SPECIAL REPORT: Vampires

Humans have shared this world with many supernatural creatures over the ages. One such creature that people often celebrate this time of year is a vampire. These deadly, soul sucking, strangely attractive creatures of the night often terrorize our friends and our families, elude our laws and our understanding, and take our women and our jobs.

Vampires were first discovered in the late 1800s when a multitude of killings took the lives of several young London women. All the women had bite marks on their necks, a set of fangs that weren’t present when they disappeared, and a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight.” All of the murders were blamed on a creepy-looking Eastern European guy because of his accent, which where the Transylvanian stereotype comes from. It was later discovered that the killer was a vampiric industrialist who was wealthy enough it didn’t matter.

Since then, vampirism has been spreading throughout the western world. There have been many famous vampires throughout history, including Martin Van Buren, Al Jolson, and two of the Marx Brothers. Many famous folks who are still alive today are also struggling with vampirism, such as Melania Trump, Martin Shkreli, and that woman from the Progressive commercials.

There are a few different ways you can identify a vampire. For starters, Vampires cannot say the name of God because they think being atheists makes them smarter. If you suspect someone is a vampire, quiz him or her on all things Christ. Additionally, the myth about vampires being allergic to garlic is partially true; if you rub garlic on a vampire’s skin it will turn charcoal black and cool to the touch. Vampires also do not have a reflection, so if you shine a mirror at one you will see an image of a dog on a unicycle dressed as a clown, and not the vampire itself.

Vampires have a number of abilities that make them difficult to combat. They’re super strong, super fast, can turn into bats, cannot age, do not sleep, can stop time, can control the weather, start fires with their mind, and can eat over forty hotdogs in one sitting. Most of the ways that vampires are killed in legend have some degree of truth to them. The myth of the wooden stake through the heart, for example, is a very close mistranslation. In truth, all vampires have poor cholesterol and cannot eat red meat. A steak that has been cooked on a wood-burning stove is really bad for their hearts. Similarly, silver will not damage them, but finishing second in anything will significantly cripple their self-esteem.

The best method for defeating a vampire, however, is to simply not attract one in the first place. Vampires sustain themselves on human blood, so the more blood you have in your body, and the more openly you display that blood, the more likely it is that a vampire will point you in their sights. Essentially, if a vampire attacks you, it’s probably because you were dressed provocatively or were leading it on, so you were asking for it.

If you do get bitten by a vampire, however, then do not panic. Vampires have three kinds of bites. The first is for sucking blood, and it is used to completely drain your body of its vitality. Vampires using this type of bite will not let go until they’ve finished feeding and your body is completely drained, so you have to loosen its grip on your neck by wedging something in there or tickling it. The second type of bite is to convert you into a vampire. In this type, the vampire injects you with vampiric venom that will turn you into a vampire within twenty-four hours of being bitten. Your best chance then is to suck out the venom with a vacuum, bendy straw, or best friend. The third type of bite has nothing to do with preying on humans and is only used for eating pizza.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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9 Exciting New TV Shows Coming This Fall

Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Signs ‘Trump Immunity’ Executive Order

Earlier today the President signed a controversial executive order known as the “Trump Immunity” order, which grants Trump and his family full immunity from any legal charges whatsoever. The order comes in response to the FBI investigation of Trump’s Russia connections.

Experts and lawmakers have come forward questioning the validity of the order, which Trump composed himself using crayons and the back of an adult color book prescribed by his anger management coach. The order is difficult to read, but from what legislators can make out it appears to exonerate anyone with the last name “Trump” for any past, present, or future crimes, and that anyone who tries to contest this will legally be declared a loser.

From the way the executive order is worded, pardons have also been granted to Trump’s family. This came as a shock to many political strategists who assumed Trump would instead legalize the actions of his family. Melania Trump, for example, married her husband and moved to America to escape being hunted in Slovenia like the other vampires. Many of her kind in the US voted for Trump thinking he would do everything he could to legalize vampirism, but instead he signed the Trump Immunity order to pardon his wife’s affliction. The pardon also forgives Eric Trump’s serial murders and Donald Trump Jr.’s various crimes against fashion.

Trump supporters across the country have been defending the order, saying the President deserves to be above the laws of mortal man anyway. White House staffers have denied the rumors that Trump only ran for office to dole out presidential pardons to himself and his family, but have confirmed the rumors that they will all soon be getting pardons as well.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.