SPECIAL REPORT: Sleep

Not too long ago, Circus Killer News posted an article about dream interpretation. Shortly thereafter, we received numerous complaints from readers who did not find this article helpful because they don’t know how to experience dreams. Due to the volume of complaints, CKN has decided to do this week’s Special Report on sleep, since many of our readers seem to be unaware that dreams can only be experienced while you’re sleeping.

First, let’s explore the science of sleep. Sleep is a common phenomenon in the animal kingdom, although every animal has its own unique sleep patterns. Dolphins, for example, can only fall asleep after having an intense orgasm. Tortoises only sleep for a single five-minute period every century, and giraffes sleep while hanging upside-down from tree branches.

The reason why all living things sleep is because of aliens. All the aliens love our planet because it’s not too cold, not too soggy, and we have some pretty rad amusement parks. Because they’re too shy to be seen in public, the aliens had to devise a way of making all the animals on Earth lose consciousness for a short while, so they flew up into space and sought out Sausamzayas, a celestial being who can control people’s minds. In exchange for thirty-seven florpnaughts, the aliens obtained a machine from Sausamzayas that generates little granules of magical powder that they are able to teleport into your eyeballs every night, causing several hours of sleep. Over time, the human body gets used to the effects of the sleeping powder and begins to mimic those effects on its own by about age three.

Sleep has become an important part of staying alive and healthy. The human body actually heals faster when it’s asleep. This is because while you’re awake you use up a lot of your brainpower thinking about how worthless and insignificant you are, but when you’re asleep your brain can use all of its power to do useful things like fix your bones and tell your stomach acid to be quieter. People who don’t get a lot of sleep tend to be more irritable, better skateboarders, and less likely to have their belly lovingly rubbed by a stranger on a bus.

Sleep disorders are common among weirdoes and freaks, and can affect sleep in a variety of different ways. Two of the most common sleep disorders are insomnia, which is characterized by an inability to sleep indoors, and outsomnia, which is not being able to sleep unless you just watched someone play baseball poorly. There’s also sleep apenea, which is when nearby apes are compelled to break into your home and try to smother you in your sleep. Nobody knows what causes sleep apenea or what attracts the apes, so if you’re suffering from sleep apenea then make sure your home has been properly ape-proofed.

Normal people can have a difficult time sleeping as well. This can be the result of stress, but it can also be because of an agitation of one of your senses, such as a loud noise or having your earlobes flicked by an Angel of the Lord. There are many different methods for falling asleep quickly, including sleeping pills, sleeping potions, sleeping spells, and just trying harder. The best method for falling asleep, however, is counting sheep, so if you ever find yourself tossing and turning at night, just look out your window and count all the iPhone users you see until you pass out.

Sleep isn’t just the most entertaining way to pass the time. It’s also an essential part of being a human. Just keep in mind that there is an appropriate time and place for sleep. You never want to fall asleep while operating a vehicle or while typing a news article. If you do, you mightjdfzxlzcbvznnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Town Protests Sacrilegious Friendship Between Dog, Cat

Violent protests broke out yesterday in the small town of Wenesauken, Indiana, when locals discovered that a family in their community recently brought home a cat to keep as a pet. The family, known as the Burken’s, brought the cat home despite already owning a dog.

“It’s an abomination,” said Wenesauken dog owner Sandra Glennech. “You start letting dogs and cats live under the same roof and next it’ll be gophers and groundhogs, or birds and dead people.”

Dog owners rallied together to protest the abnormal living situation on the Burken’s front lawn holding handmade signs that read, “Canine Supremacy,” “Dog Lover And Proud,” and “We Want Kibble, Not Your Interspecies Drivel.”

Shortly after the dog owner protesters appeared, a group of cat owners showed up to also protest the unusual animal friendship, but also to counter-protest the dog owners at the same time. A screaming match started between these two large groups of unemployed people.

Soon afterward, owners of various exotic pets arrived to counter-protest both sides and preach a message of interspecies unity. This third mass of people was followed shortly by the appearance of a fourth group made up of people who do not own any pets and believe pet ownership to be a form of slavery.

After several hours, the four-way protest erupted into a massive brawl on and around the Burken’s property. Dog owners whipped leashes around, cat owners threw sand in people’s eyes, exotic pet owners jammed bird seed down people’s throats, and non-pet-owners tossed paint around and wildly stabbed everyone they could.

Authorities were finally able to clear up the violence. So far, eight people have been confirmed dead and another fifty-nine are reportedly injured. The Burken’s were not home.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #10 – How Do I Deal with a Stalker?

Hey ladeis! Im Brittany von Beuren and its thursday which means im back for another addition of Killer Advice on Circus Killer News!

This weeks question comes from a fan of mine named Sherri in Idaho. She writes…

 

Question: Dear Brittany, I’m afraid someone might be stalking me. Recently I’ve been getting these weird, unknown phone calls but when I answer them I just hear someone breathing. In the mail I’ve been getting these envelopes with no return address that are just filled with pictures of me through the windows of my home. And last week I heard the doorbell ring, but when I answered there was just a dead animal on my step, like a cat or something. And a note that said “Call the cops and I can’t protect you nomore.” I’m terrified out of my mind, Brittany. What should I do??

 

Answer: Thank you for asking me Sheri becos this is serius issue that shoudnt be taken litely. Ive dealt with meny stalkers before and have stalked meny men before so I know exactly what yuo and him are both goin threw.

First of all, DONT call the police. You dont want to risk it if he snot bluffing an in my a sperience most stalkers are cops anyway. The best think you can do is would be too finding out who he is and take maters into your own hands and too stalkerproof your home. Ill tell you how to do that now

So theres this great movie called home alone that have all the tips you will need but it will take alot of time to fix your house up like that. The best thing you could do if you wanted him to stop wood just be too fake your own death. This is something Ive done many many times so I could give u exact tips on that personaly. If thats not somethin you want than you could slowly do things to apeese him over time, like just leaveing out clumps of your hair and nails on your doorstep for him too pikcup. He wont hurt you if show cowopperation.

But in truth why would u wannem to stop? Enjoy the atention! Its hard to get that kindof divocean from a guy, a specially someone you havent even teased or did hand stuff with. Im sure he just wants whats best for you, I dont think he will realy harm you if you just sacfrice some of your freedom an do what he says. Whats the big deal?

 

Well thats all the time we have for this week! Keep asking your questions in the commnets or ask me directly on Twitter! Have a good week!! 🙂 ❤

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.