12 Ways To Extend Your Phone’s Battery Life

The world of technology brings as many pains as it does pleasures. We all have experience being right in the middle of a text or an episode of a show or an important call telling us where to leave the ransom money when our phone shuts down from low battery, shutting down our lives as well. Check out these 12 tips on expanding the power of your phone’s battery to make sure your tech-enhanced life doesn’t stop.

 

1. The human body creates enough energy in one hour to power your phone for a lifetime. Remove one of your eyes so that you can stick a USB charger into your open eye socket.

2. Play mobile games while sitting on the toilet instead of everywhere all the time constantly.

3. Microwaving your phone for six minutes can give it enough energy for six hours.

4. Send your phone up into space and let it absorb the sun’s radiation. Your phone will charge fully as well as be imbued with super powers.

5. A virus on your mobile phone might always be running in the background, which drains battery life. To combat this, download a security program that will always be running in the background to check for viruses.

6. Replace your phone battery with a car battery.

7. Bury a human bone, a crow’s feather, and a picture of Robert Johnson at the center of a crossroads. Wait there until midnight and a demon will appear. You can sell the demon your phone’s soul in exchange for unlimited battery life.

8. Turn your brightness all the way down and just guess at what you’re typing.

9. Surgically implant an electric eel’s organs into your body so that you can produce your own electricity. Your phone will charge while you’re holding it.

10. Keep your phone in a freezer when you’re not using it. Your battery level will freeze at whatever percentage it was when you put it in.

11. Use your home computer to watch porn instead of watching it on your phone in the subway at full volume.

12. Free yourself from the shackles of a technologically intrusive society by casting your phone into the sea. The saltwater will preserve your phone’s battery life and you’ll get to live off the grid.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Beach

For decades scientists and experts have known that the beach is just about the worst place to spend large amounts of time, yet that doesn’t stop ordinary Americans from flocking to the shore every warm-weather weekend. Recently, Circus Killer News sent an undercover reporter, Chelsea Realperson, to the Jersey shore to try and figure out what makes people return to these hellish scenes and how they manage to survive.

First, Chelsea sought to discover what draws beachgoers to the shore. After interviewing several people, Chelsea found that many meander to the shores every weekend to relax. Beachgoers are seemingly unaware that things like sitting, napping, and reading are all activities that can be done in their own homes. Aspects of the shore that beachgoers find aesthetically pleasing, such as “listening to the sound of the waves” and “smelling the salty air,” can easily be replicated with smartphone apps.

A handful of beachgoers said they enjoyed the sand but could not explain why. Chelsea asked if they were aware that sand tracks back to their homes and often hides glass shards, used condoms and discarded drug paraphernalia, and all of them shrugged those facts off like they were no big deal. As a test, Chelsea asked a different group of strangers if they would continue to frequent a movie theater, mall, public park or any other social gathering area if the ground there was littered with garbage, band-aids and bugs, and the responses she received ranged from “of course not” to “god, no” to “ma’am, please, this is a funeral.”

Many beachgoers report taking pleasure in laying on the ground and exposing as much of themselves as possible to harmful solar radiation. Instead of wearing clothes, beachgoers will rub chemicals into their skin or even take shelter under umbrellas, which are traditionally used for protection from the exact opposite kind of weather. Our reporter, Chelsea, attempted this “sunbathing” herself and was unable to feel the spiritual connection that most beachgoers report feeling with their Sun God, whom they often refer to as Uv. Soon afterwards Chelsea’s skin turned red, which she believes is Uv punishing her for her rejection of the beachers’ ways.

When wanting to feel active, beachgoers will often charge headfirst into the ocean – yes, the literal ocean – which is its own separate horror. Beachgoers enjoy sloshing their bodies around in this salty liquid-landfill despite the fact that it is often the site of hurricanes, drownings, and is the only place where sharks exist. There are groupings of attractive high-school dropouts called “lifeguards” whose job it is to keep swimmers safe from the oceans’ many terrors, but not a single one of them ever carries a weapon.

Chelsea was never able to figure out why people return to the beach whenever they can, and for that she has been demoted to an overcover reporter. One thing she did discover, however, is that regular beachgoers will continue this ritual every weekend from Labor Day to Memorial Day, or possibly the other way around. I forget which is which.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.