Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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GOP Funded Study Links Same Sex Marriage to Fire and Brimstone

A GOP funded study was released yesterday that scientifically analyzes the correlation between the acceptance of same sex marriage and signs of the End Times.  According to the study, the more homosexuality “bleeds” into a society, the further that society and the entire world will descend into the chaos depicted in the Book of Revelations.

“The results [of this study] are clear,” says Republican representative Don Cahill, one of the leading supporters of the bill that redirected NASA’s funds to make way for this research.  “For example, we all know that there are fires in California all the time.  California is full of the gays.  Is that coincidence?  I don’t think so.”

The research was conducted over the past three years by a team of specially selected scientists whose work has been describe by Cahill as “rewriting the book on science,” which he means very literally since they’ve had to change the definition of science in order to pass off their work as such.

“People tell me that societies have gotten along fine with homosexuality,” Cahill continued, “They tell me to look at the Greeks.  Well I have and their economy is somehow worse than our own.  I don’t know what else you people need.”

Many Americans have spoken out against the study, claiming it shouldn’t be taken seriously and is unscientific.  The study’s supporters rebutted by accusing the opposition of being arrogant science-deniers, which everyone in Washington agreed was a pretty interesting change.

No word yet on how this new information might affect the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on same sex marriage, though political analysts are predicting it could somehow lead to a government shut down, which will probably be Obama’s fault.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Artsy Burglar Compelled to Rearrange Unorganized Home

A family in Washington State was surprised to come home from their Disney Land vacation over the weekend and find their house broken into and de-cluttered. The burglar, Mitchell Mathesen, was caught early this morning and claimed he felt obligated to give the family a home makeover upon seeing the messy state the home was in.

“The feng shui was way off.” Mathesen said in his confession to the police. “I don’t understand how anyone could live like that. How could they possibly entertain guests on good conscience?”

Mathesen had intended to steal jewelry, cash and whatever valuable electronics he could carry. Shortly after breaking into the Walsch’s home, however, he abandoned his original goal and made redecorating his “project of the day.”

The Walsch family, meanwhile, are trying to treat the break-in positively. “I don’t think I like what he did with the furniture arrangement in the living room,” said mother Cheryl Walsch, “but the kids’ bedrooms have never looked nicer. I haven’t seen their clothes folded and put away so neatly in years.”

Mathesen could face up to 8 years in prison for breaking & entering and styling under the influence.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.