SPECIAL REPORT: Weight Loss

Americans are as obsessed with losing weight as they are with unintentionally gaining it. Each year, millions of Americans are killed because of weight loss regimens that are too extreme, too untested, or too volcanic. To investigate the dangers of losing weight, Circus Killer News persuaded Mica Raszbo, one of its most expendable reporters, to try out a few different methods of getting thin.

The first weight loss method that Mica tried out was dieting. He went on a “Green” diet in which he could only eat green foods, but Mica kept getting sick because he would just eat green Skittles. Mica then tried the “Fist Hunter” diet where he was only allowed to eat animals that he could both ride and kill with his bare hands. This proved to be an excellent means of losing weight for Mica because he ended up not eating anything for seven days. Lastly, Mica went on a diet called “Holes for Goals” where he was only permitted to eat foods with holes in them, such as bagels, Swiss cheese, and DVDs. This was the most nutritious diet by far.

There are a lot of different weight loss drugs on the market, but because there is no agency in the United States that regulates food and drugs, it’s impossible to know for certain which weight loss drugs are safe, and which ones are highly explosive. We mixed a bunch of different weight less pills into Mica’s lunch without his knowledge to see how his body would react. After about thirty minutes, he began vomiting on everything nearby. He also lost his vision, convulsed uncontrollably, and started speaking fluent Portuguese, which is a language that he didn’t know before. Also his right hand completely fell off, so he did technically loose about fifteen pounds.

As we accompanied Mica to a hospital to get his hand reattached, we inquired about surgical weight loss options. Since bones are the heaviest part of your body, the smartest surgical option would be a simple bone removal, where they take out some of the bones that you aren’t using. Another option is an organ reduction; we only use 10% of our brains, so slicing out that unused 90% will help you get rid of any excess brain-weight that you might be carrying with you. We went ahead and signed up Mica for both of the procedures while he was passed out.

This left only one more weight loss measure for Mica to test out: exercise. We gave Mica a gym membership so that he could start pumping iron, treading mills, and doing that thing Chuck Norris does in that commercial, but he never used his membership. Ever since he was brought home from the hospital, he’s done nothing but lay in bed as a drooling, motionless, unresponsive pool of human soup. That gym membership was pretty expensive, so Circus Killer News is now suing Mica for everything he has.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.