Meteorologists Predict Unusually Depressing Winter

Meteorologists across the United States are reporting that this winter is going to be more depressing and disappointing than usual, and could potentially be the most melancholic winter in recorded history.

“We’ve been tracking all sorts of trends,” says Dan Grenowitz, a meteorologist with the National Weather Institute. “By our estimates, this is shaping up to be the saddest, loneliness winter we’ve ever seen.”

Grenowitz says that much of the nation can expect to face record low levels of self-esteem over the next few months, while other areas can expect up to five inches of malaise every week. He recommends that cities start preparing for unprecedented downfalls of woeful dread that could hit as early as mid-November.

“We might even start seeing sadness in parts of the country that almost never get sad,” says Grenowitz, “but the global climate is shifting, and winters in America are just going to keep getting more and more sorrowful as the years go on.”

Many Americans are gearing up as best as they can for an unusually despondent winter, but many still haven’t recovered from last year’s record-breaking ennui.

“I can’t even imagine a winter more depressing than last year,” says Mercedes Plaith, a Pennsylvania native whose house was damaged last winter by a devastating amount of misery and despair. “We just finished redoing the roof from all the dreariness we got last February, and now they’re saying it’s going to be even worse this year. Someone needs to do something.”

Grenowitz says that the National Weather Institute is trying to develop new methods for detecting dread and despair that will give locals more time to prepare and evacuate in the event of an oncoming melancholy.

“We’re still years away from where we need to be, in terms of detection,” says Grenowitz. “Even my therapist says we should just give up trying.”

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Weather

The weather. Good or bad, it affects all of us who don’t live in an invisible space station that orbits above Washington D.C. Everyone knows the basics of weather, but very few people actually understand how the weather works. Why is weather so hard to predict? Why do some areas of the world get more intense weather than others? Does a 500-word article about weather mean that Circus Killers News is having trouble coming up with content? All of these questions and more will be answered in this week’s “Special Report.”

First, let’s identify the different types of weather. Most people look forward to sunny weather, which happens when all the clouds have been scared away by birds having loud, violent sex. At night, most of the world experiences moony weather, which occurs when hot moonbeams cause the terrified clouds to explode.

There are also many different types of precipitation that can occur on days that are not sunny or moony. The most common type is rain, which is characterized as little droplets of water falling from the sky. Other types of precipitation include snow, sleet, and hail. Most scientists believe that all forms of precipitation are cousins, which explains why they’ve all never been seen in the same room together. One thing scientists definitely can’t agree on, however, is how precipitation is formed. We know that clouds make it inside their bodies, but we don’t know where they get the water to make it. Some of the world’s more imaginative scientists believe it is due to a process called “evaporation,” which states that water from the ocean magically floats upwards into the sky and then falls back down again. The most common theory, however, is that the clouds are just crying because they haven’t been held in millions of years.

Of course there are more violent types of weather as well. There’s thunder and lightening, which are completely separate phenomena but often follow one another because they’re in love. There’s also earthquakes, which happen when the Earth is hungry, and volcanic eruptions, which occur whenever the Earth has eaten too much. Tornadoes and hurricanes, however, are just myths.

For thousands of years, humans have tried to make sense of the weather by believing it is all being control by a higher power, be it a god or the men who live in that invisible space station above D.C. In fact, all the evidence suggests that weather is governed by completely natural forces. Still, many humans throughout time have attempted to control the weather. Benjamin Franklin famously tied a key to a kite and flew it through a lightening storm in an attempt to unlock its secrets, but the weather punished him by making him bald. He never learned his lesson, and he went on to become the first U.S. President to declare war on the sky. It is commonly believed that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated due to his conviction to shooting rockets into the sky to try and blow it up.

There are many different types of weather and most of them are dangerous. Unfortunately there is absolutely no way to protect yourself from any type of weather, but at least now you know what’s come.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Vampires

Humans have shared this world with many supernatural creatures over the ages. One such creature that people often celebrate this time of year is a vampire. These deadly, soul sucking, strangely attractive creatures of the night often terrorize our friends and our families, elude our laws and our understanding, and take our women and our jobs.

Vampires were first discovered in the late 1800s when a multitude of killings took the lives of several young London women. All the women had bite marks on their necks, a set of fangs that weren’t present when they disappeared, and a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight.” All of the murders were blamed on a creepy-looking Eastern European guy because of his accent, which where the Transylvanian stereotype comes from. It was later discovered that the killer was a vampiric industrialist who was wealthy enough it didn’t matter.

Since then, vampirism has been spreading throughout the western world. There have been many famous vampires throughout history, including Martin Van Buren, Al Jolson, and two of the Marx Brothers. Many famous folks who are still alive today are also struggling with vampirism, such as Melania Trump, Martin Shkreli, and that woman from the Progressive commercials.

There are a few different ways you can identify a vampire. For starters, Vampires cannot say the name of God because they think being atheists makes them smarter. If you suspect someone is a vampire, quiz him or her on all things Christ. Additionally, the myth about vampires being allergic to garlic is partially true; if you rub garlic on a vampire’s skin it will turn charcoal black and cool to the touch. Vampires also do not have a reflection, so if you shine a mirror at one you will see an image of a dog on a unicycle dressed as a clown, and not the vampire itself.

Vampires have a number of abilities that make them difficult to combat. They’re super strong, super fast, can turn into bats, cannot age, do not sleep, can stop time, can control the weather, start fires with their mind, and can eat over forty hotdogs in one sitting. Most of the ways that vampires are killed in legend have some degree of truth to them. The myth of the wooden stake through the heart, for example, is a very close mistranslation. In truth, all vampires have poor cholesterol and cannot eat red meat. A steak that has been cooked on a wood-burning stove is really bad for their hearts. Similarly, silver will not damage them, but finishing second in anything will significantly cripple their self-esteem.

The best method for defeating a vampire, however, is to simply not attract one in the first place. Vampires sustain themselves on human blood, so the more blood you have in your body, and the more openly you display that blood, the more likely it is that a vampire will point you in their sights. Essentially, if a vampire attacks you, it’s probably because you were dressed provocatively or were leading it on, so you were asking for it.

If you do get bitten by a vampire, however, then do not panic. Vampires have three kinds of bites. The first is for sucking blood, and it is used to completely drain your body of its vitality. Vampires using this type of bite will not let go until they’ve finished feeding and your body is completely drained, so you have to loosen its grip on your neck by wedging something in there or tickling it. The second type of bite is to convert you into a vampire. In this type, the vampire injects you with vampiric venom that will turn you into a vampire within twenty-four hours of being bitten. Your best chance then is to suck out the venom with a vacuum, bendy straw, or best friend. The third type of bite has nothing to do with preying on humans and is only used for eating pizza.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Surviving the Cold

The United States is entering one of the worst cold snaps on record.  Many regions will experience temperatures in the negatives with wind gusts of up to 60 miles an hour.  If you’re worried about the cold weather as much as we are,  read these 12 tips for surviving this harsh weekend.

 

1. Your car heater might not be enough during your daily commute,  so bring some logs to generate small fires in your car.

2. Take a vacation to Florida and experience the tropical 45-degree weather.

3. Power may go out so be sure to charge your pacemaker.

4. Snow acts as an excellent insulator,  be sure to leave all your doors and windows open to collect as much of it as possible.

5. Extra clothing always helps so put on some pants when you get home.

6. Keep your sinks and bathtubs flowing with hot water.  This will prevent the pipes from freezing.

7. Electric blankets are a great source of heat and infertility.

8. If you get trapped out in the elements,  don’t be afraid to cut open your Tauntaun and hide its body until the cold passes.

9. Think about warm places like Syria and Iraq.

10. Hibernate.

11. Wear a bikini when you go out.  You might catch nature off guard.

12. Snuggle up with someone to keep warm.  If you’re single,  live alone and leave your home often,  write your address in the comments section below.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.