed On American Facts

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Last week, a photograph of President Trump coloring a blue stripe on the American flag raised questions about how much the President knows about the country he leads. Over the next few days, a rogue group of White House staffers began secretly testing the President on American history and geography. Circus Killer News got an exclusive look at these tests.

“We figured out that the best way to test him without his knowledge was to make a game out of it,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We usually give him a blank paper placemat and crayons with the ten McDonald’s Happy Meals that he gets for dinner each night, but he always plays with the toys. This time, printed out a placemat of our own. We got him to use it by removing the toys inside each of his Happy Meals, and telling him that Hillary Clinton stole them.”

The placemat had a blank map of the United States, images of famous landmarks, and some basic trivia questions. On the US map, Trump was asked to draw in the state borders and label each state. Trump’s doodlings produced only 36 states, and he was able to identify only 15 of them. Many of the states that the President could not name were labeled as “the one where they all love me.”

The President then had to write out the significance of a handful of historic US landmarks. He said that the Statue of Liberty “was put there by the feminists who hate me because they are ugly.” He said of Mount Rushmore, “it honors presidents who made money and are on the money, and I have more money than they ever did.” His comments on the Washington Monument are too vulgar to publish.

Lastly, President Trump had to answer a few simple questions about the founding of the United States. His scribblings were hardly legible, but from what the staffers could make out, Trump seems to think that America was founded 2018 years ago, that Abraham Lincoln was the first president, and that the colonists gained their independence from Mexico.

The White House staffers who designed the test have not begun using the results to change anything, but they have begun drinking heavily.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2018 Season

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Now that autumn is upon us, it’s time for fall television premieres. This season of television promises to be an effective distraction from the existential dread that we all experience every second of every day. Here are the 9 premieres to watch out for.

 

Last Meal – Coming to the Food Network, this high-stakes cooking competition show pits four chefs against each other as they race to complete a death row inmate’s last meal. The chefs only have 30 minutes to get the meal finished and into the inmate’s mouth before the inmate is killed, and if they fail, they take the inmate’s place.

Hat Cop – Put your thinking caps on for this gritty drama coming to CBS about a police detective who always wears hats to cover up the shameful secret of his baldness while he solves a series of hat-related crimes in the windiest city in America.

Parades – This fall, NBC will be debuting “Parades,” which is just reruns of parades from the last several decades in no particular order. Parades is produced by the same team that brought you NBC’s hit reality show, “Barrel Scrapers.”

Stoker Memorial – A bold new hospital drama from the CW where all the doctors are vampires. Each day is a challenge for these supernatural and super attractive medical geniuses as they struggle to not slaughter and eat all of their patients. Stoker Memorial premieres this Wednesday after an all-new episode of Werewolf Virgin.

Top Judges of America – A panel of celebrity judges judges a panel of celebrity judges for the opportunity to be an official celebrity judge on a different celebrity judging show. It’s all the fun of a competition reality show, but without all those un-famous ugly people. Coming to ABC.

Running Thin – This show is coming to YouTube Red, so no one knows anything about it.

House Haunters – This “House Hunters” spinoff from HGTV features young ghost couples looking for the perfect home to haunt. Ghosts cannot be captured on camera, so every episode is just a real estate agent who is also a medium breaking into people’s houses and then having only one side of a conversation. It’s a show that’s sure to open our homes and lift our spirits.

Mystery Mouth – A new Netflix game show where contestants from the audience must solve riddles to figure out what a nervous old man is hiding in his mouth. Is it teeth? Is it the beach? Is it a handgun? Guess correctly and contestants have a chance to win whatever is inside the old man’s mouth.

Trump House – Set in the White House, this reality show coming to Fox will follow the First Family as they outsmart their leftist enemies while making America great again for us all. This is probably the most highly anticipated show of the season ever since a few months ago when Trump himself announced that producing Trump House was the only reason why he ran for the presidency in the first place.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Hidden Details Of Trump White House Leaked By Anonymous Source

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An anonymous source from within the White House has reached out to Circus Killer News with previously unknown details about the President’s daily routine. What follows is an unedited letter from that source, which our investigators have verified:

“The President starts each day the same. He wakes up at around 11:00 a.m. in his bed in the Lincoln bedroom, which is covered in radioactive sheets that keep his skin tan while he sleeps. He rings a bell as soon as he’s awake so that we know when it’s time for us to come in and dress him.

The President then has his breakfast in the Taft dining room, which is a sleeve of Oreo’s and a bowl of Lucky Charms with root beer instead of milk. The President forces us all to watch him eat his breakfast, and if any of us look at him in the eyes, we’re fired immediately.

After breakfast, the President is given his morning briefing. Military generals and intelligence officials will draw their briefings on construction paper in order to keep the President’s attention. The more glitter that they use in their briefings, the more likely Trump will notice it. The current administration spends over $4,000 on glitter each month.

We spend most of the day trying to find ways to distract the President. In the beginning we were using laser pointers, but he thought they were snipers and that only added to his paranoia. We figured out that we can dazzle him pretty easily with close-up magic whenever he starts trying to give out orders. If I pull a quarter out of his ear, for example, then he’ll spend the next half hour checking his body for more money.

For most of the day, Trump retreats to a secluded room where we let him watch tv and eat as much sugar as he wants. If he ever asks for anything, such as lubricant or pornography or his daughter, then we tell him that the democrats just made those things illegal and try to ignore his yelling. Eventually he crashes and we just put him to bed, then start over the next day.

So basically, we’re dealing with it. There really aren’t any surprises anymore. The next two years are going to be long and frustrating, but we’ll get through it as a nation.”

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

5 Hottest Underwater Hotels

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70% of the planet is covered with water, and a whole 15% of that water isn’t filled with garbage. With so many amazing sights beneath the sea, it’s no wonder that underwater hotels have become so popular in the last few years. If you’re looking for a wet hot vacation spot this summer, then check out this guide to the 5 hottest underwater hotels that can be found in the depths of our planet’s oceans.

 

5. The Sand Castle Hotel & Spa
What makes The Sand Castle Hotel unique isn’t its luxury suites or its local underwater nightlife, it’s that the entire structure is made out of sand. Constructed over a period of 35 years by hundreds of mermaid child slaves, this sandy behemoth at the bottom of the sea reminds guests of how good it feels to get sand in every bodily crevasse. All the furniture, the silverware, the artwork, the bedding, all of it is made out of sand. You can do anything you want with the sand in your room, but remember that if you steal any of it then the hotel staff will send a herd of hammerhead sharks after you and they won’t stop coming until one of your hand’s has been fully eaten.

4. Solenaya Trubka
Solenaya Trubka is a themed underwater hotel where guests get to experience what it’s like to be on a soviet submarine at the height of the Cold War. Every night you will be awakened by various alarms that sound at random times. There are no restaurants, no shows, no services of any kind. Your room is just a small metal tube that contains a number of buttons, valves, and switches that no one tells you how to operate. The Trubka does not give out free soaps or bottles of shampoo, but guests are exposed to low levels of nuclear radiation, totally free of charge.

3. Vulcan Suites
This underwater hotel is really nothing to write home about, but it had to be included on the list because it is situated on the rim of an active volcano, which means it literally is the hottest underwater hotel in the world. Customer service is poor, the restaurants are unimpressive, and the furniture will spontaneously melt at times. They also claim to have “free HBO,” but what they don’t tell you is that “HBO” at Vulcan Suites stands for “Hot Body Ointment,” which treats the burns that guests invariably develop on every inch of their skin.

2. Trump Aquatic
Located off the coast of the New Jersey shore, this luxurious underwater hotel and casino used to be on land right on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Shoddy workmanship mixed with years of neglectful maintenance, however, caused the building’s foundation to collapse into the sea, where it now resides. Guests will find everything they’ve come to expect from a Trump hotel, including premium Russian pornography, no fruits or vegetables whatsoever, and copies of “The Art of the Deal” in lieu of hotel bibles that you will be charged for reading even if you just glance at it accidentally.

1. Titanica
Titanica is not only one of the most luxurious hotels that the ocean floor has to offer, but it is also one of the most controversial hotels in the world. Titanica is built inside the remains of the shipwrecked Titanic. Most of the ship was restored for the hotel, but some areas of the famous sunken ocean liner have remained as perfectly preserved as Jack’s corpse, which can be seen on one of the hotel’s guided tours. Though Titanica has received generally positive reviews, some guests have reported finding hundred-year-old body parts floating about their rooms. Additionally, activists have been trying to get the hotel shut down ever since it opened, arguing that a watery graveyard should not be thought of as a tourism spot. Titanica has subsequently been referred to in many publications as “the most offensive underwater hotel in the world,” though many believe that it’s nothing compared to Poseidon’s Autism Holocaust Casino.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fox News Correspondent Not Sure What Slant To Put On Story About Transgender Muslim Police Dog

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Fox News correspondent Hunter Toddson found himself in hot water on Monday when he accidentally stepped onto a geyser that had opened up in his pro-fracking town. Yesterday, however, Toddson found himself in metaphorical hot water when he had to produce a news story for his local Fox station about a transgender Muslim police dog who rescued a small child from a fire.

“At Fox we put stories into two categories,” he said. “The first is the Light Group, which is stories that promote traditional values, American heroes, our suave and intelligent President, anything we want to shed a light on to show how great this nation is. The second group is the Dark Group, which is stories about immigrants committing crimes, liberal college professors spilling food, people who have choked to death on socialism, or other terrors in this country lurking in the shadows that we have to report on.”

Toddson says that this particular news story fits into both the Light Group and the Dark Group and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Any story about a dog, the third most American animal behind eagles and freshwater salmon, belongs in the Light Group. Combine that with the fact that this dog is an authority figure that dashed into a burning building and you got yourself a solid positive slant story. But on the other hand, transgenderism and anything having to do with non-Christian faiths is clearly a Dark Group story.”

As more details about the incident unfold, Toddson found his decision became increasingly difficult.

“It turns out the dog’s parents were both immigrants, which ordinarily would put this story in the Dark Group. But the dog also served in Afghanistan, which is a Light Group trait. The dog also turned out to be a Trump supporter, which is Light, but I just found out that the dog is female. I just don’t know what to do.”

Toddson says he will likely toss the entire story and instead write a piece about the firefighter who stood up for his religious rights by heroically refusing to put out that same fire because it was in an atheist’s apartment.

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

30 Common Phobias

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Everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s being in the dark, being alone, or being hit on by an octogenarian. There are so many different kinds of fears and phobias that it can be a little difficult to keep track of them all. Here is a list of the thirty most common phobias in the United States.

 

Autoincosophobia – The fear of getting hit by a car while indoors.

Millenophobia – The fear of young people.

Agoraphobia – The fear of Al Gore.

Fakillnesophobia – The fear of gluten.

Americophobia – The fear of getting shot.

Holicrapophobia – The fear that a sinkhole will open up in your bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Commerciophobia – The fear of being unable to skip, mute, or otherwise ignore an advertisement.

Phobophobia – The fear of developing an irrational fear.

Phobophobophobia – The fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Protophobophobophobia – The fear of encountering something that might cause the development of the fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Aloforevophobia – The fear of never landing a second date.

Enbeesiophobia – The fear that your favorite television show will get canceled.

Selleckophobia – The fear of exceptional mustaches.

Coulrophobia – The fear of being cool.

Marmotophobia – The fear of getting trapped in a “Groundhog Day” loop.

Pauppophobia – The fear of making eye contact with a poor person.

Netflexpirophobia – The fear that a movie or show you want to watch on Netflix will expire before you get the chance to watch it.

Ufophobia – The fear of being abducted by aliens.

Claustrophobia – The fear of Santa Claus.

Flatuvatophobia – The fear of farting in an elevator.

Arachnophobia – The fear of Iraq.

Forforforophobia – The fear that Wendy’s will take away their “4 for 4” deal.

Notextophobia – The fear that someone dislikes you because they didn’t promptly text you back.

Movonophobia – The fear that your ex is doing better than you.

Procrastophobia – The fear that you’ve been putting something off for too long.

Digifilinophobia – The fear that your body is a robotic skin-suit that is being controlled by a group of highly intelligent housecats.

Chipotelophobia – The fear of chipotle (the spice, not the restaurant).

Chitolepophobia – The fear of Chipotle (the restaurant, not the spice).

Gamothronesophobia – The fear of nudity.

Drumpfophobia – The fear that you’re about half has intelligent as you think you are, and that everyone is secretly laughing at you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

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A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2017 Season

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Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.