SPECIAL REPORT: Weather

The weather. Good or bad, it affects all of us who don’t live in an invisible space station that orbits above Washington D.C. Everyone knows the basics of weather, but very few people actually understand how the weather works. Why is weather so hard to predict? Why do some areas of the world get more intense weather than others? Does a 500-word article about weather mean that Circus Killers News is having trouble coming up with content? All of these questions and more will be answered in this week’s “Special Report.”

First, let’s identify the different types of weather. Most people look forward to sunny weather, which happens when all the clouds have been scared away by birds having loud, violent sex. At night, most of the world experiences moony weather, which occurs when hot moonbeams cause the terrified clouds to explode.

There are also many different types of precipitation that can occur on days that are not sunny or moony. The most common type is rain, which is characterized as little droplets of water falling from the sky. Other types of precipitation include snow, sleet, and hail. Most scientists believe that all forms of precipitation are cousins, which explains why they’ve all never been seen in the same room together. One thing scientists definitely can’t agree on, however, is how precipitation is formed. We know that clouds make it inside their bodies, but we don’t know where they get the water to make it. Some of the world’s more imaginative scientists believe it is due to a process called “evaporation,” which states that water from the ocean magically floats upwards into the sky and then falls back down again. The most common theory, however, is that the clouds are just crying because they haven’t been held in millions of years.

Of course there are more violent types of weather as well. There’s thunder and lightening, which are completely separate phenomena but often follow one another because they’re in love. There’s also earthquakes, which happen when the Earth is hungry, and volcanic eruptions, which occur whenever the Earth has eaten too much. Tornadoes and hurricanes, however, are just myths.

For thousands of years, humans have tried to make sense of the weather by believing it is all being control by a higher power, be it a god or the men who live in that invisible space station above D.C. In fact, all the evidence suggests that weather is governed by completely natural forces. Still, many humans throughout time have attempted to control the weather. Benjamin Franklin famously tied a key to a kite and flew it through a lightening storm in an attempt to unlock its secrets, but the weather punished him by making him bald. He never learned his lesson, and he went on to become the first U.S. President to declare war on the sky. It is commonly believed that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated due to his conviction to shooting rockets into the sky to try and blow it up.

There are many different types of weather and most of them are dangerous. Unfortunately there is absolutely no way to protect yourself from any type of weather, but at least now you know what’s come.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

GOP Funded Study Links Same Sex Marriage to Fire and Brimstone

A GOP funded study was released yesterday that scientifically analyzes the correlation between the acceptance of same sex marriage and signs of the End Times.  According to the study, the more homosexuality “bleeds” into a society, the further that society and the entire world will descend into the chaos depicted in the Book of Revelations.

“The results [of this study] are clear,” says Republican representative Don Cahill, one of the leading supporters of the bill that redirected NASA’s funds to make way for this research.  “For example, we all know that there are fires in California all the time.  California is full of the gays.  Is that coincidence?  I don’t think so.”

The research was conducted over the past three years by a team of specially selected scientists whose work has been describe by Cahill as “rewriting the book on science,” which he means very literally since they’ve had to change the definition of science in order to pass off their work as such.

“People tell me that societies have gotten along fine with homosexuality,” Cahill continued, “They tell me to look at the Greeks.  Well I have and their economy is somehow worse than our own.  I don’t know what else you people need.”

Many Americans have spoken out against the study, claiming it shouldn’t be taken seriously and is unscientific.  The study’s supporters rebutted by accusing the opposition of being arrogant science-deniers, which everyone in Washington agreed was a pretty interesting change.

No word yet on how this new information might affect the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on same sex marriage, though political analysts are predicting it could somehow lead to a government shut down, which will probably be Obama’s fault.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Artsy Burglar Compelled to Rearrange Unorganized Home

A family in Washington State was surprised to come home from their Disney Land vacation over the weekend and find their house broken into and de-cluttered. The burglar, Mitchell Mathesen, was caught early this morning and claimed he felt obligated to give the family a home makeover upon seeing the messy state the home was in.

“The feng shui was way off.” Mathesen said in his confession to the police. “I don’t understand how anyone could live like that. How could they possibly entertain guests on good conscience?”

Mathesen had intended to steal jewelry, cash and whatever valuable electronics he could carry. Shortly after breaking into the Walsch’s home, however, he abandoned his original goal and made redecorating his “project of the day.”

The Walsch family, meanwhile, are trying to treat the break-in positively. “I don’t think I like what he did with the furniture arrangement in the living room,” said mother Cheryl Walsch, “but the kids’ bedrooms have never looked nicer. I haven’t seen their clothes folded and put away so neatly in years.”

Mathesen could face up to 8 years in prison for breaking & entering and styling under the influence.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.