The 5 Most Venomous Creatures On The Planet

Humans have been at war with nature since the beginning of time. Fortunately we’re winning right now, but nature has produced some pretty deadly creatures to fight us off. One of the most effective ways that nature is trying to eradicate us is through venoms and poisons. Here are 5 venomous creatures to watch out for.

 

Brown-Tailed Horn Spider – This deadly eight-legged menace, native to the Australian continent, pounces on its prey and injects a fast-acting venom that causes immense gastric distress. Normally the spider is harmless, but if you insult its mother, or laugh at its brown tail, or do anything else to offend it, then it will come at you hard and it won’t quit until its venom is in your bloodstream so that it can watch you die in flatulent agony.

Pentagonback Rattlesnake – A cousin to the diamondback rattlesnake, this deadly creature was created by a mad scientist and then released into major cities all across the world. Its venom won’t make you sick, but it forces your brain to release chemicals that make you feel lonely and insecure.

Baby Rabbits – All newborn rabbits are the most venomous creatures on Earth. Their cuteness is a way of luring in their prey, but once you’re close enough to cuddle, they attack and inject you with a fatal venom that kills in seconds. Fortunately all the venom is secreted out of their long, fluffy ears by the time they reach two weeks old, but rabbits never lose that vicious killer instinct.

Atheists – These sickening creatures are most commonly found in suburban basements, but there’s always danger whenever they creep up to the surface world and invade a local population. Atheists have a venom sack in their neck that squirts out a secular poison, which seeps into your brain and alters its alpha orbital gyrus waves, causing you to lose all sense of logic and reason. Because of how dangerous they are, most states don’t even allow atheists as pets anymore.

Squimbly Squmbulpus – The squimbly squmbulpus is a rare figglesnake from the slumbumbering forest. It oozes it’s bright green floopgoo onto any unsuspecting wanglenaughts and blubbuses that wander too close to the gankos tree that it calls home. Only fleepcream from the malorplorp crevasse can counteract the squimbly squmbulpus floopgoo. This is really only a concern for fictional creatures.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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9 Facts About Rabbits That Will Shock You

Rabbits are God’s fuzziest creatures but are often shrouded in mystery. Despite what you think you may know about rabbits, there are a number of strange well-kept secrets about them that may surprise you. Here are 9 of the most unexpected and remarkable things you need to know about rabbits.

 

1. Rabbits are at the top of their food chain. The belief that they’re not is part of an elaborate conspiracy created to trick their prey into a false sense of security.

2. Bunnies can use their ears to pick up most FM and AM radio frequencies.

3. Rabbits were the first mammals in space. There were a total of 4 rabbit-only space missions before FASTA (the Furry Aeronautics and Space-Time Administration) was defunded.

4. Thomas Edison did not invent the light bulb. It was invented by a very smart bunny who never patented her design.

5. Rabbits can hear the thoughts of humans; they just don’t care enough to react.

6. Bunnies are responsible for some of our society’s most well-known dance movies, including the “hoppy stop,” the “sniffy shake” and the “hare twist.”

7. A total of six bunnies have been nominated for an Oscar, but only one of them has ever won. It was the “Best Actor” award in 1992, and was given to Buttons Washington for his starring role in “Forrest Rump.”

8. A rabbit’s bushy tail is called a “fluffpluffer” and can be used to attract mates, ward off enemies and construct large wooden three-masted sailing ships.

9. If you rub two rabbits together for more than 3 minutes, nothing will happen and you are a very strange person.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.