9 Exciting New TV Shows Coming This Fall

Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Trump Signs ‘Trump Immunity’ Executive Order

Earlier today the President signed a controversial executive order known as the “Trump Immunity” order, which grants Trump and his family full immunity from any legal charges whatsoever. The order comes in response to the FBI investigation of Trump’s Russia connections.

Experts and lawmakers have come forward questioning the validity of the order, which Trump composed himself using crayons and the back of an adult color book prescribed by his anger management coach. The order is difficult to read, but from what legislators can make out it appears to exonerate anyone with the last name “Trump” for any past, present, or future crimes, and that anyone who tries to contest this will legally be declared a loser.

From the way the executive order is worded, pardons have also been granted to Trump’s family. This came as a shock to many political strategists who assumed Trump would instead legalize the actions of his family. Melania Trump, for example, married her husband and moved to America to escape being hunted in Slovenia like the other vampires. Many of her kind in the US voted for Trump thinking he would do everything he could to legalize vampirism, but instead he signed the Trump Immunity order to pardon his wife’s affliction. The pardon also forgives Eric Trump’s serial murders and Donald Trump Jr.’s various crimes against fashion.

Trump supporters across the country have been defending the order, saying the President deserves to be above the laws of mortal man anyway. White House staffers have denied the rumors that Trump only ran for office to dole out presidential pardons to himself and his family, but have confirmed the rumors that they will all soon be getting pardons as well.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.