SPECIAL REPORT: Weather

The weather. Good or bad, it affects all of us who don’t live in an invisible space station that orbits above Washington D.C. Everyone knows the basics of weather, but very few people actually understand how the weather works. Why is weather so hard to predict? Why do some areas of the world get more intense weather than others? Does a 500-word article about weather mean that Circus Killers News is having trouble coming up with content? All of these questions and more will be answered in this week’s “Special Report.”

First, let’s identify the different types of weather. Most people look forward to sunny weather, which happens when all the clouds have been scared away by birds having loud, violent sex. At night, most of the world experiences moony weather, which occurs when hot moonbeams cause the terrified clouds to explode.

There are also many different types of precipitation that can occur on days that are not sunny or moony. The most common type is rain, which is characterized as little droplets of water falling from the sky. Other types of precipitation include snow, sleet, and hail. Most scientists believe that all forms of precipitation are cousins, which explains why they’ve all never been seen in the same room together. One thing scientists definitely can’t agree on, however, is how precipitation is formed. We know that clouds make it inside their bodies, but we don’t know where they get the water to make it. Some of the world’s more imaginative scientists believe it is due to a process called “evaporation,” which states that water from the ocean magically floats upwards into the sky and then falls back down again. The most common theory, however, is that the clouds are just crying because they haven’t been held in millions of years.

Of course there are more violent types of weather as well. There’s thunder and lightening, which are completely separate phenomena but often follow one another because they’re in love. There’s also earthquakes, which happen when the Earth is hungry, and volcanic eruptions, which occur whenever the Earth has eaten too much. Tornadoes and hurricanes, however, are just myths.

For thousands of years, humans have tried to make sense of the weather by believing it is all being control by a higher power, be it a god or the men who live in that invisible space station above D.C. In fact, all the evidence suggests that weather is governed by completely natural forces. Still, many humans throughout time have attempted to control the weather. Benjamin Franklin famously tied a key to a kite and flew it through a lightening storm in an attempt to unlock its secrets, but the weather punished him by making him bald. He never learned his lesson, and he went on to become the first U.S. President to declare war on the sky. It is commonly believed that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated due to his conviction to shooting rockets into the sky to try and blow it up.

There are many different types of weather and most of them are dangerous. Unfortunately there is absolutely no way to protect yourself from any type of weather, but at least now you know what’s come.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

10 Common Dreams And What They Mean

Dreams are one of the most peculiar functions of the human brain. People will often look for complex or even mystical meanings behind their dreams, but dreams are much simpler than people make them out to be. This is because every function of the human body, including dreams, relates to sex, food, death, and nothing else.

 

Flying – Flying, floating, and levitating are all very common dreams. Some people even claim to feel the sensation that they’re flying when they’re awake and on an airplane. If you have a dream that you can fly, it probably just means you have gas.

Falling – Unlike flying dreams, falling is when you’re plummeting through the air and have no control over it. Falling dreams mean that your spouse is having an affair with their sky diving instructor.

Teeth Falling Out – Dreams about losing teeth, hair, pancreases, and other body parts are common among people who are stressed out. These dreams usually mean that a spider is crawling into your open mouth at that very moment.

Back In High School – This is one of the most common dreams for people in their thirties. If you recently had a dream that you were back in high school then the person you lost your virginity to has just died.

Sex Dream – Though it’s a common mistake, sex dreams actually have nothing to do with sex. They usually just mean you’re a terrible, wicked human being and that you desperately need Jesus in your life.

Being Chased By Something – These are more like nightmares than dreams. Some scientists say that they are a precursor to paranoia, but others believe they are due to mind control microwaves that the government is blasting into your home from that unmarked van across the street.

Getting Your Mind Hacked Into – These aren’t dreams, they’re memories. You’ve been incepted.

Your Own Death – Many people have dreams about when and how they will die, but these dreams are almost never accurate. In truth, dreams about your own death mean that you’re pregnant, or have just gotten someone pregnant.

Someone Else’s Death – Unlike dreaming about your own death, this type of dream is completely real. Start saying your goodbyes.

William H. Macy – Humans have been having dreams about William H. Macy for thousands of years. Scientists still don’t know what these dreams signify.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.