SPECIAL REPORT: Football

Every Sunday, millions of Americans flock to holy sites across the country to pray, sing songs, worship heroes, and pay fourteen dollars for a hotdog. It sounds a lot like church, but actually it’s a sport called “football,” and it’s as popular in America as Dooganwibble is in Great Britain.

Football has an interesting history that uncles across the United States know too much about. It started in the Depression Era when Americans needed a distraction from the woes of having to eat people’s shoes in order to survive. Impoverished hunks would saw off the foot of an unsuspecting stranger and then run through the streets with it until it was safe to remove the foot and boil the shoe. Police officers couldn’t afford bullets in those days, so they would tackle the foot thieves to the ground in order to stop them. Football evolved out of this tradition.

The game has changed a lot since its early days. Football is now played with an oblong leather ball called a “football.” The players of this sport are called “players,” and they play on a field that is a called a “football field.” Players have to get the ball into a zone at the end of the field, which is a region called the “end zone.”

Some of those terms might be a little too convoluted to understand, but the team names are far more memorable. Falcons, Seahawks, Eagles, Ravens, Cardinals… these are all the names of birds that have attacked me at a public swimming pool, but they are also the names of some of the teams that play this exciting sport. Some football teams have controversial names, such as the Redskins, which is a derogatory term for indigenous people; the Patriots, which is a derogatory term for Trump supporters; the Cowboys, which is a derogatory term for young men who lactate uncontrollably. Today’s politically correct culture has caused football viewership to decrease because of these offensive names, and now the games have been heavily censored.

Football is a dangerous sport, and players often sustain lifelong injuries by the end of their careers. This is what makes football so interesting, and the people in charge of the game have experimented with ways to bring even more harm to the players. There has been talk of installing landmines, sharks, cigarettes, and other dangerous elements into football fields across the country in order to make the game more exciting. Of course, the players are still cared for. All players injuries are healed at the end of each game by dunking them into a tub of a magical glowing liquid called “Gatorade,” which heals them almost instantly.

Football is as American as apple pie, coca-cola, or displacing a native population, and since the United States will exist until the end of time, so too will this wondrous and exciting sport.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Saxophones

All of us recognize the saxophone as the sexiest instrument in the world, but few of us know much else about it. Over 90% of Americans have no idea where saxophones come from, even though an additional 60% of Americans sleep with one under their bed every night without even realizing it. Circus Killer News sent a team of highly trained investigators to go out and learn as much as they could about that new sushi place that just opened up down the road. Meanwhile we spent five minutes looking up saxophones on the internet. Here’s what we found.

Many Americans believe that the saxophone was given to man thousands of years ago, when the biblical Abraham and his wife Sarah were having issues conceiving a child. To help out his bro, God gifted Abraham with a tenor saxophone, promising that it was a tool that would end their pregnancy problems. Abraham studied the instrument and became the greatest saxophonist who ever lived, and the sounds of that magnificent brass horn were so erotic that it made Sarah pregnant the first time he played it in front of her.

While that tale is highly plausible, science shows us that it isn’t true. We now know that saxophones are created in supernova explosions, and that millions of saxophones rain down on this planet every 63,000 years in a span of five minutes. The first saxophones were found by archeologist Dr. Esteban von Sax while digging holes in the ground to hide from bullies. Dr. Sax first thought that he found strange, misshapen dinosaurs, but when he placed his mouth on the end of one – as any archeologist would – he discovered that the beautiful brass shape that he found in the dirt was actually a majestic musical instrument. This is where the saxophone got the nicknames, “dirt horn,” “brass fossil,” and “dirty brass prehistoric mystical shape organ from the dirt.”

There are many different types of saxophones, including alto, tenor, bass, piano, unleaded, semi-automatic, and trans. Each one controls a different element of nature. Only The Sage – a master saxophonist who appears once a generation – can wield all of them. The Sage is the deadliest man on Earth with a saxophone, and he never uses his powers for good. Ever.

The average saxophone has thirty-two keys, plus four wisdom keys that sometimes appear during young adulthood. The price of a saxophone is determined by how loudly its keys jingle and jangle about in the wind. When played, each key of the saxophone is pressed down to unlock a different piece of the player’s soul. If every key is pressed at the same time then the player’s soul is instantly ejected from his or her body, and they must use the instrument to suck it back in before they die.

We’re learning more and more about saxophones every day, but they remain to be one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. If you or someone you know has seen a saxophone lately, contact the authorities immediately.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Procrastination

Procrastination is a lot like getting aroused while eating a hotdog; we experience it a lot, but few of us actually understand why. Procrastination affects nearly 85% of Americans every day, as well as 100% of people currently reading this article. Here is everything you need to know about procrastination.

First, let’s look at the causes. Most people believe that procrastination is caused by laziness, but this is only partly true. Really, procrastination, or the will to not accomplish tasks, is typically caused by a demon named Rauthazon who crawls into your chest cavity while you’re asleep and makes out with your soul. Your soul becomes so enamored with Rauthazon’s expert kissing technique that it can no longer invigorate you, and you lose all willpower.

You can easily spot someone suffering from procrastination by a few signs. Procrastinators are very lethargic, often to the point of endangering human life. Such was the case for pilot Peter Dirkwad, who kept putting off landing his plane.

“As an airline pilot, there are certain expectations of me,” says Peter. “I’m expected to land my aircraft on schedule. But for some reason I was just in one of those moods, man. My copilot, air traffic control, twenty years of experience, everything was telling me that I should have started landing procedure as we approached the airport. I just didn’t feel like it.”

Peter made a miraculous water landing in an Indiana water park when his plane eventually ran out of fuel. Fortunately no one was harmed, but this is just one example of how procrastination can put people in dangerous situations. Some other signs that an individual might be a procrastinator is that they repeatedly miss deadlines, make excuses, or develop bright red lesions on the skin that glow in the dark and taste like cinnamon.

The most effective treatment for procrastination is torture. Doctors recommend that procrastinators find someone they trust to throw dead batteries at them until they accomplish whatever tasks they’re putting off. Another proven method for fighting procrastination is deprivation. A procrastinator will swear off sleep, television, blinking, or other biological necessities until they’ve finished their work. This is the easiest treatment to adopt since it is essentially putting off one’s own needs for another time, which is a form of procrastination in itself.

Of course, preventive measures are always better than treatments. Procrastination can easily be prevented by pathologically weaseling one’s way out of responsibilities, therefore reducing the amount of work that one needs to get done. It can also be prevented by passing off responsibilities to a subordinate, such as a secretary or a trained animal of some kind. Some argue that the best way to prevent procrastination is to finish tasks as soon as possible instead of waiting until the last minute, but those people usually aren’t very cool, so it isn’t worth it.

Humankind will likely be plagued with procrastination until the end of time, which will be in 17 months. I’ll get around to writing a more creative ending later.

 

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Weight Loss

Americans are as obsessed with losing weight as they are with unintentionally gaining it. Each year, millions of Americans are killed because of weight loss regimens that are too extreme, too untested, or too volcanic. To investigate the dangers of losing weight, Circus Killer News persuaded Mica Raszbo, one of its most expendable reporters, to try out a few different methods of getting thin.

The first weight loss method that Mica tried out was dieting. He went on a “Green” diet in which he could only eat green foods, but Mica kept getting sick because he would just eat green Skittles. Mica then tried the “Fist Hunter” diet where he was only allowed to eat animals that he could both ride and kill with his bare hands. This proved to be an excellent means of losing weight for Mica because he ended up not eating anything for seven days. Lastly, Mica went on a diet called “Holes for Goals” where he was only permitted to eat foods with holes in them, such as bagels, Swiss cheese, and DVDs. This was the most nutritious diet by far.

There are a lot of different weight loss drugs on the market, but because there is no agency in the United States that regulates food and drugs, it’s impossible to know for certain which weight loss drugs are safe, and which ones are highly explosive. We mixed a bunch of different weight less pills into Mica’s lunch without his knowledge to see how his body would react. After about thirty minutes, he began vomiting on everything nearby. He also lost his vision, convulsed uncontrollably, and started speaking fluent Portuguese, which is a language that he didn’t know before. Also his right hand completely fell off, so he did technically loose about fifteen pounds.

As we accompanied Mica to a hospital to get his hand reattached, we inquired about surgical weight loss options. Since bones are the heaviest part of your body, the smartest surgical option would be a simple bone removal, where they take out some of the bones that you aren’t using. Another option is an organ reduction; we only use 10% of our brains, so slicing out that unused 90% will help you get rid of any excess brain-weight that you might be carrying with you. We went ahead and signed up Mica for both of the procedures while he was passed out.

This left only one more weight loss measure for Mica to test out: exercise. We gave Mica a gym membership so that he could start pumping iron, treading mills, and doing that thing Chuck Norris does in that commercial, but he never used his membership. Ever since he was brought home from the hospital, he’s done nothing but lay in bed as a drooling, motionless, unresponsive pool of human soup. That gym membership was pretty expensive, so Circus Killer News is now suing Mica for everything he has.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Sleep

Not too long ago, Circus Killer News posted an article about dream interpretation. Shortly thereafter, we received numerous complaints from readers who did not find this article helpful because they don’t know how to experience dreams. Due to the volume of complaints, CKN has decided to do this week’s Special Report on sleep, since many of our readers seem to be unaware that dreams can only be experienced while you’re sleeping.

First, let’s explore the science of sleep. Sleep is a common phenomenon in the animal kingdom, although every animal has its own unique sleep patterns. Dolphins, for example, can only fall asleep after having an intense orgasm. Tortoises only sleep for a single five-minute period every century, and giraffes sleep while hanging upside-down from tree branches.

The reason why all living things sleep is because of aliens. All the aliens love our planet because it’s not too cold, not too soggy, and we have some pretty rad amusement parks. Because they’re too shy to be seen in public, the aliens had to devise a way of making all the animals on Earth lose consciousness for a short while, so they flew up into space and sought out Sausamzayas, a celestial being who can control people’s minds. In exchange for thirty-seven florpnaughts, the aliens obtained a machine from Sausamzayas that generates little granules of magical powder that they are able to teleport into your eyeballs every night, causing several hours of sleep. Over time, the human body gets used to the effects of the sleeping powder and begins to mimic those effects on its own by about age three.

Sleep has become an important part of staying alive and healthy. The human body actually heals faster when it’s asleep. This is because while you’re awake you use up a lot of your brainpower thinking about how worthless and insignificant you are, but when you’re asleep your brain can use all of its power to do useful things like fix your bones and tell your stomach acid to be quieter. People who don’t get a lot of sleep tend to be more irritable, better skateboarders, and less likely to have their belly lovingly rubbed by a stranger on a bus.

Sleep disorders are common among weirdoes and freaks, and can affect sleep in a variety of different ways. Two of the most common sleep disorders are insomnia, which is characterized by an inability to sleep indoors, and outsomnia, which is not being able to sleep unless you just watched someone play baseball poorly. There’s also sleep apenea, which is when nearby apes are compelled to break into your home and try to smother you in your sleep. Nobody knows what causes sleep apenea or what attracts the apes, so if you’re suffering from sleep apenea then make sure your home has been properly ape-proofed.

Normal people can have a difficult time sleeping as well. This can be the result of stress, but it can also be because of an agitation of one of your senses, such as a loud noise or having your earlobes flicked by an Angel of the Lord. There are many different methods for falling asleep quickly, including sleeping pills, sleeping potions, sleeping spells, and just trying harder. The best method for falling asleep, however, is counting sheep, so if you ever find yourself tossing and turning at night, just look out your window and count all the iPhone users you see until you pass out.

Sleep isn’t just the most entertaining way to pass the time. It’s also an essential part of being a human. Just keep in mind that there is an appropriate time and place for sleep. You never want to fall asleep while operating a vehicle or while typing a news article. If you do, you mightjdfzxlzcbvznnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Weather

The weather. Good or bad, it affects all of us who don’t live in an invisible space station that orbits above Washington D.C. Everyone knows the basics of weather, but very few people actually understand how the weather works. Why is weather so hard to predict? Why do some areas of the world get more intense weather than others? Does a 500-word article about weather mean that Circus Killers News is having trouble coming up with content? All of these questions and more will be answered in this week’s “Special Report.”

First, let’s identify the different types of weather. Most people look forward to sunny weather, which happens when all the clouds have been scared away by birds having loud, violent sex. At night, most of the world experiences moony weather, which occurs when hot moonbeams cause the terrified clouds to explode.

There are also many different types of precipitation that can occur on days that are not sunny or moony. The most common type is rain, which is characterized as little droplets of water falling from the sky. Other types of precipitation include snow, sleet, and hail. Most scientists believe that all forms of precipitation are cousins, which explains why they’ve all never been seen in the same room together. One thing scientists definitely can’t agree on, however, is how precipitation is formed. We know that clouds make it inside their bodies, but we don’t know where they get the water to make it. Some of the world’s more imaginative scientists believe it is due to a process called “evaporation,” which states that water from the ocean magically floats upwards into the sky and then falls back down again. The most common theory, however, is that the clouds are just crying because they haven’t been held in millions of years.

Of course there are more violent types of weather as well. There’s thunder and lightening, which are completely separate phenomena but often follow one another because they’re in love. There’s also earthquakes, which happen when the Earth is hungry, and volcanic eruptions, which occur whenever the Earth has eaten too much. Tornadoes and hurricanes, however, are just myths.

For thousands of years, humans have tried to make sense of the weather by believing it is all being control by a higher power, be it a god or the men who live in that invisible space station above D.C. In fact, all the evidence suggests that weather is governed by completely natural forces. Still, many humans throughout time have attempted to control the weather. Benjamin Franklin famously tied a key to a kite and flew it through a lightening storm in an attempt to unlock its secrets, but the weather punished him by making him bald. He never learned his lesson, and he went on to become the first U.S. President to declare war on the sky. It is commonly believed that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated due to his conviction to shooting rockets into the sky to try and blow it up.

There are many different types of weather and most of them are dangerous. Unfortunately there is absolutely no way to protect yourself from any type of weather, but at least now you know what’s come.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Skin Care

Taking care of one’s skin is an important and often overlooked aspect of hygiene. There are many different skin care treatments and methods, but unfortunately there’s no way to scientifically prove if any of them work because all scientists are liars. In this Circus Killer News Special Report we’ll detail a variety of skin care regimens out there, from the popular to the surreptitious, so that you can try them out for yourself and maybe find a solution to that gross outer layer of your disgusting, pig-like body.

There are a multitude of products out there that supposedly help you get healthier skin, but all of them warrant caution. Ever since President Trump appointed Mayor McCheese to the head of the FDA, many regulations that kept harmful drugs off the shelves have been repealed, and unsafe drugs are back on the market. One of the most popular facial scrubs out there is “Proderis,” which is currently facing a scandal amidst rumors that the cream contains gluten. It has also been suggested that Proderis’ manufacturer swept negative trial results under the rug during the testing phase, which accounts for why many of its users have become sick, developed rashes, and grown antennae out of their cheeks.

With the increasing social acceptance of cannabis, there have been many skin ointments and jells appearing in stores that utilize the healing properties of marijuana. To copy its success, a few cutting-edge drug companies have started experimenting with skin creams that contain heroine, LSD, and methamphetamines. Early reports for these experimental drugs vary, but the LSD cream allegedly gives you the ability to talk to walls and to melt people’s faces by shooting butterflies with teeth at them out of your eyeballs.

Of course there are ways to take care of your skin without the use of medication. You can naturally absorb Vitamin D from the sun’s rays, which has been proven to clear up unwanted blemishes. Vitamin D is also the name of an amateur rapper who lives in my building, and he claims through his music that he can cure any ailment via sexual intercourse. Both methods are certainly worth a try.

There are also a few homeopathic skin care regimens that are safe, easy, and completely rational. Rubbing rocks all over your body, for example, is a way to suck out all the negative energies that cause skin diseases, provided those rocks are from the bottom of a stream and have been sensually kissed by a virgin. Proponents of homeopathy also argue that music can have healing properties and will often take turns getting naked in front of each other and yelling at their skin until it looks healthier. Other homeopathic methods include pouring boiling tea on your skin, rolling around nude in magical sand, and snakes.

The most bizarre, expensive, and niche skin regimen of all is a process called a “skin peel,” and it’s what most celebrities and rich people do to look young and beautiful. The elite will go to a fancy hospital/spa and through a low-risk surgical procedure will get all of their skin removed. As they spend the day getting pampered, workers will rinse their skin in a luxurious chemical bath and iron out all those unsightly wrinkles. The skin is then glued back onto its owner at the end of the day, and they leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

There are countless ways you can take care of your skin, and you’ll never know which method works best for you until you try them all. Be safe, be healthy, and please let me eat your skin.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.