SPECIAL REPORT: Skin Care

Taking care of one’s skin is an important and often overlooked aspect of hygiene. There are many different skin care treatments and methods, but unfortunately there’s no way to scientifically prove if any of them work because all scientists are liars. In this Circus Killer News Special Report we’ll detail a variety of skin care regimens out there, from the popular to the surreptitious, so that you can try them out for yourself and maybe find a solution to that gross outer layer of your disgusting, pig-like body.

There are a multitude of products out there that supposedly help you get healthier skin, but all of them warrant caution. Ever since President Trump appointed Mayor McCheese to the head of the FDA, many regulations that kept harmful drugs off the shelves have been repealed, and unsafe drugs are back on the market. One of the most popular facial scrubs out there is “Proderis,” which is currently facing a scandal amidst rumors that the cream contains gluten. It has also been suggested that Proderis’ manufacturer swept negative trial results under the rug during the testing phase, which accounts for why many of its users have become sick, developed rashes, and grown antennae out of their cheeks.

With the increasing social acceptance of cannabis, there have been many skin ointments and jells appearing in stores that utilize the healing properties of marijuana. To copy its success, a few cutting-edge drug companies have started experimenting with skin creams that contain heroine, LSD, and methamphetamines. Early reports for these experimental drugs vary, but the LSD cream allegedly gives you the ability to talk to walls and to melt people’s faces by shooting butterflies with teeth at them out of your eyeballs.

Of course there are ways to take care of your skin without the use of medication. You can naturally absorb Vitamin D from the sun’s rays, which has been proven to clear up unwanted blemishes. Vitamin D is also the name of an amateur rapper who lives in my building, and he claims through his music that he can cure any ailment via sexual intercourse. Both methods are certainly worth a try.

There are also a few homeopathic skin care regimens that are safe, easy, and completely rational. Rubbing rocks all over your body, for example, is a way to suck out all the negative energies that cause skin diseases, provided those rocks are from the bottom of a stream and have been sensually kissed by a virgin. Proponents of homeopathy also argue that music can have healing properties and will often take turns getting naked in front of each other and yelling at their skin until it looks healthier. Other homeopathic methods include pouring boiling tea on your skin, rolling around nude in magical sand, and snakes.

The most bizarre, expensive, and niche skin regimen of all is a process called a “skin peel,” and it’s what most celebrities and rich people do to look young and beautiful. The elite will go to a fancy hospital/spa and through a low-risk surgical procedure will get all of their skin removed. As they spend the day getting pampered, workers will rinse their skin in a luxurious chemical bath and iron out all those unsightly wrinkles. The skin is then glued back onto its owner at the end of the day, and they leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

There are countless ways you can take care of your skin, and you’ll never know which method works best for you until you try them all. Be safe, be healthy, and please let me eat your skin.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

SPECIAL REPORT: Santa Claus

For many Americans, Christmas is a joyous time filled with merriment, warm tidings, and credit card debt. Every year, millions of Americans gather to spend time with their families, exchange gifts, and engage in an assortment of ritualistic cult activities. But there’s a yearly terror that rears its chubby, bearded head every Christmas season, and the name of that terror is Santa Claus.

There are many conflicting reports on who Santa Claus is, and what his motives are. He’s known by many different names – Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Johnny Redcoat, Solstice Saul, The Winter Pimp, and Lap Daddy to name a few. Experts believe that having multiple identities makes it easier for Santa to cross national borders and achieve his sick goal of breaking into as many children’s homes as he possibly can.

“The truth is, we still don’t know why he does it,” said Special Agent Doug Wholfstetder who leads the FBI investigation that seeks to arrest this red-robed menace. “Sometimes he’ll try to bribe children with gifts, sometimes he’ll just eat their snacks. Whatever the reason, it needs to stop.”

Because there are many different conflicting stories about Santa’s habits and practices, the FBI is focusing on the similarities. One of those similarities is that Santa exploits slave labor as an industrialist operating out of the North Pole.

“There are virtually no regulations in the North Pole,” said Agent Wholfstetder, “which means he can do anything he wants up there. Slave labor laws don’t apply, child labor laws don’t apply, EPA regulations don’t apply. There’s some pretty strong evidence that the melting of the polar ice caps is due primarily to the exhaust of his massive arctic factory that we still can’t get into.”

Every year, thousands of Americans report seeing Santa Claus during the Christmas season. Several eyewitnesses have spotted the man at shopping malls, beckoning young children to sit on him so he can take pictures of them. What’s worse is that the authorities don’t appear to be doing anything about it.

“I come to the mall with my six-year-old every weekend to look for a husband and to expose my child to a variety of diseases so that he’ll be immune to the super bug that will wipe us out,” said Delaware mother Laura Correa. “Every time I’m there I fear for my child’s safety because security just lets these old creeps set up their Christmas traps in the middle of the mall. Maybe if mall security wasn’t so busy rejecting my advances then they would do something about it.”

So what can ordinary citizens do to avoid this mystical monster of a man? Agent Whofstetder has some tips.

“We know that he likes to get in through people’s chimneys. If you live in a home with a chimney, you’re going to want to plug it up immediately. Santa only breaks into homes with young children, so if you have any children in your home then you should set up a trap for him by leaving out milk and cookies laced with poison.”

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Santa Claus, or if you think you know his true identity, you are urged to contact the authorities immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Movie Theaters

Every weekend, Americans flock to the movies to catch a glimpse of their favorite superhero saving the day, two attractive people falling in love, or an anthropomorphic animal learning to believe in itself. Despite the home video industry, the internet, and that one-eyed veteran who sells bootleg DVDs outside the building where I work, movie theaters in America are currently booming. This is due to a number of revolutionary features that can’t be found anywhere except the movies.

One of the big changes that came to theaters across the country a few years ago was the installation of recliner seats. Thousands of movie theaters across the US now allow moviegoers to kick their feet up, lean back, and take a nap in the middle of the movie. Many of these seats also have a vibrating massage feature that you can activate by inserting an amount of quarters equal to $13. Of course the seats come with cup holders, but the movie theater seat cup holders of today are temperature controlled, keeping your drink nice and cool while you laugh at whatever Paul Rudd is doing on the screen. Dozens of Americans in the last five years have gotten frostbite by falling asleep during a movie and accidentally leaving their hand inside one of these refrigerated cup holders, but none have complained.

Concessions have also been revolutionized by the movie theater industry. Most movie theaters now offer literal popcorn tubs that customers can sit in during the movie. Some theaters also offer a “concession trough” that the moviegoer fills with an assortment of open snacks and desserts, and then hooks onto the three seats in front of them so that they have something to shove their face into while the movie is playing. Additionally, the smallest soda sizes are now 44 ounces, and the largest are roughly the size of a three-year-old human. Movie theater companies are also starting to remove their restrictions on opioids, cannabis products, and other types of recreational sedatives to make sure that the average moviegoer’s escape from reality is as fulfilling as possible.

Theaters are also making a push to sell tickets for 3D and IMAX movies, which the home theater industry cannot compete with. Some theaters are experimenting with 4D technology, which allows viewers to watch every scene of the movie at the same time. In order to bring a sense of realism to the movie-going experience, a number of theaters will shine powerful lights into people’s eyes during a film’s bright desert scenes, fill the theater with mosquitoes and other bugs during scenes that take place in a swamp, or flood the theater with the smell of urine for any movie that takes place in Newark, New Jersey.

Whether or not these changes and advances in movie theater technology make going to the movies worthwhile is still a matter of some debate. With each new change comes an increase in ticket prices, long lines, and one more thing for bloggers to complain about. The movie theater industry is still going strong, however, which if nothing else proves that humans will tolerate just about anything.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Vampires

Humans have shared this world with many supernatural creatures over the ages. One such creature that people often celebrate this time of year is a vampire. These deadly, soul sucking, strangely attractive creatures of the night often terrorize our friends and our families, elude our laws and our understanding, and take our women and our jobs.

Vampires were first discovered in the late 1800s when a multitude of killings took the lives of several young London women. All the women had bite marks on their necks, a set of fangs that weren’t present when they disappeared, and a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight.” All of the murders were blamed on a creepy-looking Eastern European guy because of his accent, which where the Transylvanian stereotype comes from. It was later discovered that the killer was a vampiric industrialist who was wealthy enough it didn’t matter.

Since then, vampirism has been spreading throughout the western world. There have been many famous vampires throughout history, including Martin Van Buren, Al Jolson, and two of the Marx Brothers. Many famous folks who are still alive today are also struggling with vampirism, such as Melania Trump, Martin Shkreli, and that woman from the Progressive commercials.

There are a few different ways you can identify a vampire. For starters, Vampires cannot say the name of God because they think being atheists makes them smarter. If you suspect someone is a vampire, quiz him or her on all things Christ. Additionally, the myth about vampires being allergic to garlic is partially true; if you rub garlic on a vampire’s skin it will turn charcoal black and cool to the touch. Vampires also do not have a reflection, so if you shine a mirror at one you will see an image of a dog on a unicycle dressed as a clown, and not the vampire itself.

Vampires have a number of abilities that make them difficult to combat. They’re super strong, super fast, can turn into bats, cannot age, do not sleep, can stop time, can control the weather, start fires with their mind, and can eat over forty hotdogs in one sitting. Most of the ways that vampires are killed in legend have some degree of truth to them. The myth of the wooden stake through the heart, for example, is a very close mistranslation. In truth, all vampires have poor cholesterol and cannot eat red meat. A steak that has been cooked on a wood-burning stove is really bad for their hearts. Similarly, silver will not damage them, but finishing second in anything will significantly cripple their self-esteem.

The best method for defeating a vampire, however, is to simply not attract one in the first place. Vampires sustain themselves on human blood, so the more blood you have in your body, and the more openly you display that blood, the more likely it is that a vampire will point you in their sights. Essentially, if a vampire attacks you, it’s probably because you were dressed provocatively or were leading it on, so you were asking for it.

If you do get bitten by a vampire, however, then do not panic. Vampires have three kinds of bites. The first is for sucking blood, and it is used to completely drain your body of its vitality. Vampires using this type of bite will not let go until they’ve finished feeding and your body is completely drained, so you have to loosen its grip on your neck by wedging something in there or tickling it. The second type of bite is to convert you into a vampire. In this type, the vampire injects you with vampiric venom that will turn you into a vampire within twenty-four hours of being bitten. Your best chance then is to suck out the venom with a vacuum, bendy straw, or best friend. The third type of bite has nothing to do with preying on humans and is only used for eating pizza.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Friday the 13th

Tomorrow is that dreaded day that comes every few months and brings bad luck to everyone around you No, I’m not talking about when your certifiable ex finds out which state you’re living in, I’m talking about Friday the 13th.

Throughout Western society, Friday the 13th has been associated with superstition, misfortune, and ‘Miss Fortune,’ who is a stripper that incorporates fortune cookies into her routine. Throughout Eastern society, Friday the 13th is just a normal day. In this article we’ll take a look behind the meaning of the more popular superstitions associated with Friday the 13th, as well as ways to protect yourself from toxic bad luck.

But first, some history. Friday the 13th started in Europe in the year 1313, on the thirteenth day of the month of Blumkrember, shortly before the Catholic Church declared that there were only twelve months in a year. A series of murders occurred in the British kingdom of Crystal Lake that related to the death of a young monarch named King Jason Voorhees. Evidence suggests the deaths were perpetrated by the victim’s mother, but they happened in such a way that they were all deemed bad luck instead of murders. Over the centuries, the date has been obfuscated into a day of supernatural woe.

One of the more well known Friday the 13th traditions is the belief that cracking a mirror will bring seven years of bad luck. In fact, this belief comes from the ancient Romans who did not know that mirrors were not people. Every Roman believed that he or she had an evil twin, and that it was this twin who was looking back at them through a window; they had no idea what reflections were. It was believed that if you broke a mirror, you were actually breaking your twin’s body, and that it would take up to seven years to heal.

Crossing under a ladder is another superstition associated with Friday the 13th. According to the myth, if you walk under a ladder, you might end up landing on a chute that will take you all the back to the twenty-fourth space.

There is also the tradition that crossing paths with a black cat will bring you back luck. There exists some truth in this superstition, because all cats are psychopaths and if you get in a cat’s way it will find you and make your life a living hell.

And of course, there’s the old wives’ tale that stepping on a crack might bring an early death. In fact, this is only true if the crack is a fault line, a sinkhole, or the narcotic of the same name.

There are several ways to prevent bad luck from coming your way this Friday. Salt is known for its ability to stave off evil, so it would be wise to rub salt into every orifice of your body to make sure no evil can enter it. Some people also prefer to just stay in bed the whole day, but since 20% of Americans die in bed, it’s safer instead to lie on the floor for the whole day. Additionally, wearing your clothes backwards on Friday the 13th has been known to bring good luck, plus it has the added bonus of nobody wanting to talk to you the whole day.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Moon

Each night, millions of Americans stare up into the cosmos while succumbing to a bout of depressing existential dread. Often they will see an object that sometimes appears as an orb, sometimes as a sliver, and sometimes as a “gibbous,” which is not a type of ape. This object is called “The Moon,” and it is the most mysterious thing that can be found in the night sky, besides that constellation that looks like Donald Trump’s neck.

Every civilization in human history has had their own theory about what the Moon is. The ancient Egyptians, for example, believed the Moon was a god who controlled the night, the oceans, and menstruation. Ancient Floridians also worshipped the Moon, believing it to be a giant egg out of which hatched hundreds of swamp alligators every thirty days. And the Mayans believed that the Moon is just a giant rock that accreted with the Earth after a planetoid collided with our planet nearly four and a half billion years ago. We now know, however, that the Moon is actually one of God’s testicles that was severed during one of his many battles to protect us against super-powerful Nazi space aliens.

Mankind’s fascination with the Moon has driven some of the greatest achievements in the history of science. During the Cold War, the United States and Russia competed to become the first nation to put humans on the Moon in what became known as the “Space Race,” which is also the name of those aforementioned Nazi space aliens. Each country had its own plans with the Moon; Russia wanted to paint the lifeless rock red to have a constant reminder of communistic might orbiting over everyone’s heads, while America simply wanted to open up a McDonald’s on it.

As with education, healthcare, happiness, and general quality of life, America proved itself to be “Number One” by making it to the Moon first. Astronauts Lance Armstrong, Buzz Alderaan, and The Third One are still honored today for being the first men to have successfully walked on an entirely different world and left their stuff on it, such as a rover that needs to be gassed up, a flag that yearns for someone to pledge their allegiance to, and Armstrong’s wallet.

You might be thinking something like, “I don’t really care about the Moon because it doesn’t affect my daily life,” or, “maybe if I scramble up into that tree at nighttime I’ll be able to see into her bathroom window without her seeing me.” However, scientists would say that you’re wrong. The Moon affects virtually every part of our daily lives. It affects the Tides, by which I mean it influences your decision on which kind of Tide detergent you use. It affects wherewolves, by which I mean you can tell where wolves are if they howl at the Moon near you. It also affects your emo-shins, by which I mean that those who belong to emo, goth, scene, and other such youth fads can feel pressure in their lower legs whenever the Moon is overhead.

We might never return to the Moon, and we might never return the Moon to a safe distance away from humans so that it can no longer affect our brains with its moon rays. All that can be said for sure is that science won’t stop until it uncovers all of the Moon’s secrets and then leaks them to TMZ.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Rosh Hashanah

You might have noticed that every year at around this time, your Jewish coworkers are absent from work for a day or two. This happens not because they’re attending an annual summit in which all the Jews gather to discuss how they’re going to take over the world, because that’s a different holiday called “Chash Vanasha Chah.” No, the Hebrew holiday going on this week is called “Rosh Hashanah,” and it’s a celebration of sweetness, new beginnings, and wearing a wrinkled suit that hasn’t been washed since your freshman year of college.

Rosh Hashanah, which literally translates to “The Calendar’s Foot,” is the Jewish New Year, or “Jew Year,” as it is commonly known. Rosh Hashanah is always celebrated in the fall, but is always a different date. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

The story behind Rosh Hashanah dates back to the year 400 B.C.E. The Jews at this time were a group of nomadic shepherds and television producers. They found that as they traveled around places like Mesopotamia and New Jersey, the temperature would consistently change over the course of a year. The first day when it became chilly enough to wear a scarf was signified as the first day of the New Year. Many Jews still wear a scarf, or “tallit,” that their ancestors wore to show that they’re unsatisfied with the current temperature. It is also tradition among the Jewish people to inquire about whether or not the temperature of a room can be changed every five minutes or so.

There are many fun and exciting ways to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. Jews gather at their local “synagogue,” which is a place of worship and not a business term that means something about teamwork, where they sing prayers, worship their deity, and get an aerobics workout by periodically standing and sitting at seemingly random times and for unclear reasons throughout the service. The service is lead by a rabbi who spends the rest of the year hibernating in a giant jar of kosher goo. The length of the service varies every year depending on the day of the week, and certain prayers will change in importance, as well. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

Rosh Hashanah is notable as being one of the few Jewish holidays that does not celebrate overcoming some sort of persecution. Instead it is a time for the Jews to take part in hopeful activities such as reflecting on the past year, making plans for the new year, and reading words from a book aloud in unison. Many American Jews have also integrated modern-day New Years celebrations into their Rosh Hashanah traditions by getting drunk and making out with a stranger.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.